Thank each and every one of you for your posts that culminated in locking my last thread. Also, thank those of you who wanted to post but couldn't because the thread was already locked. Every one of you have made me feel so good after reading your support, I actually had to fight off the tears (and am still doing so).
I appreciate all of you so much -- you have truly been here for me of late and have made me feel so loved and special I can't even describe it. You are all extremely wonderful people, and I am in debt to you for both your recent and long standing support.
Thank You!
I really am down in the dumps, and didn't really have enough time to deal with the let down before going to dance. However, dancing kept my mind 100% occupied for the next 4 hours. Now, I'm back to the reality of this thing, and am pretty sick to my stomach. I know I should've been more prepared for the rejection than I was. Sadly, I lead myself to believe that my W was actually going to either think about it without giving me an answer tonight, or she was going to say OK. I was in denial of what I was/am truly up against. She does not love me. Period. This is something I must now accept. I don't think there ever were any seeds of doubt planted. I think I fooled myself into believing it, and paid the price for allowing myself to do so.
Trust me, I do know that I will be "better than okay," and that time will heal the wound that has been reopened. It's just so damn hard right at this moment, and I simply need to grieve and move on.
It is W's loss, and I really do know that. It is my loss too, but she really doesn't know (or believe) what I've come to understand and change about myself. She has not worked on herself at all, and though I miss her and love her deeply, I'm not so sure I would be happy in the long run being with her in this state. If she were to come back to me, she would be guaranteed to get a man that is conscious of her needs and willing to do his upmost to meet those needs and keep her love tank full on a consistent basis. However, I'm guessing that I wouldn't receive the same in return (at least any time soon), and I don't know if I could ever actually be happy with her again.
We'll see what the coming months and even years will bring. I know that I previously said that my DB line in the sand is drawn at the point where W actually remarries. I do want the line to be there still, but I'm really going to focus on moving on myself now. If the chance emerges again someday, great. If not, I'll be okay because I will have completely detached and moved on. I am going to completely detach now. I'm will keep up my changes in communication with her simply because it is the right thing to do, but I will not focus on trying to win her back anymore. I will not make any efforts to manipulate her into wanting me back. I will just be me and live the life that I want to live without concern to how she feels about it (unless it has something to do with the kids). I'm done trying to save my M or R now. I'm cutting my losses here and saving myself from anymore pain.
I'll post some more about the talk tomorrow sometime, but am going to go to bed now. I'm sorry that I haven't followed through with staying on top of all of your posts. As I end my chapter on this DBing adventure, I will surely find more time to focus on all of yours. I have found too much support and help on these boards to walk away now. I will continue to be here because it gives me strength and helps me to be who I want to be. I love you all, and promise that once I get my sh!t together and wrap up my M and D, I'll once again begin reciprocating all of the support you have provided for me.
Thanks again everyone! My new dance is about to begin -- now I just need to come up with a name for it...
