Plank/WAW, thread 2

[Heimlich]

Did some good, some bad yesterday after the W got home. I had called her around 5:30 and was going to ask her to take the girls to dinner so that I could collect myself. When she called me back about 30 minutes later, I was fine. She asked why I had called, I told her, but said come on home anyway. I'm fine. Just seeing the documents had made it more real to me, but that I was OK.

I could tell she was a little apprehensive when she got home. I was in the kitchen, putting away the dishes. She kept telling me to go work out in the basement, I said I'm halfway finished, let me finish and I'll go workout. I told her you look a little nervous adn that you probably thought you'd be walking into a poopstorm when you got home. She said yes. I turned to her and just stated simply that I'm not like that any longer. I'm disappointed and hurt that you don't see the value in continuing our R, but I'm not angry. She just kindof nodded. I was walking to the basement and taking my ring off and she said something that kind of set me off (for the life of me can't remember what, might've been nothing, I was trying to get my ring off but it was stuck). I took it off and threw it against the wall and made a sound of disgust, charged off downstairs. Felt like an idiot about 10 seconds later, so went upstairs, apologized, put my ring back on, said "I didn't really mean that, I'm still in love with you. Frustration just momentarily got the better of me." and went downstairs to work out. She wasn't angry, looked a little sad, said "I understand."

She came downstairs to get something while I was working out and apologized again, just said, I'm sorry, shouldn't have done that or something similar. She said it was "OK". I said, "thanks, but that's not OK and I'm sorry." While she was walking up, I said I know how you feel, if we go through the mediation and you ever feel like you want to try to stay, I'm fine with keeping the mediation document as a basis for our D in the future if things didn't work out even then (or something like that). Left it at that.

Sat with her for a while outside while she picked crabs for crabcakes tomorrow. Just talked about nothing really though I did tell her that, for your sake, don't date the OM when we separate that you deserve someone better than an emotionally constipated man who's stayed in an unhappy M and cheated on his W twice with two co-workers (my W and someone else 9 years ago) that you know of. You deserve better than that and I don't want tyou to ever feel the pain that I've felt. You deserve to be happy. She didn't really say much to that, other than that she's not even thinking of dating (to which I did a mental YIPEE!) I also had asked her not to start dating until I was out of the house or we were living separately. Oh, I also sort of apologized for restating my feelings the other day. I said that I know how you feel, but that I hadn't really told you how I've felt about you as often as I should have and that I just kindof needed to get it out. She was OK with that. No look of anger or this pissed off look she gets on her face when annoyed.

I initiated a hug later, which she did return with some warmth. She also accidentally called me Sweetie (didn't say anything, but noted it) while we were sitting outside and patted me on my buttocks to move me out of the way in the kitchen for something -- first time she's done that in a while.

I regret chunking my ring across the kitchen. Everything else was taken OK.

Plus, I figure if GD can persevere in the face of no interest from his W, I can move forward with my W being friendly. I'm starting to think that if she's real changes, and really starts believing they're true, then I've got a legitimate shot at this.

BD