I keep hearing crickets chirping...... Anyone out there??
this evening, my H came home to take S to practice, and he and S started talking about the seashell plant hanger my sister gave me, which I hung on the porch. As they were leaving my H leaned out the car window to say to me that it matched the tin statue in the side yard that my sister also gave me, and that all it neede was a trailer in the yard, that it was real classy. I called back to him that it was nice he thought so well of me. See, he told ow one time that she always looked so classy, but one time I asked him if he thought I was classy, and he said no, I was more of a tough girl, with a hard edge. He doesn't know I know what he said to ow, so I couldn't say anything about that, but for him to be sarcastic this evening and say that really burns me up. Of course, I wear classic clothing, and love tailored styles, and always have my makeup and hair done well, so to say I am not classy, I think, is just a way for him to insult me.
Well, maybe I am a tough girl with a tough edge, but I am not trailer trash, like he was implying with that smart a&& crack he made. I had the same middle class upbringing he had, but different from him, I had an abusive stepfather, and was sent away from home as a teenager, but I always kept my morals intact, and tried to make the best of whatever situation I was in. He has tried to insult me repeatedly by saying I have a knack for survival, and that is why I don't want him to leave me. Well, heck yes, I do have a knack for survival, I had to, so he can kiss my butt. But, I do love him, I believe in the sanctity of marriage, and my vows, so just surviving is not everything.
so, thanks for reading this, and if anyone gets anything out of what I write, then good, I needed to vent on here, so I won't throw something at him when they get home after while, even though I feel like doing just that. If I didn't have to feed them when they get back, I would disappear for a long walk.
This morning, I got H's clothes out of the dryer, and noticed he had the uniform he wears on his extra job in it, and he said he had to work extra job tonight, so I said oh H! He said don't give me an attitude. I said no, I wasn't, just disappointed.
In church on Sunday, we had a lesson on marriage, because a young couple is getting married, and asked the preacher to preach on this. Unfortunately, H wasn't there, because he was working that extra job, and did so again that night and the next night, too. I wish he could have heard the preacher saying not to be one of those H's who constantly accept extra jobs, and don't ever seem to be home. Our S said his father fit that description. I got teary-eyed throughout the service, because all the things he talked about was as though he was talking about us, and when the service was over, and we were singing the invitation song, I felt as though the preachers eyes were on me. Could he possibly have guessed the problems we are having? I wonder if when the men of the church get together to discuss business and to see if anyone needs help, they talk about the members and if they think anyone seems to be hurting in some way. At Christmas, S and I went without the ever-working H to a party at a church members house, and we went around the room to say something we felt grateful for, or if we needed prayer for, I said I was grateful for the people of the church, and to please pray for my family. So, someone could have guessed that there was some trouble, but also because the church isn't far away from where the ow works, and H could even have been seen by a church member carrying on with ow in the parking lot which I know they have done because of a message she left my H on his cell phone. And of course, they wouldn't tell me if they saw anything like that, but they might speak to an elder. That would be so embarrassing to know someone could have seen them acting sleazy in a hospital parking lot. But, it could explain all the sermons the preacher does on marriage, and I hope he does one this Sunday, too, because H promised that if I didn't get mad at him for working this past Sunday and Monday, that he would turn down all chances to work this Sunday morning, and go to church with us. I have no trust that he will stand by this, though. But, you know twenty-one yrs of listening to lessons at church, and H has said much of what he hears goes in one ear and out the other, so perhaps I should give him a recap of the lesson later.
Okay, I am feeling a little sorry for myself today, but tonight when H gets home really late, I will be nice and sweet to him.
One question, does anyone know if you can record someting, say a church sermon, and once it is over, have within just a few minutes, cds of the sermon ready to hand out to the people? Is that possible??
Dear L, First, I have recordings of some sermons although I don't think they were made immediately, but within a few days...ask the pastor.
ouch!! WTH was he talking about with the "classy" remark? Seems to me this has been too out of balance for a long time. Okay, let me sum up what I THINK you've told me on this bb.
BEFORE: You could have been a better wife. You gained weight and your self esteem was too low to feel good enough to socialize. You may even have complained a lot, been too negative and the "edge" may mean you really dish it out when you fought...okay. So, he had an affair with a Classy adulteress....
Enough. He is Not the victim here, or if he is, he isn't alone. He has been cruel to you for too long. His two nights of remorse last fall were emotions he has since hidden or repressed or whatever...as for your changes, ummm, can he just shut up and enjoy it?
I mean, I have let go of a LOT of crap with my h and the stuff I still feel is stuff I confront internally as much as possible. What incentive will my h have to stay with improving the R/M if I keep bringing up the past? Your h may be trying to sabatage your changes. Why? Because it conflicts with his self image? i think he has a really dark side he KNOWS exists, and he points yours out too damn often. I am amazed at his nerve with that remark, in front of your son too. You are the mother of his child. You deserve better and at some level, he must know that...
Is he kidding himself when he thinks he has to work on FORGIVING YOU as if you have nothing to forgive him for? I mean, can you ever say, CALMLY,
"H, so you know, I am working hard on changes I've made in myself For myself - and I continue to work on letting go of the past hurts you have inflicted on me... I need to know you'll let go of all the perceived slights and grievances of the past...otherwise, this IS hopeless."
This crap about the siding, PLEASE....great example of deflecting and attacking and holding onto his score card. Did he ever see forgiveness in his family? Does he even know what it looks like? I mean, I didn't have a role model for it so I'm winging this whole "let go of the past" thing, but it sure seems essential to me.
Your h needs to lose the score card, especially since it's So self serving...and biased and counter productive. Can you ask him "h, when you bring up the same old criticisms from the past, does it make you feel better? It sure brings me down and seems like it hurts our R..."
When do you get to take the hair shirt off? When is your penance done, and is he doing ANY? I know, not your job to inflict it, but he really is being very unfair to you...why? I guess he pushed some buttons in me, but if this is "piecing" what is HE doing for his part? j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Well, j, I don't know if the hair shirt will ever be able to be removed from me. Perhaps my H wants to make me suffer the same amount of years he says I made him suffer. As for the "classy" remark, I think sometimes he has to spew out some of the built up crap he has inside.
Yes, I could have been a better wife, I could have maintained the size 5 figure he first met me with. I wish I had done alot of things differently, but I didn't, and I don't know how to get that through to him, that I cannot change the past, only make the present and future better.
How the heck do I get him to see that he had a hand in how things have gotten to this point? He really thinks it was all me, and the only thing he did was to not take control years ago. I originally took all the blame for everything, but now with all I have seen and read, and learned from all the wise peeps here, that it wasn't all my fault, and while I was somewhat controlling, well, sometimes there is an imbalance of control. I felt I had to step up and take care of whatever he didn't want to take care of.
And I did ask him if it made him feel good to bring up the bad things he said I did, and to hurt me with them, he said no.
He said he still feels that I will feel that we made it and then "POOF" the mask will come off, and I will be like before.
what is HE promising to do differently? Is the A just a taboo topic? Are you allowed to bring it up? Are you allowed to need or want or ask for reassurance from HIM that HE will do his part in the restoration of the M, (other than "taking control"...)??
I know, these are not easy questions to ask, and we fear the answers. But, in the end, since life really is short and your son knows what he knows, you know the truth will reveal itself at some point. Will you be able to handle it, if it isn't what you want? And if it comes about that he really won't take any responsibility for being human and flawed (so he was/is perfect in all important ways) and that the M problems and even HIS A must ALL must be your fault AND always will be, well, how much time do you want to endure that? This is not a dress rehearsal? Remember that question I asked Rocco (God, hope he's alright...) about looking at our lives like novels. If we were reading our life's book, would we like how it's going? Who is writing your life's novel? Shouldn't it be you? How will the next chapter go?
Maybe ask him if the past is ALL your fault, is the future also your exclusive responsibility??--b/c if it is, this will NOT work...it cannot. R's have 2+ people in them (I'm including kids as the +, not OPs) and he's smart enough to know he played a role in this. What is he so afraid of looking at in him, that he cannot admit to being human? Has he ever witnessed or GIVEN forgiveness to anyone in his life for anything big? I never saw it in my parent's M and it is a Learned skill...
Besides, if he is so off the hook, how frightening a world it must be for him to have so little control of the past, the "now" and the future. And, IF he is "taking control" whatever the hell that means, then he should feel better about the R since NOW he is actively in it.
VC, L, I am angry at him and I don't think I'm transferring from my sitch to yours, but who knows? For some reason the comments he made and the background, just really fire me up and scare me as to how serious HE is about fixing things in HIM. Will he go to counselling with you? If not, why not? Call it "communication tools" or whatever, and never suggest it is about improving him....but you guys need someone to tell HIM that this simply cannot be all your fault.
good luck, I'm sending you hugs and prayers sweetie! j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hey, J, The other day, we were talking, and I don't remember what was said first, but I asked him what reassurance did I have that he wasn't still doing things that he shouldn't be doing, and he said like what? I said like seeing someone you shouldn't, and doing things for that person. He said, well how would I have time when you keep me on such a tight leash, and want to know where I am at all times, and besides I TOLD you ow went back to her ex-H!
I, of course, do not keep him on a tight leash, I merely have told him I choose to try and trust him again, and that it's up to him to do what's right. So, as for what he is willing to do, I guess coming home on time, being nicer to me and spending time with us as a family, at least occasionally, but still dragging his feet a little there.
He asked me why it had been a year since this discovery of his EA, and why I hadn't gone back to work, and I said I have been so stressed and depressed that I couldn't do anything, wouldn't have been able to concentrate on a job. I almost think he kind of understands this now. Maybe.
BTW, I saw where rocco has posted on someone else's thread, and things seem pretty much the same.
If I were to read my life like a novel, I would like to be the woman who never gave up, and lived as Godly a life as possible. I am trying to live that, and I feel that if I stay the course, I will succeed, and that my H will see that I will show him the kind of love and forgiveness that he knows is real.
He recently said something about how I treated him, and then said so you think part of the reason was that you thought I didn't love you? I said yes, I believe it was. I didn't feel important. So, i think maybe it will take alot of time, but eventually he will (God willing) get it that it wasn't all me.
He says he has never forgiven anyone for something big, and I believe that his parents may not always have let wrongs go either. I have been wronged against many times, but those who have wronged me, can actually look me in the face and know I don't hold it against them any longer. There are those who have been toxic in my life that I avoid now, but it took alot to end up doing that. I wish he could see that forgivenss is something you have to do for yourself, and that God will not forgive him if he will never forgive.
He is enjoying his "new role" as boss of the house,when he says something, I don't go against him.
He says he is not leaving me, but he cannot promise me anything. He talks about our future in a way. He referred to the new kitten as "our" kitten.
No, he will not go to counseling.
He says a counselor hasn't walked in his shoes, so he wouldn't understand his side of things. I think he is maybe a little ashamed of himself and doesn't want anyone to know. Even though I told him the counselors have seen the same thing thousands of times.
I have told him that I have found several books to help me with my problems, and helped me to see what it was he had needed from me all these years, and when he asked like what? I told him about the 5LL's. That he needed physical touch, and words of affirmation, and talked about that a little, and I think that kind of impressed him that I WAS doing something. I also told him I understand now that he really felt I should have been a financial partner with him.
This morning we took our nephew out to breakfast, he just got home from five months of basic training, and he really looks up to H, all our nieces and nephews do, so seeing them I hope will let him see what he could have lost. I mean, none of them see the uncle who cheated on his wife, my sister, and went off and married the ow. Even his D doesn't like him that much, because he actively would choose ow over her, and still does. Of course, he didn't much care for anyone but himself, anyway. But my H is well-loved by all the family, and he loves them as well, it would be sad to lose all that. And the whole family has never heard me say anything bad against my H, even though my H said they all have seen how I have treated him. He said at least two of my sisters said I was a bit*h, but I think he wanted to stir things up, so I wasn't confrontational about it. Because, as I told my H, I have NEVER said anything bad about him to anyone.
Well, I hope the weekend goes well, I invited our nephew to go to church with us, and I hope H won't work an extra job that morning.
And thanks J, for being there for me, although I do wish you would answer your email
my H also does job enforcement hon, it is a tough job.
Babe, I am now learning the hard way that "demanding" (in any way)affection backfires eventually. I know as a woman our language is affection and we suffer without it. Men coming from As need to go back to 0 with us, friendship, then love. Hugs hon
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
hey cat, thanks for encouragement. How the heck do I start over with being friends with him first? He is so hard to talk to. We talk about mundane things, like who is getting voted off of big brother, or who is gonna win hell's kitchen (rock), or a safe subject is our son, usually.
You say your H is in law enforcement, too? what does he do? Mine has been a cop for about twelve yrs. That job really changed him, and naturally he kept some of the gory details from me, not all of them, but then he started acting secretive about minor things, and then about the big things. This morning, I asked out of the blue about an old woman who used to call for him at the desk all the time, until he got a cell phone, and I was just wondering, and he said how strange it was that I remember her name, and that he had never mentioned it, but he mentioned another old woman's name that he said he told me always called him, but he had never mentioned her to me before. It was just so stupid, but he became secretive about something as dumb as that, and I don't care if old ladies are calling him, as long as they are not related to that ho ow. He said I was looking through his stuff, and found her name, but I remember names, especially now. Anyway, it was stupid, and I will not comment on it to him, any further, because his response was so uncalled for.
On Sunday, at church, we had a sermon on betrayal, and the preacher asked if anyone had ever had anyone betray them. My neck muscles were straining mightily not to turn to look at my H. I stared a hole in the preacher. He said did the person who betrayed you think you would be able to trust them again. He did mention marriage, but went in a different direction after, so I was able to unclench and relax. This Sunday we will have a guest preacher come to give our lesson, so I bet H will find a way to get an extra job for that morning.
you know I don't know how to put this, but when H and I ML or have sex or what ever it is now to him, he has gotten to where he is very conscious of where his semen goes, and takes great pains not to get it near me, because he is afraid I will get pregnant. I told him that he knew how difficult it is for me to get pregnant, and that especially now. But it's like he is obsessed with it. so, he will catch it in his hands, like he has to protect it, and told me last year that he is afraid I will get knocked up and "trap" him. I guess I should get him some condoms, and tell him to stop the bullcrap. I just get the feeling that if I were somehow to get pregnant, it would spoil his plans he had or has to run off with that skank. He started doing this a couple of yrs ago, which would coincide with the start of his EA.
Well, now he has, according to his last reading, stage 2 hypertension, and doesn't want to go on medication, has high blood sugar, but not yet diabetes, and who knows what else. He goes back to the dr. next month, and the doc will try to get him to go on meds for his bp, but H thinks it is only old people who need meds. He probably is at risk for a stroke, and if he doesn't stop this crap he is doing, he will probably have one. or a heart attack. Oh well, I told him I would do what I could to help him get his weight down, I already cook healthy meals, and send him healthy stuff in his lunch, so it is when he comes home and eats, or goes out during work to eat, I can't help that, and he will say I sabotage his diet, but he likes large portions, and if I give him a little, he wants more, if I give him a lot, he says I sabotage him. He's the one who quit exercising, but says I made him quit, saying I would say when he got up at 5 am to run, I would snuggle up and say oh don't go. But, I told him I didn't tie him up and force him to stay and sleep longer!! Shoot, I need to get up and exercise, too. But, not in this freaking heat wave!!
Hey j, 25yrs, where the heck is your thread????????
How the heck do I start over with being friends with him first? He is so hard to talk to. We talk about mundane things, like who is getting voted off of big brother, or who is gonna win hell's kitchen (rock), or a safe subject is our son, usually.
How about you do things with him? find a new interest or project to do together, go out together as time allows (yes, I have learned now the horror of court days which eat up what time off my h has) Make it a point to go out at least every 2wks alone and no kid talk.
Have you read "I love a cop"? it is an excellent book dealing with families and spouses of law enforcement officers, 12 yrs is a lot, I read cops get jaded and mask emotions so much that they can't turn their emotions back on when they are with their families.
Originally Posted By: verycrazy
Anyway, it was stupid, and I will not comment on it to him, any further, because his response was so uncalled for.
choose your battles hon, somethings aren't worth fighing for, our motto here used to be "is that the hill you want to die on?"
Originally Posted By: verycrazy
he is afraid I will get pregnant. I told him that he knew how difficult it is for me to get pregnant, and that especially now. But it's like he is obsessed with it...told me last year that he is afraid I will get knocked up and "trap" him...I just get the feeling that if I were somehow to get pregnant, it would spoil his plans he had or has to run off with that skank.
Boy, where to begin. I guess you aren't on the pill or you dont' believe in BC? And that BS of him that you'll "trap him"? wth? Because of what recently happened to me I am afraid of the stage your M has reached -- he feels unsafe with you and you are pretty sure he will bolt if given a chance. Has this sitch been like this for a long time? recently?
My H is still a rookie in the force, I am expecting change in him, this line of work is hard on people (hope your H takes his meds, men can be in such denial when it comes to meds and docs)
Hang in there hon, hope he stops blaming you for his problems, it took my H a while to see what he was doing.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
