Hi there, well just want you (and all the rest that may read this) to know that "piecing" is not just for LBS. I was almost a WAW and guess who is feeling like she is the one doing the "piecing" now? H is back to his old self and seems to be quite comfortable again since I gave up EA/OM. Is he doing anything particular? Nope. Is he doing anything? If he did, I must have missed it. But, then the Bible says the dead shall rise...so we shall see.
Seriously, he gave me space and that is what I asked for, so I won't complain. I had set a goal this week to spend more time with him in the evenings watching TV....since that is all he wants to do...but as soon as I get off the computer, he runs and gets on the computer....so much for that idea.
Well, I join the others in saying welcome. I think this is only my second week......so we are still newbies.
Good luck. Hope to hear things are getting better soon.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi, I will join the others on the band wagon about "piecing". Although I've not been here very long myself. I have been saying that my H and I are back to where we were before I messed up with my EA. That...back to where we were....or back to our "normal", as I have stated it....is not necessarily a great place. After all, that is where we were when I went "flirting" on-line.
I can identify with the weight gain, personal looks department, etc. It is crazy....but when I was involved with OM in EA...I worked like a wild woman to look younger, sexier, etc. I excersied, lost weight, used all kind of lotions & potions on my skin.....and, if I do say so, looked pretty darn hot (lol). I will tell you all something funny....b/c nobody but my immediate family knew what was going on....and ond day after church, my Pastor said, "I don't know if you are going through MLC or what, but you look great!" I nearly fainted! lol
Well, the ironic thing is that after I determined not to contact the OM and I ended the EA.....guess what happened? You are right! I stopped excersing, dieting, the lotions & potions stopped....and you know the rest. Why is that? imLin said that it was b/c I did not feel that I had to "win" anyone......I had my H. I think a lot of that is true. But, I wish I was not that way. I wish I could feel toward my H the same as I felt toward the OM when I was trying to look so hot for him. BTW...I loved to hear OM tell me how "hot" I looked and I worked my ....you know what off.....to hear him say that. My H is good to compliment me...but for some reason, it just doesn't seem the same. God, that makes me sound awful!!!
I am so painfully honest sometimes! Well, I'm in "piecing" and I need a lot of encouragement from you all. Please don't shut me out since I'm from the other side of the fence. I have sent several posts out that never got any response and I don't know if I was too harsh sounding or if it is b/c I was almost a WAW and people resent me or just don't talk to me b/c it reminds them of their pain. But, I will be the first to tell all of you that if it had not been for this board.....I would have destroyed my entire family's lives. I was so messed up.....in the "fog" and in limbo until it is a wonder I didn't have a stroke or heart attack from the pressure of it all. Maybe that is why I lost so much weight! ewwww, that is a bad way to loose it!
Well, any thoughts or comments will be appreciated. I'm a tough gal and can take it.....(I think). I want my M to work, but I won't deny that I'm having problems with the "feelings" now. I have determined in my heart to do what is right....morally speaking....and spiritually. But....I sure would like to have the "loving feelings" for my H again. With us, it takes baby steps.....and plus, we are set in our way pretty badly. I have heard that all my life....how hard it is to change after getting set in your ways.....oh boy, it that so true!
I think somebody spoke of feeling "comfortable" where they were in "Piecing". That kind of sums up where H and I are right now. At least, I think he is.....but, I'm not satisfied. I know I need to set some goals.....bigger, more important than what I've been doing. I am having a hard time tonight getting the energy to even think of a list...(lol) Lordy, that's bad.
That reminds me of something my grown D said to me. She discovered my IM to the OM.....talk about embarrasing! Wow! That will humble you in a hurry! Anyway, I woud write these little romantic fiction stories to the OM. Of course, they were filled with tons of sexual content and excitement. That was very embarrasing for her to discover also. Anyway, she told me that if I would put only half as much engery into her dad as I had into the OM......what a great M we would have.
You know the sad thing about all of that? I knew she was right. However, I did not have an answer for her, b/c I did not understand it myself. Just like I don't understand why I couldn't "come on" to my H and encourage sex between us. He probably would have gladly responded, but he waited for me....and I wouldn't do it. So, we went years without an active sex life. I still can't make myself do it.
Oh well, like I said.....punch me out if you feel like it. I just needed to talk tonight. If you do have any advice for me...I would appreciate it.
Last edited by sandi2; 08/26/0702:33 AM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am going to shake my head a couple of times and see if any words shake themselves out. I have been hovering over my thread for a couple of weeks now...not because I had nothing to say but really had difficulty trying to describe what I am feeling. I will take this opportunity to at least give it a fair shake and try to scribe some.
The past few weeks I have found myself slipping, falling or just maybe even jettisoning into famaliar patterns. If I didnt have the battle scars firmly entrenched in my head from not quite a year ago, I would think nothing had really happened. All that info I had learned from DR and "the Big book" has vaporized. I am really certain that I have a condition called "Teflon brain" or as if someone sprayed Pam all over it in my sleep and now no information will stick.
I really believe my W is trying and she really isnt the problem. The problem is ME. I have always believed the problem to be me anyway but the illumination of this point has fully come to my attention now. My path I have been walking in sobriety still moves forward but the ease of the strides has become haggard. I really dont want to drink because I know it certainly wont help anything except maybe give me peace..I have mentioned it before and will again....When I am with my W, my life becomes static, no focus just a state of perpetual motion in no direction or more aptly, all directions. We have made time for each other, I have tried to validate without my opinion being shared and havent had any opportunity to GAL really. I go to my AA meetings and the "flow" with life I once felt is no longer evident. I am so involved with home improvement projects, shuffling of kids and trying to put out fires that the minutes that remain I choose sleep. That is one good aspect, I have increased my time to be able to sleep to 4 hours now...30 minutes does make a difference. I hear the take care of yourself aspect....just implementing it is the greater question. I also hear the C suggestion as well but strangely, I have less money now than when I was separated and drinking..I have still yet to fully pay for the C visits I had previously. The Kids just started school yesterday and the "whole" dynamics have made full turn on that. Our kids are more disorganized than their parents! I really wish I could give examples of all the occurances in my life currently but again, I am having difficulty shaking those out. I sat in front of a blank piece of paper for about a half hour trying to construct a list of things I would like to see in my life before I left it blank to go do the chores of my existence. I realize this all looks like "pity pot" or "sad sack" material and most likely is but I really need to just get back in the habit of writing and relaying just for the sake of doing so. My friend is getting a D now because his PA was recently uncovered and had been going on since Jan. The OW works with him. 4 kids and their faces have so dramatically changed. Their faces have hardened and have become more adult like WAY before their time. My W is so worried that this is going to give me "ideas". Really, the farthest thing from my mind. It's hard to share something you dont have...and that is a mind. Sorry for the long post if you happened to meander in here but again just rambling, drooling and the like...I hope all those "piecers" out there are gluing the ends together and shaping their lives with perfection....peace
hey whapu, I had to come to meet you (I now see why you discourage the penpal idea) Last week, I was bitter and wondering "is this worth it?, why am I hanging on anyways?". Life is too short to just sit there and not like how's it going, (by the way, I totally understand your lack of sleep, my H had the very same schedule at his old job and had to watch kids afterwards) Don't know how old your kids are but I hope you are able to get more sleep now that school is back, feels like a hangover when one doesn't get enough sleep.
We are also tight on $ and paying many cc (have a huge one from when my H went MLC/WAH on 05-06) but we now dont' flinch to pay a sitter for an hr or two to get away. Don't know about how things run in your home, but by 9:30 both my kids are in bed and then my H and I have time to talk or do a project-things are odd now with the new developments, so we are off schedule for the time being- but you get my drift, MAKE time to do what you want to do.
When my son was small my H and I put for later many things with the idea that "when the kids grow up we'll do stuff for ourselves" which was part of our downfall, we didn't make us a priority.
Would she go on bike rides with you? that can be a form of exercize and a time to spend together. Go on walks after dinner instead of watching TV or at least before doing so.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Glad to hear from you, man. I'm sorry you're feeling so helpless (right word?).
If you don't know where to start to change your outlook, how about just noticing your ANTS? Once you recognize them for what they really are, you can decide to pick 'em up, look at 'em, then keep or toss.
Baby steps...they apply to everything. I'm saying this to myself too.
Well, to all...a nugget of wisdom from each of you! Much thanks! I want to touch on some of these nuggets.
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Although I am by no means a source of piecing knowledge, it seems to me that you're at the point of, "was it all worth it?"
I think you gotta prioritize. Involve your wife in that process too.
High, you are a source of many things...you may not be piecing your M but you have "pieced" yourself...that my friend is what I really need to focus on. It's funny, you piece together yourself and all of a sudden the pieces fall off. I really am at the point where I am wondering "was it all worth it?" I know it is just for the sake of the family unit at the every least but It gets awfully dusty lately. you're right in the sense of prioritize and involvement...2 aspects I need to implement in every crevice of my life...thanks HIGH!
Cat..Thanks for meandering in. You made some incredible insights. My kids...I have a son 15, a stepson 11 and another son who is 2 1/2. So I am well represented in all the troubled phases of childhood. How my home runs? IT is slightly controlled chaos. "after school special" run gamuts, drama at every corner fighting for attention. That is the best way to describe that.
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but by 9:30 both my kids are in bed and then my H and I have time to talk or do a project-things are odd now with the new developments, so we are off schedule for the time being- but you get my drift, MAKE time to do what you want to do.
This touches on a lot that centers around my world. The kids finally get into bed at 10:00pm to 10:30pm (depending on homework and crankiness of little one) I raised my oldest mostly by myself and I never had any trouble getting him into bed at 9:00pm after reading him a story. This little one is entirely different. I am a "loner" by nature. meaning I like to write songs or work on my novel by myself from time to time. This has always isolated my companions. My W lately has wanted to discuss all the home issues and I have been too wracked within my head to construct a sentence and that ALWAYS causes turmoil.
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When my son was small my H and I put for later many things with the idea that "when the kids grow up we'll do stuff for ourselves" which was part of our downfall, we didn't make us a priority.
I fell victim to this as well, later can become- maybe never unless I take action now. Part of my "Teflon" syndrome is that I lose track of any such revelations...they slip off. Aud, As always just appreciate you slipping in. We are Comrades you know...fighting the good fight! all of us are.
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I'm sorry you're feeling so helpless (right word?).
If you don't know where to start to change your outlook, how about just noticing your ANTS? Once you recognize them for what they really are, you can decide to pick 'em up, look at 'em, then keep or toss.
Yes, Helpless is the correct word AS I threw done in Cats thread...my ANTS are FIRE ANTS. They devour and sting their way through me daily. In AA there is much discussion of these ANTS or as they refer to them RESENTMENTS. I had a fiery battle with them last night and will touch on that now. I came home after picking up s(11) from football and my W has that all too famaliar look on her face...Anxiety and anger. I asked her what is wrong and she said would have to wait after dinner. I don't like intrigue conversations and nothing is good when the words "will discuss later" come in. So dinner ends and we go into our room to talk. She said that while I was gone, the oldest s talks to her about how upset he is still about EA I had. He then lies to her and tells her she was constantly over at the house. She was over 3 maybe 4 times in a 3 week period. He made it out like I would wait until he went to bed to call her or bring her over. Mind you I never talked to her from my house because I worked with her. Anyway, W was really upset over this and asked if all this is true and why I have been so angry lately has to do with "that girl" as she calls her. I told her that NONE of my feelings has to do with "that girl" and havent talked to her at all. I also wondered when and if there will ever be a time to move forward instead of remain standing in cr@p! (you cant go anywhere if you don't move). I then explained to her that I truly detest my job, not so impressed with my sobriety and really dont appreciate my son creating stories behind my back. She of course said that it was all about her and she couldnt make me happy and that I was miserable. I told her that I was miserable but because of me and only ME. She lightened up some but I just really need to grapple with this beast for a final time. Really, nothing is ever mentioned that SHE was the one who left in the first place, SHE was the one with the initial A. I never bring it up, even though I know OM's presence still hovers in our domain. You can't choregraph anyone's thoughts and you certainly can't chain them down. So that is my long post everyone. I really do appreciate all you guys do because it's nice to know there is a soundboard and a soft place to rest my head from time to time...peace
That being said, you get props for not throwing him into that ocnversation. ======================== ditto, that takes amazing control and nerves of steel, I dont' think I would've kept my mouth shut.
My H has adhd, so he has the attention span of a few min, and also forgets most of what he learns. So, review review and review your notes (I make myself cheat sheets from posts here, print them and read them when I feel like cr*ap)
Would she read a book with you? I got this book for my H on CD and he actually said "we should read it again" last year. It's the "men are from mars and women are from venus" your wife sure could use some pointers from that book.
I never understood before how men need to retreat and have time alone to heal, us women must have others around to hear us out and speak out minds, men do it privately and a female mind boggles at the concept that men need their privacy away from our "helping" hands.
Our AWOL friend, Sven, would call me "the improvement committee"
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Thanks High and Cat for rolling in....I havent really posted here just because I was barging in on some other threads..
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My H has adhd, so he has the attention span of a few min, and also forgets most of what he learns. So, review review and review your notes (
cat, I discussed this a little on your thread and had a appointment with the dr yesterday but when I went in, I found out that they moved to another building on the other side of town Needless to say I dont go to the dr much.
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Would she read a book with you? I
I read everyday but it is when I commute on the bus. We dont have time or more importantly quiet to do any reading together. usually the little one is running all over, the 15 (s) is having some sort of teenage drama and the preteen is snarly over the lack of control he has over the house. maintenance, maintenance.
Anyway, Nothing real new in my sitch other than trying to plug holes like the little Dutch boy. Only I am running out of fingers and feel it might be time to remove a few and just let life use its "hands" to heal instead of me trying to control everything. Some of the description of ADHD fits me perfectly except for the saying things at the wrong time...I try to choose my words very carefully (to the extent that I end up saying nothing at all). I am going to ponder on the virtual mountaintop this week and then choose a plan of attack on my entire life. I need to get out of my "god forsaken" stream of a career path, become more proactive in things I need (not want) and just allow things to move through me, not within me. So that's the blurb for today, nothing I can really jostle about but hope everyones day shows the promise they deserve...peace
lol, we just crossed posts, I was wondering about you and how things were going.
============ to the extent that I end up saying nothing at all). ============ What I took for shyness was my H trying not to put his foot in his mouth by not saying anything, so...
Well, time find a new dr, hope to hear about your next appt don't forget
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
How my home runs? IT is slightly controlled chaos. "after school special" run gamuts, drama at every corner fighting for attention. That is the best way to describe that.
Needless to say I dont go to the dr much.