My wife wants out !!

[dadtotwo]

Sandi2 and frank_D,

Thank you for the feedback. In regards to being firm...I confronted her a few weeks back about the OM and told her that her behavior was unacceptable in our house with our children sleeping down the hall. If she wanted to pursue another man than she should move out and take it somewhere else(that night I was not very calm). Just this past Friday my wife went out with friends while I stayed home to watch the kids. I have never had a problem with "girls night out" as I think any woman needs that. However, when you are going out without a wedding ring on and are carrying on some type of EA, it is not acceptable. So, when she finally returned at 2:30 am I sat her down and calmly said that this type of behavior is degrading and humiliating for me. Watching our kids so she can see "whomever" is unacceptable while we are living under the same roof. She said that she would never do something that would be humiliating to me yet...she carries on secret conversations with the OM on her cell phone when I am at work BUT still in our house.

She said, "you never had a problem with me going out before" to which I gave her the reasons stated above. She then came back saying that since I work in a bar(my 2nd job) that she doesn't know who I may be "talking to " or "doing". I responded by showing my hand with my wedding band still on and I said, "this is why"!!!

Frank_D, I totally agree with your assessment about my lack of confidence to fix this problem. This whole financial mess just seems to continue and now she has decided that she is better off leaving and going on with her life. This OM may be a symptom but he is robbing her of any emotional feelings towards our marriage. My W hides her cell phone but she says she has "no secrets"

So I ask for members here for their feedback and I wanted to get an opinion. I want to say to her this..."is this OM worth breaking apart our family"?

Replies please and thanks again to all...

[dadtotwo]

I also wanted to add that my wife has said that "we both wanted the marriage to be over she just said the words for us".

How sad that my W thinks I wanted out of our marriage when I wear my ring and she discarded hers to the jewelry box.

[dadtotwo]

Here are some of the things my wife has said over the last few weeks:

Day after dropping bomb: "it wouldn't matter if you made a million dollars tomorrow. I know how I feel and my feelings won't change"

"I love you but I don't have that feeling for you anymore"

"I want to get on with my life"

"Don't talk bad about me to the kids"

"If you were a pr**k this would be so much easier"

"The kids adore you which makes this so much harder"

"Telling you I wanted out has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do"

"If you had just fixed it we would probably not be at this point"

About OM: "One has nothing to do with the other. The calls didn't start until after I told you this wasn't working and I asked you to move out" "I don't have to answer to you"

My refusal to leave: "the normal way is that the mother and kids stay in the house and the husband moves out"

"I just want to be happy, not have to worry all the time and I want a normal life"

This is just a sampling of what has been said. I am quite sure that many here can relate to hearing the same thing.

One other note...I have been resisting to get her call phone bill for evidence of her frequent calls to the OM. What should I do?

[dadtotwo]

Frank_D,

Just had a talk with my wife. She is planning on moving to her parents house with the kids within the next week. I did as you said and asked her if she would stay so we could work together. She said that she doesn't see that happening because she doesn't feel secure with me. For her, she needs to know that I will take care of her and our kids. I asked if that was the problem and she said it was a big piece. I then asked what is the other piece and she said "trust and respect". She said that she needs to know that her husband will always be strong and can fix the problems.

We talked about the house and the kids and I could see she was getting emotional and she said "this sucks". I then proceeded to tell her about my job interviews and she finally seemed interested. Maybe it is wishful thinking but I felt that she was having a slight case of "second thoughts".

I did not bring up the OM as I felt we had a very good talk. I think the leaving thing is starting to be closer to a reality for her and it is not as easy.

Any thoughts...

[bar]

This is good stuff. You felt you had a good talk. Think about it -why was it good? What were you saying and doing and what was your W saying and doing? You have shown here that you can change - you are worth listening to. She sees you slightly differently. Yes she is very insecure at thi emotional time but 'second thought' might just be thoughts.

She's told you what she wants from you and you have to continue working on yourself to prove by your actions that you are capable of becoming that person. We all want trust and respect.

Good Luck!

bar

[dadtotwo]

Well my W still plans on moving out. She asked about things she could take with her. I gave no resistance and was very open to what she wanted to take. I didn't expect that she would change her mind based on one conversation. However, I still believe that she is in survival mode and thinks that a D is the answer. I know that actions are what will matter to her but I also am not sure if she has any feelings left in her. She plans on going back to school and I have offered my support. I want her to know that I am not just thinking about me. Perhaps some time apart will give her a new perspective but it means that she needs to see results from me and not just words.

Does any one have thoughts on where she is in her mind(especially you ladies out there)?

[frank_D]

I think you seem to have had a good talk with her. However I don't see why you think she should be allowed to take the kids from their home.

You better talk to a lawyer, or at least tell her that she cannot take the kids from their home. SHE can leave if she feels like she must.

Not offering any 'resistance' is not the same as 'acting as if she is forcing a divorce'. Did you make a list of 'stuff' she wants to take? Did you discuss how she is not going to 'just take the kids' because SHE is unhappy?

What about THEM? She can stay in a separate bedroom or something, but to disrupt the kids lives because she is UNHAPPY?

Think about it. Don't be mean, but be firm. Consult a lawyer.

[Imageer]

Mark,

Your sitch sounds so familliar to mine. I won't go in to all my details but I have been through many of the same things financially and my W is now in MLC because of it. I don't know if your W is in MLC but she is definately spinning.

It is obvious that your financial issues are the root of your problems. Your trust and resepect issues have stemmed from this. In my mind you can argue your point and the OM and who should move and who shouldn't all you want, but until you take control of your life financially you will make little progress. Your W probably had a picture in her mind of how her life was to go and it is not happening to her plan and she is panicing. Life has bumps. It is not a fairy tale. I'm also guessing that there has been collection calls and that is very stressful. Being that you are responsible for the financial issues, don't under estimate the feeling of being blindsided that you W feels.

For the time being, accept your M as it is and address your financial issues. Get a stable income and deal with the debt that I'm sure you have. If that means going bankrupt, then do it. Simply talking about it getting better or waiting for it to get better doesn't help and it won't show your W that you are fixing it or that you are reliable. You may not come out the other side with as much stuff, but the stuff you have will be secure and that will help your R with your W.

As far as the kids go and who should have them, come up with an amicable solution for the time being. If you go to all out war with your W over the kids or anything else, you start your battle for your M on negative ground. The second thoughts that you feel are there will quickly fade. However, Frank is right. You have to Man up and take control over your life. Esspecially financially. Your W has been practiacally begging you to do it and you haven't.

[bar]

I'll tell you what's on her mind - OM. What's on my H mind?- OW.
He says it's not a question of comparison but I reckon it must be. When H thinks of me I'm sure I represent all the bad things that happened in the past, which were all my fault.(!) OW represents all the wonderful things the future will bring.

It's just that since I've been DBing, he's noticed the changes in me because I'm not behaving in the same old way as I did in the past. I doubt this new perspective is enough to swing him away from OW but it's certainly puzzling him and making him think.

Good Luck, bar

[sandi2]

Hi, well I think your wife is where I almost was at one point. She is wanting the fairy tale. She is looking at the OM as her knight in shining armor to wisk her away and "take care of everything". She doesn't want any problems (which is totally unrealistic) and she want a man to fix/take care of all her problems. She is also still taking advantage of your financial situation as her basic excuse....which I don't totally buy, but I know how if can affect a woman. But, when she mentioned the fact that you work in a bar...as if that excused her behaviour.....please! She is just looking for something.

I would suggest that you don't talk to her about the OM. I know it would probably be about the hardest thing you've ever done, but I just see it from the WAW's POV. Everytime my H brought up the subject of the OM, I nearly hated him. The reason being that I saw a side of my H that I couldn't stand. I simply refused to talk to him about the OM! I never did....when he brought it up....I clamed up! I would back farther away from my H every time...and I think your W will also. I don't believe the OM is the real problem....I think it is that she doesn't want to deal with reality and wants the fairy tale. I've been there, so I see it. If you feel like your life sucks...and OM comes along or you go looking for him....then the fantasy kicks in.

If I had not listen to some good folks on this board.......oh, I hate to think where my life would be right now!

I sure hope things start to turn around soon.