Last week I had to write a letter to my father because I need help. I can't take care of myself and my son and no better prospects than my current position as a legal assistant seem to be on the horizon. I did ask for a raise but have not gotten it yet. So the hole has just gotten deeper as time has passed. It's not possible to live on what I make ($10/hr) and take care of my son. My mom has tried to help as has my grandmother. It is devastating to what self esteem I had built after all I had done to wreck my family. The aftermath can be worse than MLC itself. And for me it certainly is.
My father called me tonight and told me to "go home". He said that sometimes the one person that knows best (presumably me. HA!) has to make it happen. So his idea is that I should pack up my stuff and my son and force myself back into the house. But we know better. My father means well. He just doesn't get it. His other option is to pay for me to file the Complaint for Divorce....I can't pull that trigger right now. But I think I will have to in the future. Just not today. And not tomorrow, okay?? He said we'd figure out how to get me out of that separation agreement I signed. The one where I walked away with next to nothing and left the house and all the equity to my husband so he would have the house for the kids. I can't go back on that. I will not. Remember, my husband said to me in June that he kept that house when I asked him to NOT BECAUSE I asked him to but because when I did, he knew I was really back. Unfortunately, he can't seem to move any further, though....My Dad also said he might be able to pull some strings and get me in at the power plant. It'd be more than an hour's commute each way and 12 hour shifts. You might think I should do that. But aside from refusing to receive THAT as my answer and leave my son alone so much, I can not leave my boss right now. I don't WANT to. Last Friday a local Sheriff's Deputy committed suicide. It was my boss's husband. There's no way I'm walking out on her and her partner. I am the only assistant they have that knows what is what in that office.
So I try to make a list like some say to:
The good:
My rent is paid My mother bought groceries My grandmother is trying to buy S14 some school clothes. My husband made my late car payment
The bad:
My car insurance is about to be cancelled The car payment is already due again My electric bill is overdue My cable was turned off 2 weeks ago Wednesday is payday but it is the day before my boss buries her husband and I'll be damned if I'm going to bother her for money, mine or not.
Now just what the hell was the purpose in THAT supposed to be? Freakin therapists!....
I think that light at the end of the tunnel is a train after all.
