[Desire is "based on all kinds of things", in other words, you just made desire CONDITIONAL. THis means you just made meeting your husbands needs CONDITIONAL upon what he does to MERIT the meeting of his needs.
Cemar, as far as I can tell you are continuing to confuse DESIRE with WILLINGNESS/GENEROSITY.
You can choose to have sex with your mate. You can choose to treat them with love, playfulness, and affection. You can choose to WANT to desire them and find strategies to pursue that, seek a mental attitude of abandoning resentment and welcoming desire (exactly what LikeItHot is here to do, to her credit).
But you CANNOT "choose" to desire them. Much as we all probably wish it was different sometimes, desire is there or it's not. It's an emotion. You can't WILL it and have it be the real deal.
And anything that is beyond our capacity to choose is therefore also beyond such categories as "conditional", "unconditional", etc.
It's not like desire is *just* dependent on whatever our mate is doing/not doing. Our physical condition and stress levels affect it, if someone else in our lives is really in trouble or dying, that affects it, sometimes I swear it's just the phase of the moon. Some of these can be adjusted, but some can't. You speak as if desire is *entirely* personal, a variable only influenced by how we feel toward our mate, which just ain't so.
Yes, it sucks. We want this emotion so badly from the person we've committed ourselves to for life, we feel cheated when it's not there. But face the facts, man ... you cannot control what your wife feels. Good thing. Would you like it if she could somehow say a prayer and dictate what *you* felt? You're two independent spirits with the surpassingly precious gift of free will who have chosen to entwine your lives. That kind of freedom yields pain at times, but would you really have it any other way?
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
