Was out shopping for school clothes for kids today, H calls asks me how this morning went with the kids going to school. Let him know all was fine, etc. He then asks me if our 10 year old son told me what happened yesterday (he was at his house yesterday). I said no, why. He then proceeds to tell me that him and the OW where in the kitchen, they didn't know that my son was in there, and they gave each other a peck on the lips. My son, said Hey what are you doing that for? You are married to mom? and starts crying.
Ok at this point my heart is sunk and I literally feel like I am going to throw my stomach up. I tried to remain calm as he goes on. He tells me he had to sit down and talk to him, and it took my son over an hour to calm down, but once he talked to him, he thinks he understands now. I ask, what does he understand, what did you tell him? He says the truth. I say, what would that truth be? Just so I can be sure we are on the same page. He tells me he told him, that daddy and mommy are not together anymore and daddy and the OW like each other. UGH! How is my son going to be ok with it? I am not ok with it. He then proceeds to tell me that he did it, because he didn't think it was fair that I have to sit down and discuss it with him, and I said good, because if I did, I might just tell them, that daddy left and that is not what mommy wanted.
I was so pissed at that point, and had been wanting to tell him that I wanted to take a week off from the visitations just so I could better detach so I say. Maybe the kids and I need a break from you for about a week? They are in school this week and will be busy with this so maybe we just skip Thursday. He FREAKED out, got mad at me for what I said. Basically chewed me out for telling him I couldn't see the kids, and that I needed to think twice about what I was saying. I hung up.
At that point it went to texting. Prior to this he was asking for money to be transferred in his account. My money, that he needs to borrow until payday. So he asked about it again, I told him to call me.
H: no, you have pi&&ed me off to many times. M: Oh and I am not allowed to be pi&&ed at what you just told me H: No your not M: So I am supposed to be ok with the fact that you are with someone else? Well I am not and probably never will. But I don't talk about it to you or anyone except my therapist. H: Well thank you very f&^king much.
then a bit later H: I'd appreciate it if you do talk to Noah, you don't project me as the 'bad' guy' who left and your not happy with my 'decision'. I haven't said anything bad of you. M: I never talk bad about you either. I am telling you how I feel but I only say positive things about you. H: You are an equal party in this but you still deny and refuse to accept it. You drove me to leave and thats the bottom line. M: I have accepted my responsibility in the breakdown of our marriage and have repeatedly told you that I was willing to do what it takes to repair it. I admitted my faults and have been working on myself and my actions.
End of texting. At this point, I am so done with him, I just can not believe he feels I drove him to this. He gets on me and wants to continually make me be out to be the bad guy and wants me to accept the responsibility of the end of our marriage, but he will not allow me to say anything negative, or admit that I am not happy with his choices. He will not take the responsibility of what he has done, and I am so disappointed right now.
Honestly in the last few days I have thought to myself that even though I do not want to be divorced, and I put up with so much in our marriage, and maybe this is Gods way of letting me know it is ok to let go.
I put up with years of his drinking nightly. We are not just talking a few beers, we are talking the equavalent of a six pack or more in the matter of less then two hours every single night. Every once in a while he would be dry, but that was rare. I dealt with his moodiness, etc. Yes I have my faults, but many of my actions and reactions was directly related to how I was dealing with his drinking. I was unhappy for a long time, then decided to try to turn things around, and do what I could to stay commited to my marriage, but it didn't matter.
I truly believe in DB and everything it stands for, but honestly I am not dealing with just a normal person, I am also dealing with someone who has a serious self esteem issue, thus the drinking. Many of his actions I am learning from Alanon are typical for a drinker. I am also learning that my controlling, and anger issues are a direct result of it also. I have said that to him, and he agrees, yet still holds me entirely responsible for all of this. I am not asking him to be fully responsible, but it would be nice, if he could see where he lies blame in this. I know he is not capable of it, and I just hope that one day he does figure it out, not just for himself, but for our children's sake.
I will not file divorce, I want that on his conscience, and chances he will not want to do it either. He wont admit that he walked out, and that he is having an affair. He does not want to be the one, it needs to be me, because then that justifies all his actions. I will not date, or do anything like that, even if it takes him 2-3 years to finally divorce me. But honestly right now I have no faith, and no hope that there is any chance of reconciliation and I am just going to detach and move on and act as if I am divorced, and become the best single mom I can.
I am not going to let him upset the way he did today, I just am going to be the best me I can be, and be someone that my children can look up to!
