Changing mountains into speed bumps!!!

[Nugget]

I need some input on how to help my wife to get past the anger and resentment she harbors for me.

Quick re-cap of my M. Married 15 years. One child S2. Separated 4 weeks. I filed for a D the day of separation, which is finalized, to make her feel safe that I was not going to take S from her. She fits the typical WAW to a “T’. I care about you. I do not love you. I do not want to be married to you. I do not want to work on our R. I am done. I need to be on my own. I need my space. Etc, etc. etc.

I more or less pushed for the separation. Was tired of the rut we were in and had not seen much improvement from 11 months of DBing. Since our separation we have been getting along together very well. We go out (the three of us) almost every night to dinner. We spend most the weekends together. She even invites me to go out, which is something she rarely did before.

Over the last two days we have been having some pretty heated arguments about our futures (not our futures together, but where each of us are going to be living and where are son is going to be enrolled into school). Anyway those arguments did not lead to any resolve themselves. But, some very good insight did come from all that pain and anguish. After too many hours of butting heads, I was getting frustrated and angry of getting now where and so I decided to play psychologist and probe into why our marriage has failed and to see if I could find some answers as to how my W became the WAW.

Here is what I understand. She says things have actually been great (great, meaning not as bad as before) for the past two years. She says that for the past 2 years I have been less mean to her. I have had fewer outbursts. I have been less controlling and more supportive. She told me that she has even told her friends that the last 2 years have been pretty good and that I am a good person. But, that is where my warm and fuzzy feelings stop. I proceeded to ask her about our M prior to the past 2 years. She instantly became very upset and defensive. She could not believe that I could not remember how bad it was. She went all the way back to account for some specific fights or things that I had done, that made her feel be-littled in the first two years of our marriage, some 13 & 14 years ago. She recalled these instances with great detail and anger. I was floored that she had such negative feelings for these events. One was about me throwing water on her during an argument, the other was a time when I pulled on her clothes and ripped her buttons during another argument and the 3rd was a time when she had washed my work clothes with a tube of her lipstick and I went off on her about it. To me these events are not ground shattering and would not make the news. I have brothers and sisters that have had more than one visit from the police to settle domestic disputes (hitting, throwing knives, pots and pans, type stuff) that they were having with their spouses. But, to her these events were the worst experiences of her life. They scarred her deeply and put a huge wedge in between us. They are causing her great resentment, mistrust and anger towards me.
I validated what she was saying and gave her a heartfelt apology and ask her that it would mean a lot to me and the future of our relationship, as fiends, if she could someday forgive me. She quickly said she does forgive me and she does not blame me for it anymore. But, I know that she is truly, truly deeply hurt and these events may be the key to what is causing her to push away from me. Whenever we get into an argument she starts to tell me how big of an ass I was to her and how badly I treated her. I on my part do not see it. I see arguments that we have had and hurtful things that I have said, but honestly and I mean this with all honesty, I have never treated her any worse then she has treated me, but me actions have affected her profusely, where as I am able to let her actions bounce off me for the most part. I have never hit her. I have never threatened to hit her. I never kicked her out of the house. I have never told her she could not go do what she wants to, like go out dancing with her girl friends (which I hate and it bothers me a lot). I am not saying that I have been a model husband, but I have been far from a terrible abusive one.

For the first time in 15 years I truly understand the pain I have caused my wife and I can see how it has affected our relationship. I am trying to understand how these acts have been so damaging to her and why they have the big impact that they do. But, more so I need to find a way to get her to truly forgive me for them and to release the anger and resentment that she holds towards me for them. Until we do this, I do not see how all the DBing in the world will turn our R around. In my eyes I see them as speed bumps, but to her they are mountains. I need to help us cross these mountains and I am seeking some insight and advice on how to proceed.