Separated from WAW

[EAA]

dlt1,

I wanted to share one of my solutions that might help you...Might make you feel worse too, so trust your gut.

Instead of writing traditional journal entries, I write letters to my W. In the beginning, I wrote every day and I wrote a lot. 50 pages in two weeks. I've nearly stopped now...Nothing left to write. But here's the key: DON'T DELIVER THEM! They are for you. There are lots of ways this can be good. For me, it gave me a chance to say everything I wanted to say to my W. I always had it in the back of my mind that I could deliver them. And I did deliver the first few, but then I stopped. Even though I stopped delivering them, I kept writing. It became a wonderful way to "purge" my feelings. Not only that, but if you are very descriptive when you write, you can look back at the good days and find the thing that you were doing to make them good. It's a good way to learn your triggers. If I think of anything new, I still write my W. She doesn't see them, but when I'm done writing, I feel like I've gotten things off my chest.

Another idea is to go through past "letters" every few weeks when you're in a good mood. Highlight anything that you really feel that you could say to your W without hurting your DB efforts. You will find that there are very few, and that's okay. Use those to write a new letter. ONLY include things that cannot backfire. Then, if you come to a point where you absolutely MUST share something with her, share the one that you know is 100% safe. If it's not 100% safe, do NOT deliver it.

Details about exciting things you've done (i.e. attended an exciting sporting event = Good.

Pretty much anything about the R (i.e. miss you, love you, miserable without you) = Bad.

If you do this, do it for you. Write as much as you want and "say" as much as you want to your W. Just don't let her "hear" you.

It has helped me to feel better on those days when I just need to talk to her. And I've used it as a tool to look for small successes. And ultimately, it wears out my brain. If I devote some time to writing my feelings, then I get them out of my head and make room for something else.

If you try it once and you feel worse, don't do it again! It should make you feel better. If not, don't force it. I suggest it for you because you share so many thoughts here, I think you feel better when you expel your thoughts from your mind/mouth/fingertips.

EAA

[slowly]

Hi D - I hope the talk was not too traumatic.

Hugs, Slowly

[dlt1]

Hey guys, talk went back, as I thought it would. Chelle, thanks for the insight. I did not read it b4, but I (tried) to do alot of what you said. Like your straight forward in your face breakdown!
Basically, she is done. Spent the past month thinking if she ven wanted to work on M, and she does not. No connection, lost love, had reservations b4 M but never talked. I validated, I listened, I asked her to explain some things more and mirrored so that I knew her side. Then...as hope was lost and I should have made my exit...I broke all the rules and talked about my feelings, what would a couple months hurt? Why can't she just take time to wrok with C on her issues while I work on mine. On and on and on for about 30 minutes (probably 50).
No dice
Then I asked if tehre was OM...no...I belive her. Asked if she only wore rings around me (she was wearing them when I arrived) Yes, pretty much that was it (though I have seen a coupe pix from ealy weeks where she has them on). I asked about how her new F kind of replaced me. Yes, W supposes that really helped to have someone to talk to. Then, I stopped.
Asked what she wants for us given this sitch. Some sort of friends in teh future. OK, not sure how that will work for me.
Told her I woudl not be the one to take the lead on the D. She'll have to call me to set up times to meet and discuss the division of things. Said I woudl not fight it, and woudl eventually sign a joint motion, but we had to work out the details. And she has to take the lead.
And so it ended.
It hurts and i have been a mess, still am. But I am just on the tip of letting go and moving on. It;s scary, but doable. I never really got to the detached phase. It's basically LRT for me. I see maybe a 5% chance of things turning around. I'm not holding onto that. W does not get how much time it will take for us to tear down everything we've built. I'm looking out for #1 and walking away with my share of our belongings. Nothing hateful, just fair. I have read how this action has worked somtimes. So, I am happy that while I feel like I am giving up, this might be just what is needed. Best thing, i have connected with so many dear friends, and my parents the past two days on a much deeper level. My life ain;t half bad, and it will get better. I adjusted Nomo's goals to fit me. Will probably readjust again this week, with less R focus and more me. I am confident one minute and bawling the next. And i'm just going to let it flow. No holding back. It's about time. Will catch up with y'all soon, but need to step away for another day or two. Wanted to let you know what happened (and she didn't shoot me )
Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. I still need them.

['chele]

{[{dlt1}}}

I'm sorry for your pain. Your emotions (all 1,001 of 'em) are o/c normal and you should accept them &, as you said, let them flow. You will, however, not always feel the way you do right now. They will not - CANnot - last. (And that's the funny thing about how our WAS is so absolutely positive about their sitch stance!)

I know you are not at a place to consider your next step, besides following W's lead thru to D - but, DLT, you are not w/o control here! Honestly. When you are ready, consider whether you will (or want to, or should...) put forth the effort necessary to try to save your R a/o M, improve your sense of your own self (respect, worth, etc), and (maybe not the least important) use this sitch as a learning opportunity to make yourself a happier, healthier & better person whether you stay M'd to your W or not.

You said yourself, W does not know how much time it will take [to D]. You DO have time on your side. If you want to work on the M, there is plenty to be done. Yes, your hoped-for scenerio would have had W saying that she wanted to stay M'd -- but, honestly, w/o learning what you (and she ultimately) need to (thru introspection, reading, counseling & DBing), your M will - at BEST - remain the same & prolly have a good chance of getting right back to right where you're at. Reading DR, you know it can be done when only one party is doing the "working". Think about what you want. We'll be here for you however you need.

Take care of yourself. Sleep, eat, breathe (in & out, in & out --NikkiB had to remind me of that often in my early days). I'll check on you soon.

[dlt1]

Thanks Chele,
Yeah, I am going to need thsi week (at least) to just find my way back to a better place. Am meeting our friends whose wedding W and I first got together tonight. They just happen to be in town. Told W Sunday that I would let her know when & where we're mtg if she wants to join. She appreciated that and said she did not if you should would go, but wanted me to let her know. So, if she does show up, I have a chance to put that big smile back on and act as if. I'm certainly not going to mope in front of her. I know if I have any chance at that small sliver of hope left, I gotta DB to the tilt. It may actually be good if she comes, b/c then I won't let myself be an emotional wreck with the out in public. I can't seem to talk about the sitch w/out the tears coming out. A very new and strange thing. I've always been in control (b/c I bottled them up and rationalized them away), so now everything is letting loose and I am not at a point that I can moderate anything yet.
The next interaction for me shoudl be Saturday. I let W know that she should call me later this week to set up a time fro me to come by. I have to pay bills, remove my computer and a few other items, as it is time for me to get more comfortable in my new residence. I had just taked the bare neccessities when I hoped it would be short term. I am also giving her all the utility bills so she can switch them to her name. And we will beging talking about some financial things. That should be plenty for one day. I'll probably also take her around the house to make sure she knows of some of the little maintenance things I always just took care of. I plan on no R talk whatsoever, unless she brings it up. If so, just listen and offer my side if she asks, short answers at that. I definitely went from offering my feelings to harping on her this past Sunday. I have to look and act as if I have accepted thsi and am moving on. I am trying to identify a few key items that I can remove from the house which will perhaps realy the idea to her that we are now in the process of tearing down what we built together.
I am not going to bring up a future date to come back and go through the house to determine what each of us will keep. She must be the one to suggest this and contact me about it. I really hope I can beging to detach just a bit. I am accepting the fact that this is where we're at. I don;t want to hold on to that thread of hope. I know it is there, and I will gran it if she ectends it, but I can;t hold onto that if I want to move on and work on finding myeself again. I have no idea what I am going to do to keep busy. I always had things around the house to do. Or often just enjoyed sitting in the room with W. I lost my zeal for cooking (as my appetite is next to nothing now). I know I need to find that again, but think that is a ways off. I will need to get more comfortable at my current house and with my roommate so that I feel I am more than a guest. I think that will help me have a sense of home slowly. I just feel lost right now.
I hope everyone else is well. Have not had time or energy to catch up. Writing here is relieving for me, even if I am just rambling at points.

[dlt1]

Oh EAA,
Thank you fro the sugeestion. I've been talking to everyone I know. That and writing hear have helped me tremendously. I did begin a journal when this all began. Wasn't something I was good at and did not keep it in any regular way. I like the lette ridea. But, I fear it will not make me feel good. I think I will try and see though. Like you said, if it makes me feel bad, I won't do it again. I have so much I want to say to her, but I've already said too much. I love her, I miss her, I am angry at her, I can;t believe she is unwilling to explore the possibilities a little more. We're both in C, have identified bad points/actions and are working on them. Why can't we get through that? I can't control her idea that love is lost and will not change. At least I have some more time as we proceed to teh D. I see C tonight and will talk about that. Work on me, but wonder what W will work on. She is open to halting everything if she does find herself with doubt.
I am looking forward to Labor Day. getting together with 20+ friends for long weekend. Will be fun, and the nights will be therapeutic as i know I'll be depressed when I think about W not being with us. She'd have so much fun with everyone. Oh well, I will have fun.

[Disillussioned]

Hey DL,
Just checking in. I got you message on my thread. Thanks for the support, and yeah there are a lot of similarities with our W's. Hoping things can turn around. Time is on your side.

[not an ex yet]

Hey there, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I had a similar incident with my H last night reiterating to me that he wants D. I don't have any particular words of wisdom, but I definitely feel your pain and hope the best for you. It sounds like you have alot of support from friends and family. Hang in there, we will get through this!

[EAA]

DL,

I'm so sorry to hear that it didn't go the way you'd hoped.

Take a minute to pat yourself on the back...You have plenty to be proud of. Read back over your posts and look at everything you accomplished. I expect that, in some twisted way, you feel a sense of relief. When I read some of the posts here, I think to myself, "Wow, if their S had any idea how much love existed and how much work these folks are putting forward, they'd change their minds!" And that's something you can feel good about, if you can even remember what "good" feels like. You worked. Hard. The amount of labor that you put into this thing, when it would have been easier to give up, really shows your true character. It shows that you have values, strength and incredible stamina. And it shows that you believe in yourself. Take a few minutes to be proud of that.

And, as everyone else has said, time is still on your side. In the meantime, you'll be able to to the most effective DB of your life. This minute is your chance to grieve and heal. The next step is for you to dust yourself off and say, "I'm pretty good."

Next time you see her, give her a smile and a wink. Make her think you know something she doesn't..And you do. You know that, for you, tomorrow will be a better day, no matter what happens.

EAA

[Not Much Left]

DL, so sorry to hear what happened. You sound OK, are you OK?
EAA
Good advice, I like the smile / wink idea. I may have to try that!