I remember being there and having the same difficulty modulating how I reacted. I think once you start developing your life more it will be easier because you won't be thinking as much about him or relying on him for emotional stuff (i.e. he seems more interested and that makes you feel happier).
You need to get to that place where his behavior, emotions, words, etc... don't effect you. One thing I learned to do doing my divorce was try to look GREAT every day. I also tried to learn to live life like my marriage was over. I had to learn to really internalize that. What it meant, who would I be? How would I want to live my life? What made ME happy (without him). That didn't mean I didn't have the "door open" to my marriage or planned to go crazy dating or meeting guys (well, did meet guys, but didn't "date" or spend individual time with any, and told the ones interested that I wouldn't date until the divorce was final... and I felt mentally ready...).
Although, one thing I must warn you... when you detach as much as I did (I HAD too because my husband was trying to hurry the divorce through), sometimes it's hard to reattach. But you don't need to worry about that right now. This thought pattern and behavior, detaching, working on self, life, positive mental state, etc.. are things I wish I would have done prior to the divorce. Back when my husband started in MLC and was yo-yoing back and forth on whether he wanted to be married. In other words, even if you are not yet in divorce adopting this thought and behavior is personally helpful.
Also, try to look for bits of humor in unexpected places and learn to laugh about the insanity in it. That helps too...
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Thanks again ROOT. I think sometimes I am detaching to much, lol. Today when H dropped off the kids I was on the phone with my best friend. I decided since he was just dropping them off, I continued my conversation, took the kids and thanked him. He acted like he wanted to hang around and talk, but I was just to busy, so he just left. He texted me a bit later to see if I had gotten the kids enough school clothes, and I texted back, that no, I was going to have to go tomorrow, as I didn't have any luck. (on top of the fact, that now that we have to pay for his place, there isn't enough money for all new clothes and backpacks like we usually do).
Good for you staying on the phone with your friend!!! I remember doing the same thing. Also, having a fun and animated conversation about all the exciting things I was doing and how "Saturday Night sounds great!" (Even if it's not so exciting make it sound like it is).
I wasn't rude to my husband, but I didn't make him number one. I had a life!!! But then at other times I'd be available for him... the perfect listener, good friend and agreeing with every thing he said (even the crazy ridiculous stuff!!!).
Make sure you are not always available, but when you are be the perfect friend. Treat him like a friend...
Yes, money was VERY tight when my husband had his apartment. In fact, I'd say we're still paying for it (eventually had to take a loan to pay things off).
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
ok, i was thinking maybe he would see it as rude. but honestly I am so upset with him currently I kind of don't care. I do want my marriage back, but still trying to deal with the hurt that he has caused. His obvious relationship with OW and then having to listen to my kids talk about her while I am getting them down for bed is almost to much to deal with. Although I will, cuz I have to. I do not want them to think of their daddy then any other way then they do now, and hopefully he will see that.
Just feeling a bit down right now, especially after hearing my kids talk about the OW just like she is just another one of daddy's friends. Hearing how she comments that my daughters hair looks like mermaid hair, and that she put sunscreen on my sun. UGH. I know I should not let it bother me, but who wouldn't be bothered by it. I honestly can't understand why my H does not see this as so incredibly disrespectful and expects me to take it. Sometimes I want to explode and tell him how I feel, but I just hold it in because I know that doing so will NOT bring me closer to my goal.
When my H admitted he was seeing the person he was having an affair with I explained how this person cannot be stable to go after a married man with a kid in diapers so my kids will never meet a homewrecker who might boil a bunny. Sorry. Does that sound bitchy? It only made him more protective and defensive of her, so my mistake. He said he would never disrespect me by introducing the kids to her. Odd. So isn't it disrespectful to have an affair in the first place? I hate this.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
So to this day your kids have not met OW? I wish that was my case:( In the beginning H would say "at least I am not taking them over to her house, like she wants"! Well, that was short lasted!! Now I have put my foot down (maybe a little too late) b/c I no longer will stand for the girls 6,7 & 10yrs to spent the weekends over OWs'. I told my H if he wants to continue w/ overnighters he needed to make it LEGAL by filing, but while we are still M no way Jose.
You advice is amazing. You are helping me by me being able to read what you write here. Do you have a thread here? Reading what you guys write has helped me tremdously. I consider my self pretty strong but this OW stuff and the divorce stuff I feel like such a wimp. Having put 27 years in to this relationship and we are still really good friends (which he still considers me his best friend, I'm the friend without benefits only financially) is taking a toll on me. I have lost my drive and am really struggling with it. Cali posting that article on detaching has help so much. I go back to it 3 or 4 times a day. Cali, We will survive this and I am so thankful you shared the detaching article. I am here for you ..Thanks for all the advice. Have a good day.
Was out shopping for school clothes for kids today, H calls asks me how this morning went with the kids going to school. Let him know all was fine, etc. He then asks me if our 10 year old son told me what happened yesterday (he was at his house yesterday). I said no, why. He then proceeds to tell me that him and the OW where in the kitchen, they didn't know that my son was in there, and they gave each other a peck on the lips. My son, said Hey what are you doing that for? You are married to mom? and starts crying.
Ok at this point my heart is sunk and I literally feel like I am going to throw my stomach up. I tried to remain calm as he goes on. He tells me he had to sit down and talk to him, and it took my son over an hour to calm down, but once he talked to him, he thinks he understands now. I ask, what does he understand, what did you tell him? He says the truth. I say, what would that truth be? Just so I can be sure we are on the same page. He tells me he told him, that daddy and mommy are not together anymore and daddy and the OW like each other. UGH! How is my son going to be ok with it? I am not ok with it. He then proceeds to tell me that he did it, because he didn't think it was fair that I have to sit down and discuss it with him, and I said good, because if I did, I might just tell them, that daddy left and that is not what mommy wanted.
I was so pissed at that point, and had been wanting to tell him that I wanted to take a week off from the visitations just so I could better detach so I say. Maybe the kids and I need a break from you for about a week? They are in school this week and will be busy with this so maybe we just skip Thursday. He FREAKED out, got mad at me for what I said. Basically chewed me out for telling him I couldn't see the kids, and that I needed to think twice about what I was saying. I hung up.
At that point it went to texting. Prior to this he was asking for money to be transferred in his account. My money, that he needs to borrow until payday. So he asked about it again, I told him to call me.
H: no, you have pi&&ed me off to many times. M: Oh and I am not allowed to be pi&&ed at what you just told me H: No your not M: So I am supposed to be ok with the fact that you are with someone else? Well I am not and probably never will. But I don't talk about it to you or anyone except my therapist. H: Well thank you very f&^king much.
then a bit later H: I'd appreciate it if you do talk to Noah, you don't project me as the 'bad' guy' who left and your not happy with my 'decision'. I haven't said anything bad of you. M: I never talk bad about you either. I am telling you how I feel but I only say positive things about you. H: You are an equal party in this but you still deny and refuse to accept it. You drove me to leave and thats the bottom line. M: I have accepted my responsibility in the breakdown of our marriage and have repeatedly told you that I was willing to do what it takes to repair it. I admitted my faults and have been working on myself and my actions.
End of texting. At this point, I am so done with him, I just can not believe he feels I drove him to this. He gets on me and wants to continually make me be out to be the bad guy and wants me to accept the responsibility of the end of our marriage, but he will not allow me to say anything negative, or admit that I am not happy with his choices. He will not take the responsibility of what he has done, and I am so disappointed right now.
Honestly in the last few days I have thought to myself that even though I do not want to be divorced, and I put up with so much in our marriage, and maybe this is Gods way of letting me know it is ok to let go.
I put up with years of his drinking nightly. We are not just talking a few beers, we are talking the equavalent of a six pack or more in the matter of less then two hours every single night. Every once in a while he would be dry, but that was rare. I dealt with his moodiness, etc. Yes I have my faults, but many of my actions and reactions was directly related to how I was dealing with his drinking. I was unhappy for a long time, then decided to try to turn things around, and do what I could to stay commited to my marriage, but it didn't matter.
I truly believe in DB and everything it stands for, but honestly I am not dealing with just a normal person, I am also dealing with someone who has a serious self esteem issue, thus the drinking. Many of his actions I am learning from Alanon are typical for a drinker. I am also learning that my controlling, and anger issues are a direct result of it also. I have said that to him, and he agrees, yet still holds me entirely responsible for all of this. I am not asking him to be fully responsible, but it would be nice, if he could see where he lies blame in this. I know he is not capable of it, and I just hope that one day he does figure it out, not just for himself, but for our children's sake.
I will not file divorce, I want that on his conscience, and chances he will not want to do it either. He wont admit that he walked out, and that he is having an affair. He does not want to be the one, it needs to be me, because then that justifies all his actions. I will not date, or do anything like that, even if it takes him 2-3 years to finally divorce me. But honestly right now I have no faith, and no hope that there is any chance of reconciliation and I am just going to detach and move on and act as if I am divorced, and become the best single mom I can.
I am not going to let him upset the way he did today, I just am going to be the best me I can be, and be someone that my children can look up to!
Oh man, now the kids (or at least your son) is involved. I am so sorry for his sadness, no child deserves that. He was right to talk to him about it, BUT soooo wrong that he put his own children in that kind of position.
My H had an A with a playgroup mom (soap opera anyone?) and the first question I asked was "What did you do in front of our own children?". He promised nothing, and honestly the kids never acted any differently, but I was fuming that he used our kids to see her (her kids are the same age). Sickening.
I totally know what you mean about H blaming you for him leaving. In a round about way, I have been blamed for his A, because he was so unhappy and lonely. He has never said it, and believe you me, I have made it clear, (just like you said), I will NEVER take responsibility for his loss of control. I will however, try to fix myself and what has gone wrong in our marriage.
I am so sorry. What a rotten day. Hope you can sleep tonight. If anyone should have insomnia, it should be your H.
KUDOS to you and never bad mouthing your H. My H and I have agreed to that as well. It should never be about the kids, and they will form their own opinions from what happening in front of them.
Thanks lwb. I have calmed down a bit, but still am wondering if my son will ever bring it up again, or hold it in. I am on the fence if I should have my kids have a session with the therapist, but I don't want them to start worrying or having issues if they haven't yet. I just worry cuz my son is the type of kit to internalize alot of stuff, he is a very emotional child.
Update. H sent a text and apologized, in all the years he has never apologized for anything, I am always the first, even if I am not truly sorry, just cuz I can't stand fighting. He texted "sorry you pushed my buttons". not sure if it counts, but I will take it, but decided not to respond.
H called my cell phone a couple times while we were all shopping in Target. I missed the first call, and answered the second. He wanted to talk to the kids, he hasn't called to talk to them in over two weeks. Wondering if he feels guilty. It was to busy to talk to them in the store so he is supposed to call back in a bit.
