Okay. So, we now know 'our' problem is a medical one - physical symptoms at first which I guess then led to the psychological barriers going up. Then a total lack of communication, which led to complete downward spiral within our marriage. And the rest is (now) history.
But... she's recently been to the doc's and is now awaiting results. Unfortunately, it could be quite serious (she works in a related medical field, so she knows her stuff). But then, if it was that serious, she'd more than likely have had her results by now. Time will tell, I guess.
However, in the meantime, I'm just getting more and more horny. Jeez. Two years is a helluva long time. However, part of my problem is that while I know actual sex is out of the question just now, I'm expecting her to come up with other ways of dealing with my... umm... 'situation'.
But it's just not happening.
I guess that there are more important things on her mind, although she has pretty much said that normal service will resume once things are sorted out. (Yay!) Dunno how long that will take, though.
So... I can't go throwing any more boundaries around right now, eh. Seems a bit selfish, eh?
I guess I don't know what your W's physical problem is but IMO, no matter what the sich, desire is the key. My sister had serious cervical cancer and had to have a hysterectomy and cervical radiation. She has been seriously frustrated because sex is painful for her now but her desire for sex, as always, is very high. So, she told me that the other night she just pushed through the barrier and made the pain part of the experience and she said the sex ended up being red hot in a S&M pain mixed with pleasure kind of way.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
she just pushed through the barrier and made the pain part of the experience
...now maybe I've lived a bit of a sheltered life, but I can't imagine many women doing that - unless there's a super HD thing going on there (Heh... 'Super HD'... that sounds like some kind of new TV).
Anyway, my W never was super HD, or even just plain old HD... I'd say she was 'normal D', whatever that means. In other words, neither of us was more HD or LD than the other.
(I'm assuming HD and LD are both relative here - ie. you're only really HD if your S is LD and vice versa.)
But I guess what I'm essentially saying is that I'm not gonna hold my breath waiting for my W to push through any pain barrier. I wouldn't expect anyone to, to be honest.
Not quite sure why sex is out of the question exactly I mean lets face it if she thought she had cancer would she have waited 2 years before getting it checked out?????
Or do you mean she's been worried recently and although you've been reconnecting well she's worried it may be painful?
Cancer isn't contagious and this sounds like a crock of s*** excuse again. I mean before it was she thought she was fat. Even if it is a health problem and hope it isn't does it mean you won't ML til its sorted out? Sounds like if there is a problem that will be the new excuse not to ML.
For once I agree with Cemar ask her for a HJ and watch her reaction if its a no then you have your answer.
Yeah, I'm just becoming sceptical about the whole thing now, too. You're right, it is just one excuse after the other.
Truth is, she just clams up whenever I even try to bring up talk about intimacy or sex between her and me - and I don't do that often anymore.
I mean, literally, clams up. She just won't (or can't) respond. And if I push for more talk or ask why she won't talk - bang, there you go, instant argument and *I'm* the villain.
I get ILY's, hugs, kisses, snuggles on the couch watching TV, spooning in bed, etc, etc, just no real intimate/sexual contact or interaction whatsoever.
It's really, really weird. Honestly.
I'm actually almost at the point of walking (I have a discussion in my head about this every single day, but now, instead of viewing walking as a negative thing from my POV, it's gradually turning into a positive), but I don't wanna be a bastard and walk if she's genuinely ill.
I also don't want to jump out of this marriage (which, otherwise, is damned good) and into a new set of issues with someone else.
shmagic I agree with Cemar ask her for a HJ and watch her reaction if its a no then you have your answer. I bet a HJ is gross/immature/not an acceptable form of sex/something perverts do/simply wrong, to his W. That is what BB indicates to a degree.
Of course, some people who don't feel the need for sex, think it should be that way too for the spouse.
Anyone else hear "lets give up sex for the summer and wait till it cools off in the late fall" when the bedroom is air conditioned?
AC, I know what you mean throught all of the last post. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Live a day at a time.
Have you ever written her a letter? Bit along the lines of what choc did? Know Chocs outcome wasn't what he'd hoped but at least he's no longer living in limbo and your situation has way more positives as she is still showing you affection.
If you put it in writing she can't argue or ignore it any more its there a REAL problem in black and white. Actually thinking back maybe you did this already but time for another one laying it on the line.
You have a good relationship and I do understand that you'd rather try and fix the one your in bit like DIY. Maybe you'll reach the point where you'll just feel you have to walk away and take your chances on meeting someone else you can have a healthy LL with and a good R.
Assuming your W doesn't have cancer and if she had a smear done over a week ago they get results quickly she should know by now. I had a borderline result and had to have it checked again after 6 months but didn't put me off or cause any pain and it was fine next time around. If there is a problem then thats a whole other ball game cos she'll think she now has a valid reason not to have sex.
It sounds like your W will do anything to avoid going further than affection and I would book a councellor MC or sex therapist or whatever so she can't avoid this any longer. Might be worth doing IC yourself.
Would you be prepared to live for the rest of your life in a SSM so you can stay with this woman? Or would you be prepared to leave and start over with the possibility that there is more?
She becomes very defensive when the topic is raised so she knows there is a problem guess its finding a way of breaking down those defences and sadly I'm no expert.
Personally I think you've been pretty patient up till now and she's not even meeting you half way or seeing things from your POV. Has she read the SSM book only if not then make sure she does.
Good luck and sorry no improvement in your sitch so far.
Good luck and sorry no improvement in your sitch so far.
Actually, thinking about it, I'm not sure there is *no* improvement... as I'll try to explain.
Originally Posted By: blackfoot on CE's thread
Why dont you update us on your thread AC. What is your game plan for addressing the sitch?
Ok, here's an update - it's late as we had a long weekend away at the outlaw's place! A month or two ago, I'd planned a 'date' in mind as to when I'd bring all of this crap to a head, and that would have been tomorrow (my birthday).
However, obviously, I've given this a ton of headspace recently and have decided that I can wait a while longer. Firstly, I don't think pressuring my W to do anything will get us anywhere fast, and it would probably have the opposite effect to what I'm after. Secondly, I'm not ready to walk out on my kids, my W, or this new house we're working on, either.
Thirdly, I have a bunch of personal and work goals I want to achieve in the next 12 months or so, for which I'm gonna need the support of my W.
And lastly, I honestly think I'm beginning to see changes in my W due to my efforts in not pressuring her for sex so much. See, my wife knows what I need, and she's admitted that it's her responsibility to do something about her LD. I'm guessing that her condition isn't hugely serious because we haven't had any test results yet (which should have arrived long before now if it was serious), but she is *very* self conscious of the symptoms of what she does have - one of which is abnormal/heavy bleeding. And right now, this is preventing her from sex.
However, as I continue to move things down a gear where sex is concerned, she seems to step it up. For example, we stayed at her parents' house at the weekend and as we lay in bed she backed up so that she was pressing against me, reached behind her and, well, y'know... with absolutely NO prompting from me. She's also being much more affectionate in the way she talks to me, she's kissing me twice before heading out to work, and blah, blah, blah.
One new theory of mine is that I've been getting her LLs completely wrong for a long while. I honestly thought that acts of service did it for her, but recently I've switched to pulling out all kinds of words of affirmation. I think it might be working... ;o)
We're also offloading the kiddos at my folks' house for a few days next week and she's got the whole week off work, too, so we'll see how that goes, eh.
Originally Posted By: blackfoot on CE's thread
How has the surfing been?
Rubbish. Heh. We're lucky to get a foot or two of swell this time of the year round here. Autumn swells'll be here before too long, though, and I should be heading down to France in a month or two as well...
