Slept on the futon and slept straight through the night. That was good. Noticed that I have become a full fledged member. That's kind of soboring. Over the past week or so, I've been putting thought of OM out of my mind. I think I've actually even convinced myself that there was nothing ever really going on, and that the issue truly is that she has never felt the passion that she should. She has not wavered a bit on this position. Here's a quote from a recent letter she wrote to me... "But there are core feelings that I have - or don't have - that haven't changed since the beginning of our marriage. I keep thinking that something is going to make it all better. I thought it would get better after we got married. I thought it would get better after we had D."
I know I've read lots of other posts where there was the ILYBNILWY talk. Am I just fooling myself thinking that there was once something there? That there is something that could maybe be rekindled? So confused right now. I hate to think that the past 17 yrs have been a complete farce. I know in my heart that there is a good relationship there waiting to be saved.
I'm rambling a bit, but I just wanted to get back to some thoughts on the OM. At the IL house, her mother is a big portrait / picture buffs. All the walls have family pictures of some sort or another. I remembered that there are even still pictures from W's prom sitting on a curio. So I take a look at the picture last night, and this morning pull out her yearbook. I don't have them side by side, but I seriously think the prom date with the cheesy mustache could be the guy that she is working with and has been talking to. If that's the case, I'm now back to thinking that there is at least something emotional happening with OM. Don't know that it changes anything. Strangely, I think it even gives me a little hope. That her mind is clouded with these other thoughts.
If you look at my last post I had suspicions that the OM had been my W's promdate back in HS. Spoke to her sister about this and she said this was not the case. That helped put my mind at ease.
So onto the events of the dinner out for her birthday.
We emailed back and forth during the day about plans for the evenening. I hadn't told her where we were going, so she asked me what I thought she should wear. She described what she had worn to work and I suggested that she change into a dress instead. She was okay with this, so I picked out something from her closet to bring for her to change into. Sexy little strapless dress. I really do think I like to torture myself.
Meet at the IL house and then into her car to the restaurant. We went to a new restaurant that does fondue. The dinner went very well. This is one of the things that we love to do, and we always have fun eating out. Talk during dinner was good. Nothing heavy and not much in the way of awkward silences. I probably overstepped the boundaries a couple of times with a touch on the arm or leg, but I have a hard time holding that back. I want the physical connection so much. Anyhow, I thought it was great overall. Great food, great company, romantic atmosphere. If it wasn't for the current situation, I would say it was a slam dunk.
Picked up the kids, got home, put them to bed. We went to bed, no talking. I asked if I could cuddle up with her. She asked me why would I want to do that?
One thorn in my side about the evening. She had left her phone in the car during dinner. When we came out, she checked the phone for messages. I noticed that there was a notification that there was a voice or txt message, but she just closed it up without looking. This immediately got my mind racing. I'm certain that it was from the OM. Why else wouldn't she have checked to see what the message was?
So I've gone from feeling pretty good that there isn't something going on, back to heavily suspecting that this is the root cause of the current situation. So much so that I went back on my pledge to not snoop and checked her phone this morning. There was an outgoing call to him right after she left work for about 9 minutes. There was an incoming call from him only about 20 minutes later for about 11 minutes. She would have hung up the phone just about when she pulled into the driveway to the IL.
So I'm looking for some advice. Do I bury this and try to deal with the suspicion and doubts on my own, or do I confront her about it? In DB, there is a section on infidelity... "Once the affair is out in the open and each spouse is willing to share honestly about unmet needs, the couple can begin to identify areas needing improvement. Frequently, the affair is the jolt the marriage needed to get it out of automatic drive." I've seen a lot of advice from other posters on here to just let it lie and run its course. Don't know what to do.
One other thing... We have a MC session scheduled tonight. She sent me an email yesterday asking if we were going to cancel it. What??? Why would we cancel it? We spoke about it later that night and she said she didn't see any use in going. She didn't want the therapist to try and talk her into some type of sex / intimacy counseling. Told her that we should go at least to work on our relationship in general. How to deal with communication, etc. Whatever way it goes we still need to work on us. She seemed unconvinced. I'm planning on going myself if she still doesn't want to go. I know I need it. Badly.
Sometimes it feels like my posts go forever without getting comments from someone.
Newest activity...
We had discussed this a little last night, and I can understand that it is her birthday, but this email from W actually hurt a bit:
"I’m not going to the counselor with you tonight. I’d like to just stay home and spend some time with the kids and I don’t really know what I am going to get out of the session. I do think you should go so you can talk to her about what you are going through and how to deal with it."
Keep up the C with or without. My W and I are both continuing. She says she has been dealing with past R's and trying to figure out why she keeps going after the same type guy (though she said that that does mean it's a bad type). Also trying to figure why she jumps in to R's so quickly, then ends up being 'done' 2 years later. (3 for us but says that is due to the M) Anyway, looks like we have similar thinking W's as far as being done, not believeing there is any chance those feelings will change, etc. I'll let you know if anything I do or see makes an impact. Good luck to you,
Me 32 WAW 30 D Bomb 7/9 Separated 7/15 Reiterated bomb 8/12 PA 8/21 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1198643
Was your M a farce? - Nope. But we don't dwell on the past unless it's to identify R breakers which we might get a chance to address one day which could be way off.
What you know in your heart - most of us know that's why we're here but your W doesn't care at the moment and doesn't want to know.
You must try and focus on today and on yourself. Take baby steps first. It's hard to do but it gets easier.
Thanks for the post DL. I actually looked through your situation in the past and just went back to it now and found the link back to advice from Preserve. Great stuff. Definitely something I need to read a few times to get it through my thick skull.
I've been trying the DBing stuff. Trying not to talk R and letting her have space, but I realize I've been slipping backwards more than I thought. Need to fix that quick.
Hey Dis - sorry for your sitch - hang in there. Use your counseling as a time to focus on what you can change about yourself. Be sure you have a solutions based therapist. I went to one therapist when my H and I were first having problems and it was the worst experience ever. I just started seeing a SBT and it is amazing. It has helped me and I've only seen her for 1 1/2 hours.
Anyway - I've been following your thread - even if I've never responded - keep focusing on what you can do to change yourself - not easy, I know first hand!
Hang in there! EM
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
Thanks Edie, Yeah I went to counselor last night. She's okay, but not SBT. Mostly just listens to me vent. I've been looking, but I haven't been able to find anyone that is SBT. How did you find yours?
Your first counselor sounds like the first one my W and I went to. It was the worst experience. We both left there feeling guilted and responsible for everything. He was such an @ss.
Last night... Get the kids and get home. Cook a nice dinner for W birthday. She gets home around 6:30 and we sit down. Towards the end of dinner, she tells me she needs to talk to me before I go to the counselor. My heart dropped, felt sick. Couldn't enjoy the rest of dinner. Kids went and got their presents for mom and we brought out the cake. She loved their presents which made me feel good. So now I'm constantly looking at the clock waiting for the bomb to drop. Finally I say I need to go, so we go outside to talk...
Suspense killing you yet??
I was expecting something like, I filed or I found an apartment, etc. She only asked me what I was going to talk about at the counselor. I told her I was going for me, to talk through some of the issues and concerns I have. She started talking about how things were going with us. Said she was confused by some of what has happened recently and wanted to know where I stood. I guess she was thrown a little by my offer to look for apartments and was wondering if I was serious about that. Told her that I was truly committed to working on the M, but I understood where she was now. She said she was uncomfortable with the state that we are currently in. A limbo of sorts where she is just waiting the 3 or 6 months for it to be over.
Started talking about dinner the other evening and I apologized for crossing certain touching boundaries. This had been bothering me, as I felt I had pushed a little too much. She didn't seem to have been that bothered by it, but did say the dinner atmosphere was a little too romantic which made her uncomfortable. I brought up the txt message after dinner and asked if had been the OG. She said no. Then we talked about that R in general. I asked if there was anything more than just friends. She still says no. She talks to him, but nothing going on. Told her that I had stopped snooping, and that it had only made me crazy and gotten me in trouble. One strange thing she asked about was what other things had I been looking at besides the phone and computer. I said there was nothing else, and I was done with that anyhow.
I asked her about the upcoming vacation. She is still planning on going for which I am very happy. Need to take this week to just have fun as a family with the kids.
Went to the therapist. Nothing notable. Just basically vented to her. When I got home, helped the W getting the kids to bed. She was already in her PJs. I hadn't given her my gift yet, so I brought it out. It was a pajama gram. She opened it and the card. I had stayed away from anything too mushy or lovey. Just wrote in the card that we were best friends and I wanted to keep that in our relationship. She actually offered to change into the new pajamas.
We talked a little more. Mostly about the snooping stuff again. I told her about how I had completely misread something that I had found in the past. It was an instant message dialogue that when I first read it, it sounded very suspicious. I had looked at this for months and months and let it linger, but I went back recently and when I looked at it again, I realized I had completely misinterpreted it. She's been suspicious of me also and snooping a little herself. I've recently gone out and bought new cologne (which I've never bought for myself) and new underwear. She's noticed this and was a bit curious. Told her a little about the DBing recommendation to make changes and to do something different. That it was primarily to make me feel better. Not to mention all of my boxers are falling apart.
Talked a little about the physical touch between us. I told her that things had been very tense and uncomfortable around her, as I'm always conscious about this. She said she didn't want to give me the wrong impression. I said I understood how she felt and that a kiss or hug wouldn't get my expectations up; that it was just a nice comfort. I mentioned that it drove me crazy that I had kissed her mother more times over the weekend than I had kissed W. She gave me a goodnight kiss which was nice for a change and I actually slept soundly through the night.
