Why do these things happen lX

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I am not brave by going dark, it just kind of happened, now not sure how to stop it, so I guess I will just let it go on for now. It has taken me a long time to calm down about our situation, I have been calm and happy around her, now in this place I have gone nuts a couple of times. I have never stopped wanting to reconcile with her, just realized some time back that it is not my decision to make and over time I have finally relaxed about it. I know I will still freak out in my own little world if she goes through with it, but I do not let myself think about that right now.