back to square -1 or -10000

[cat03]

Lov you all thanks girls, this is my safe haven, you all help me so much --BI hon! missed you babe, thanks for holding my hand, again.. I did look for you and realize you didnt' have a thread, and realized you prob were taking a break.

Missing 2 days of work has put me behind schedule, so I can't post like I'd really
want to, but your care and prayers for me are very moving and lift my soul, thanks dear friends.

We had a good counceling session, he's changing his phone number and not going to the big trip he planned, for the time being I asked him to sleep in our spare room until I can process things a bit more.

As horrible as this event was there is this new sence of hope I have. For the past year and a half I have been carrying it all, the weight of my marriage, working for his love, expecting affection like a lost child. I see now that that was no way to live. He admited he wasn't really trying as he should've. So despite this heartbreak something good might happen, neither of us was really happy. I lifted my hands to the Lord and gave Him this burden and my soul is weightless now, He's healed me.

My H has a long way to go to begin being the husband he's supposed to be, I'll never settle for less again.

He's going to the beach still, and at the begining I was totally against it, but
yesterday during C the councelor asked him "is this how you want to make your W feel better?" and he actually asked me if it would help if he'd stayed. I thought about it, and I realized that we both needed some distance and that I didn't want him to be spacing out with the kids, so I said he could go.

The weird thing is, he's actually asking to sleep with me, he promised he "wouldn't do anything" (ok, 1,000 could've been said to that thinking of our paltry old SL, me wanting him him "too tired") I said I'll think about it. I think he needs time to see where he's put himself in our R, I truly am not doing it to punish him, mostly I feel still queezy because of the things I learned. So perhaps instead of the 2-3mths space of time I had come up with I might make it 2-3weeks. I am changing my mind mostly because I'm healing at the speed of light not becuase he asked me to.

I will thread lightly and this time around he'll put have to put his back into it for me to be able to begin to feel safe again.