I grew up believing that the biggest disservice God did to me was making me female. I never felt 'safe' being female. Bad things happened to females. Bad things certainly happened to me...
After I read that again it hit me a little harder. That has absolutely been the case with my W. She gets really pissed in the movies where the girl always does something dumb and gets the gun taken away from her then some guy has to save her from her own stupidity. Common Hollywood situation and it really riles my wife up. Couple of years ago I brought home the movie "Sin City". This was near the time of the bomb, just after I think. About 15 minutes into it she can't take it and blows up. I hadn't even noticed the things in the movie that pissed her off. It was an animation and had the heads of women mounted on the wall like game. It wasn't a good thing.
There's a line in a Cramps song "Is she trying to get out of her Clitoris". It often reminds me of my wife.
I've been thinking a lot about fear of intimacy lately. I remember well in the beginning of this terrible ride reading about intimacy and what it really was. As much as I wanted to save my marriage the fear of exposing myself even to my wife, like the books told me, was the one thing I knew I could never do. It terrified me and I would have given up my marriage to avoid it. Now I crave it. Strange what this journey does to us.
But yesterday when my wife got up she was wearing a thin t-shirt with no bra. When she walked in she covered her breasts with her arms and kept her body turned in a way not to expose herself. It was not the norm I don't think. The body language said insecurity and staying hidden. This got me thinking. Is it possible that she has the same fears I had?
