Making the Move

[care]

Thanks SD. Great ideas. I particularly like #6. I will try that at the next opportunity.

Just journaling. Probably had the last relaxing weekend of the summer as there was no sports activity for the kids. Just worked around the house, hung with the kids, went out to dinner with a new friend, another mom from football/baseball.

At dinner with the friend, she started talking about OW. Their sons got together over the summer to play/have a sleepover. I did not ask, the friend just started talking about it; she probably thought it was good conversation as all our boys played baseball together over the summer. I just wanted to say stop talking about OW, I have no interest in her and I don't want to know. As I am thinking about how to say this without begging the question, why?, my friend proceeds to tell me that OW has been dating a guy named X, my H's name, for about a year. I almost lost my dinner on the table. She then corrects herself and says, Y (a derivation of H's name)from another town. Luckily I was able to turn the conversation elsewhere.

So last night H asked me how things went at dinner. At the sametime I was out with the friend, her H and her son went to my house to hang with H and the kids and watch the preseason Pats game. H then tells me something personal that the friend's H told him. We got to talking and I blurted out what happened. H was very nice and reassuring.

Later after the kids were in bed, H came down and sat at the kitchen table with me and he started to ask a bunch of questions about what I thought about OW and such. He feels badly that I am stuck on the OW thing and he is the cause of it. I try to tell him that at this point I know that it is me that can't get this out of my head, not because I don't trust him or that I think that he doesn't want me/us, but for some other reason that I have not yet uncovered. I want to be able to turn off the OW, to not care if her name is brought up, etc... I told him how I cringe when I hear other people say how nice she is. Nice girls don't get involved with married men.

H then went on to explain in his way (unrelated examples that try to relate a point) about how he wasn't in love with her, but that he was looking for that love that he had lost with us. H then verbalized something that I had said to him a while ago that I don't know where we would be if the bomb hadn't dropped. H believes that things with OW were already over when I found out about it so he is struggling with the question of where would we be if I had not read that email. Yet he knows that the fact that I did find the email and thus I know what he thought/felt about her at the time, is causing me continued grief and it is what is keeping us from moving forward.

Almost a catch-22 type of thing. H told me that he doesn't have the energy to fight to help me get over this. I know this is my problem to solve; that it is in my head. H still is adamant that he did nothing wrong and I said that maybe that is part of my problem in not being able to get over it. I am not looking for him to tell me everything he did (I do not want to know), but part of me is looking for H to admit that his feelings for OW at the time were not right. I have fessed up to my failures in the M and how it got to where it did, but H says how he tried to tell me how he felt over and over.

I heard 'you're not in love with me' which I blew off because I knew I loved him. I just didn't realize that i wasn't showing him that i loved him in the way that he needed/wanted.

sorry, I am rambling. No point to this rant. Just trying to figure out how to purge OW as H says that he can't help and other people continually bring her into my head.
I know I don't want her there.