I want to write something longer, but felt the need to respond to this new thread quickly.
Quote:
I just don't know if going dark is the right move for my husband and I... I am not sure that leaving him alone is the answer. That's what he wants but I am afraid that is to ease his pain and guilt and make it easier to end things. Through out our marriage I was the kisser, hugger, cuddler, talker. Up until the last year before the bomb.
So he WANTS you to go Dark and you still don't think you should. Basically, it sounds like he wants space and you think offering space is a bad idea. Oddly, many Newbies feel this way...how can giving him space and leaving him alone make him come back someday?
I can't say because ther eis more to it than what this one paot discusses...but based on this post...space sounds VITAL. Dark may or may not be another necessity for your case. I think you should read up oin what Going Dark means for a better understanding.
But you have apossible MLC spouse...MLCersa are allergic to there spouses...and yet you want to maintain your previous style where you initiated contact--hugs, kisses, cuddles and talks?
What about maintaining what he is now trying to escape going to help?
You don't want to ease his pain and guilt? Sure, I was glad (and emathically pained) that Sweetheart wa sin pain and guilty...it showed remorse and that he wasn't doing what he wanted--deep down. It showed humanity within the Monster.
BUT I did not want to add to his burden...he had enough pain and guilt stemming from his actions. It was not my job to make him feel worse by either reminding him, guilting him or giving him the opportunity to turn me down...and it is the last one you may be dealing with the most.
He's sent you a message and you aren't getting it. That could be rather that you get it but refuse to believe it...I refused to believe it too... and to this day feel confirmed in that belief. But I got it.
Too much initiated contact from the LBS...especially huggy. kissy, cuddly stuff...MLCers will think She just doesn't get it. I was trying to be nice; now I've got to be mean just to get my message across. Then his guilt increases from being mean and/or from hurting you more. What happened was YOU ADDED to his guilt. He doesn't need more of it, and it's not your job.
You think your husband is different than the others because you were the affection initiator? Um...you're female...I think over 50% are the initiators. It's not a special case...it's a normal case.
Maybe there is more you haven't explained...Going Dark isn't alwasy the right tactic. And it's right for certain times in MLC...not all. But with waht you have given, you don't have enough reason to not consider it.
Going Dark is also for oyu. You are new to this. I'm sorry, Sweetie, but it is going to get worse...whether you Go DArk or not, whether you are a perfect DB'er or not.
IF this is MLC he MUST go THROUGH it. You cannot stop it and he cannot just get OVER it. MLC lasts 2-7 years...we generally assume the Bomb Drop happens within the first 18 months (12-36 range).
Okay, I need to get ready for work. You have been on my posting list, so I will check back later. I believe you have anither thread out there. We advise that you maintain one thread...usually the one that is at the top is best, but decide which thread you would like to use and let us know by posting on it--you can even post a response to me there if you choose to use the toher thread. It's just that it is hard for us to follow multiple thread by a single poster.
...heck, it's hard for me to follow multiple threads in general...there are so many out there and this past 1-2 weeks seems to have a plethora of newbies.
