Trying to set those goals!

[Dom R]

Um, yeah, I can sure see how being attracted to your wife is horrible.

Owch.

The harleys would call that an "angry outburst".
On the one hand, its probably a good thing to point out he's being a schmuck about this. on the other, being sarcastic/nasty about it, may not help.

he said, "I'm the only one he feels like dating and he is trying to make that go away."

Might have been good to confront him, in a calm way, about, "Say what? you are actively trying to dismantle our marriage, rather than just 'seeing how you feel'?"

He thinks that we need to completely feel broken up.

This is total verbal/mental diarhea.

What this says to me is, "He wants to go screw someone else. But he doesnt want to feel guilty when he does it.
Since he's already decided to do it though, he first has to make the guilt go away, by feeling that you two are "completely broken up".


I say this to YOU, as insight into how I think his mind is spinning. However, this is not a suggestion to go confront him about it.

You still have both paths available to you: the gentle path, and the "going dark" path.

In my own non-professional opinion.. you staying strong about no bootycalls, and insisting on being "dated"... could actually work out. The problem is... you're going to have to deal with his insane, lunatic babbling from time to time through the long tiring process.

I think you are actually doing great, in a very difficult situation. he IS making the effort to date you. He IS interested in you. he (supposedly) isnt dating anyone else yet.

If you "go dark"... that may or may not cause him to miss you and come back eventually... but in his current mindset, he would probably take that as exactly what he's been asking for: validation that you two are "totally separated",and he'll go find someone to screw, to "help him make up his mind".

I think the best long-term thing for your marriage, IF you can handle it, would be to keep it that way. Sure, you're resentful now... but hopefully, it will end after some number of months... and resenting him now, beats being resentful of him for the next 50 years that he went and had sex with someone else.


PS: it's too bad that you made a face at his volunteering. I am amazed that he offered that you two do it together. I really think that you should take him up on his offer.

good grief... he knows it is something that YOU wanted... he brought it up to you, specifically with that in mind i would bet.. and you snubbed him
I know you're really hurting.. but you cant go into reaction mode every time he hurts you, and miss the positive things that also come from him.

it sounds to me, like you are actually in a way better situation than might otherwise be expected.


if you do decide to accept the volunteering thing, though, you probably want to still keep it on the semi-"hard to get" line you've been taking with him. it seems to be working

not, "oo i'm soo sorry can i please do it with you", but maybe ask him about it again, and his plans. if he offers again, accept. If he doesnt offer, maybe say, "hmm.. that actually sounds nice to me".... blah blah feminine wiles, etc. I'm not female, you should be better at that sort of thing than me