I'm new to posting, but what OurCrises said really hit home with me. The way that she explained it sounds so much like what I'm going through too. It seems that everyday it is different. She is so right on as it relates to the loving, distant, loving distant. It is so hard not to obsess over the times when you believe he is with the OW.
I too found that the tough love approach did not work with my H. We seem to do much better living together and I feel better then too.
Didn't mean to step on your thread. I just couldn't help but comment, as the post just hit home for me.
We both have so many positives and we really need to focus on them and not the negative. Hang in there
Faith
H 48 W 57 M 15 yrs T 18 yrs No children EA 1/12/06 Moved out 3/10/07 & 8/16/07 Back on 5/18/07 2nd Thread
Incase anything happens, Let Delia know that my beer can collection is behind the box of dirty magazines in my garage. I did promise them to her My favorite is the "old Milwaukie" can.
See ya all soon,
Manuel(husband)
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Oh boy.. where do I start? It's pretty much all bad right now.. H overstepped a HUGE boundary this weekend. I called him out on it (180 for me) and told him that I could't live with his lying and cheating any longer. He BLEW UP and started screaming at me that he was filing for D that HE couldn't live in this loveless marriage, etc. I just agreed with everything he said - that he shouldn't have to live in a miserable marriage and that divorce was the only way for him to be happy. He carried on and said some pretty horrible stuff. He was adamant that the R w/ow was casual phone convo and tm. Oddly, at one point, he said how sad it was that we hadn't even given us a chance by working on our M.. HUH?? The conversation ended and we were to have a discussion later about how to proceed with the divorce.
Later I gave him a letter I had written a while back detailing some personal stuff but ending with the whole "I'm letting you go" thing.
Not a word has been said about the letter and we have not had the big D conversation.. I don't get it.. I'm getting the normal calls, e-mails, hugs, ILY's, and planning for small trips. It's like I'm dealing with opposite ends of the spectrum. Can someone please interpret?? How am I supposed to act/re-act??
LO, so sorry you have to deal with this, when your last posts seems that it is turning in your favor. My guess, OW did some pushing and H was stressed. He blew up on you because he didn't know what to do. Like someone who is trying to quit drugs but took that one puff and got caught. So he blew up on you. What to do/react? I don't know. May be just to wait and see how he reacts in the next few days while you continue to GAL? It does sound odd that he said you two are not working on M when your posts sounds to me that both of you ARE working on M. Do you think this is just "one of those things H says in the heat of the argument"? Did he elaborate any? Hugs regardless
M 38, H 38, two sons Met 20 years ago Married 13 years Bomb: Oct, 2006 DB: Started in Dec, 2006 H moved out for 3 weeks in Mar, 2007 H back home and piecing?
Olive, I'm so sorry that this all happened. Given my experience with my H, I'll try to help. I still think your H doesn't know what he wants. He is in denial and as long as you go along with it...he will continue to live like that. He doesn't want to lose you, but he doesn't want to fix himself let alone your marriage. Relationship with OW is easy...no expectations, no history, no hurting, etc.
I went through a similar stage with my STBXH. As soon as he felt me pulling away, he would start to lead me on...just enough to give me a little bit hope...but not enough to make himself feel bad about still being with OW. I don't think that you really want to be in a relationship with a man who can't be with just you and only you. Your husband as he is today, can't. He is broken and he will continue to be broken until he is ready to fix himself and he is the only one that can do that. I think that you need to do LTR and detach, detach, detach.... He needs to think that you are moving on.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
My guess, OW did some pushing and H was stressed. He blew up on you because he didn't know what to do. Like someone who is trying to quit drugs but took that one puff and got caught. So he blew up on you.
I think you are right. H went to ow house to "help her" with something. Now that she's divorced, she "needs" him. And, yes.. he got caught. I'm sure he never expected that to happen.
Originally Posted By: ourcrisis
It does sound odd that he said you two are not working on M when your posts sounds to me that both of you ARE working on M. Do you think this is just "one of those things H says in the heat of the argument"? Did he elaborate any?
We really weren't working on our M except that we were spending a lot of time together recently. But, he has never said that he is committed to working on us and we quit mc a long time ago per his request. It did feel like things were starting to move in the right direction.. Not just out of his guilt but actually I felt like his feelings were changing. Then, he pulls this crap.
Maybe it was just an unloading of venom because he got caught. I don't know. I'm so angry right now
Later I gave him a letter I had written a while back detailing some personal stuff but ending with the whole "I'm letting you go" thing.
Not a word has been said about the letter and we have not had the big D conversation.. I don't get it..
Took my H a few days to respond to this when I did the same to him. In the mean time life carried on in the same old way. I know how surreal it can feel. However, I did get a response in the end and long term it really helped.
Thinking of you.
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
