"Cat, ACJ...and others...I so relate to what you are saying...but keep heart...keep compassion
My H was very damaged emotionally as a child...I knew some of the horrors of the abuse but not all of it...he always assured me it was taken care of...that he was ok...well when the MLC hit...and he lost his job...felt like a failure because things didn't go his way...all hell broke loose in his life (and mine)...
I can say that even when he returned he was like a pacing caged animal...he couldn't handle the slightest disagreement even if it didn't involve him...after many many different problems coming up he did eventually get help for alcoholism, some help for past issues....and he is on AD meds...this was the biggest challenge...it took time and changing meds...not a smooth road to keep him on but now that we got the right meds for him he is doing GREAT!!!
For what it is worth I did call the OW...the first time she denied the PA and I stupidly believed her...when the proof fell in my lap I called her back (it was sometime later, not right away that I found out she lied)and I was not so nice when she didn't answer her phone...I left messages for her, her family, whoever got the messages...it wasn't pretty...but you know what???...H told me much later that my "involvement" made her feel guilty...and things started dying down (i.e. she began looking for OM and found one)...so don't feel bad about that one...it might work to your advantage...
I would really suggest to do what you can...to get H to "want" to go to the Dr and get treatment...for whatever...I know this is hard with men...but I can say that my H felt a 1000 times better when things started going right...I started by letting his doctor know what I did...his doctor took from their and talked about depression with him....H was still drinking and had a few episodes that forced me to call 9-1-1 to get him into the hospital to detox...again, the doctors talked to him...he got a lot of the crap out that he was holding in...eventually he did tell me some of the horrors that happened to him and his siblings...this is when I knew he was on the right road...one that he wouldn't have found had I given up...
So hang in there...I know it hurts...I know it is so hard...but if you "SAVE" your H...how much better in the end will you feel??
Take care...Lin"
I'm printing this, not only because Lin went through something like 18 months of separation and now seems very happy in her restored marriage--but because she also contacted her husband's "friend', with good results. I'm not sure how I feel about this technique. I don't think that it is authentic DB'ing, should you give a flying flip for authenticity. But several women on these boards have found that it can work.
Many women, also, against advice, try to discover proof of a PA. I'm not sure that this is a bad thing, either. To some extent, if you're going to be dedicating so much positive energy to someone who is hurting you terribly, you need to know exactly where you stand, and what you will stand.
Confronting your husband will only make him dig his heels in deeper, and it is unlikely that you will get the truth from him.
If I were you--and knowing what I know now--I would immediately start doing things with other people. I would start acting happy---as wretchedly hard as that is. And I would treat your husband politely, but with plenty of hints that he has lost status in your life. He is probably at some obsessed stage with his friend, and you may be fairly sure that the A, of whatever kind, will cool within a few months.
But if this is a deal breaker for you, no one will blame you, I think, if you choose to give up.
You should think carefully, though, and realize that your H is likely having a midlife crisis; and you've known him long enough to know the man he truly is, underneath the crap.
So bless you--and think carefully. Think with your mind and your heart (know that's impossible, but hey...) and give yourself plenty of time to change your mind back and forth, as a lady's indulgence. And most of all, cease all hostilities. I can promise you that baffling your husband with your strange calm and apparent joy in life is worth the price of admission.
