I would have liked what I think has been referred to here as "the wolf" to show up in my bed, almost a way to work out my anger, some go jogging or punch a boxing bag... me I wanted to well you know. But my mind said if I did that then H would think I was OK with what happened and it was a truce and I was not ready to call a truce,(or as NJ stated I wasn't pyschologically ready) I didn't not attack as punishment to him cuz I am pretty sure he could of cared less or he would have initiated, it was a fear that my actions would be misinterpreted. Does that make any sense?
It does to me.
When I was with xBF we would from time to time have angry sex. It was obvious that he was angry with me or I with him or both and we would f*ck each other hard. It was a different kind of sex, but still good and did not necessarily mean we had called a truce. Quite often it'd be a race to get your rocks off first to spite the other one. Which usually did mean that it would happen together and then we'd be horny to do it again. (Ah youth!)
One time I tried to get my H into that mindset but I don't think he got it. He definitely tends to think of sex as being making lurve rather than for any other reason. Sheesh if he used sex to get rid of angry feelings I'd be getting it morning, noon and night!
I have also been in the place where I have turned H down for make-up sex. As in not feeling ready to forgive him. That turned out to be a useful thing to do and got us into a deeper conversation that wasn't too heated.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Fran Thanks for your response, it helps me when I know others have BTDT. Oh NO, does that mean I need a 2 x 4 for looking to others for validation? I'm in some ways kidding and then maybe not. I'm still trying to grasp all the validation, fusion, differentiation (sp?), top, bottom... the list goes on and on and realizing how I much I have to learn & I am a SLOW learner. Eeks!
In case anyone is curious or maybe just to journal for myself... H got home yesterday and we did the chit chat how was your day stuff. I'm not sure I was listening, I know BAD ME but I was still thinking of jumping him, couldn't ! I finally said let's talk, please! H's response "I'm sorry" and you have to wait until bedtime for the rest of my apology He made dinner and it was all good. After, I asked him what he would of thought if I had jumped him after the disagreement. He said it would have confused him, he would be thinking WTH? but it wouldn't have stopped him and yes he would have thought the issue was then OVER, his words "Would have NOT been good for you..I'm glad you stood your ground." But he also added that I could have jumped him with a disclaimer FIRST, saying that I was still upset but needed him or wanted him physically and that would have worked too. Oooh... communication works so well
Last edited by LikeItHot; 08/14/0704:31 PM.
Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle. (Amy Bloom)
[Desire is "based on all kinds of things", in other words, you just made desire CONDITIONAL. THis means you just made meeting your husbands needs CONDITIONAL upon what he does to MERIT the meeting of his needs.
Cemar, as far as I can tell you are continuing to confuse DESIRE with WILLINGNESS/GENEROSITY.
You can choose to have sex with your mate. You can choose to treat them with love, playfulness, and affection. You can choose to WANT to desire them and find strategies to pursue that, seek a mental attitude of abandoning resentment and welcoming desire (exactly what LikeItHot is here to do, to her credit).
But you CANNOT "choose" to desire them. Much as we all probably wish it was different sometimes, desire is there or it's not. It's an emotion. You can't WILL it and have it be the real deal.
And anything that is beyond our capacity to choose is therefore also beyond such categories as "conditional", "unconditional", etc.
It's not like desire is *just* dependent on whatever our mate is doing/not doing. Our physical condition and stress levels affect it, if someone else in our lives is really in trouble or dying, that affects it, sometimes I swear it's just the phase of the moon. Some of these can be adjusted, but some can't. You speak as if desire is *entirely* personal, a variable only influenced by how we feel toward our mate, which just ain't so.
Yes, it sucks. We want this emotion so badly from the person we've committed ourselves to for life, we feel cheated when it's not there. But face the facts, man ... you cannot control what your wife feels. Good thing. Would you like it if she could somehow say a prayer and dictate what *you* felt? You're two independent spirits with the surpassingly precious gift of free will who have chosen to entwine your lives. That kind of freedom yields pain at times, but would you really have it any other way?
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
After, I asked him what he would of thought if I had jumped him after the disagreement. He said it would have confused him, he would be thinking WTH? but it wouldn't have stopped him and yes he would have thought the issue was then OVER, his words "Would have NOT been good for you..I'm glad you stood your ground." But he also added that I could have jumped him with a disclaimer FIRST, saying that I was still upset but needed him or wanted him physically and that would have worked too. Oooh... communication works so well
I'm so pleased for you, I think you definitely have a keeper there.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Kettricken Thank you for explaining that so much more elequently than I was able, as I am sure my point did not get across. And I am curious if you have some kind of ESP.
if someone else in our lives is really in trouble or dying,
Because I wasn't going to go there, but I guess it doesn't really matter, but for 6 months I have been taking my mom for cancer treatments. Now, please, I am not looking for any sympathy as my mom and I are not close, but it still takes it's toll on "me" and with out pointing that out that is the kind of external factors that I feel DOES have an impact on desire, fortunatley my H has been pretty understanding.
Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle. (Amy Bloom)
No ESP. My best guy friend's father will be dying very soon (after years of Parkinson's), so it's been on my mind.
Don't underestimate the toll seeing someone through something like that is taking on you; it's difficult even with an acquaintance, and close or not, this is your mom.
The fact that you still have nurturing your marriage and your sexuality as a priority in the face of that ... I imagine that your husband knows he has a keeper, too.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Cemar - I'm not sure why but for some reason you got under my skin today. Isn't there, in some ways, ALWAYS conditions for desire? I'll tell you quite honestly, I have conditions YES! If I was not attracted to my H physically, I would not have desire for HIM! If I felt he didn't treat me with respect I would not have Desire for HIM! If he smelled or didn't wash his hair or shave or ?? I would not have desire for HIM! The list goes on..... Aren't these also conditions?? I am pretty sure you probably had a few conditions of your own when you were dating about who you would date based on their looks, hygiene, personalities etc. If while dating, your date was unkept, loudmouth or rude would you have asked her out again or felt DESIRE? If not wouldn't that be conditions or expectations you have of the other? Again if I was just horny I can take care of that, upping testosterone to be horny will not necessarily make me desire my H
Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle. (Amy Bloom)
Your not getting what I am driving at. Lets say that your desire for him is based upon his maintaining his physical body. But he maintains his physical body to win your desire (afterall, working out is not much fun). He works out, and works out, and works out, and you still don't desire him. Well, what is the point of working out, maybe he will stay at home and play video games and drink beer and get fat. You have BOTH now set conditions. So now what do you do? Who must act UNCONDTIONALLY?
! I finally said let's talk, please! H's response "I'm sorry" and you have to wait until bedtime for the rest of my apology 