Hi, how are you making it today? I read frank-D's post and I have to agree with him about several things he said. One, don't agree to be the one to leave your home. Don't make it easy for her to move out and take your kids. Don't offer to give her any support with her bills if she moves out. Until the courts ordered, I wouldn't even give her money for the kids...I would ask what they needed and then go buy what it is they need. She will soon see that using the kids for her excuse for money...won't work. If she moves out anyway, I would set up a schedule to see you kids on a routine basis. Let her know you WILL continue to be a dad to your kids.
This is the tricky thing....you have to be firm...but yet not to the point that she feels you are actually "controlling" her....b/c then she will fight you tooth & nail. I don't think I would call her names....like an adulteress....even though you want to, or even if she may be one...it will just backfire on ya. What you say and how you say it will largely determine the outcome. Reminding her that she is breaking her wedding vows, etc., I can understand that is what you WANT to scream at her, but trust me, it is going to make it worse....so be careful. She knows she is breaking all the vows and it really does make it worse for you to bring it up. However, I do agree that you should not have to endure her behavior while living under the roof with you. So, you have some serious decisions to make.
You know what would have probably made my heart about break instead of making me furious? And...this would be most difficult to do....but if you can talk to her firmly...but sweetly....it will reach her ears and touch her heart. So, don't try it when you are mad! The only way will be for you to maintain your temper and talk softly and sweetly to her. She will know that you are serious...you won't have to yell, call her names or threaten her. But the velvet and steel action on your part just may very well get the results you are wanting.
IMHO, when a W wants out of the M....she can "fantasize" or emotionally divorce herself (even while she is still in the house) from her H....whatever it takes to feel free. It's the "freedom" she craves. That is why it is easier for the WAS to "cut it off" on everything....emotions, love, responsibility....everything. The space, freedom, privacy...all of that becomes more important than anything...in some cases, even the children. That is why she can "act" like she is single again....b/c that is how she wants to "feel". I know it is awful, but it is almost like a sickness. I don't mean to make excuses for her, I'm just trying to help you understand her. She has to accept her part of the downfall in the M....it wasn't all your fault.
I do want to say that "self-confidence" is very sexy. The first thing the OM, in my life, said that really "drew" me to him was that he knew how to get things done! All he had to do was make some calls, pull a couple of strings, and it was done. Man! That was "power" to me! Now, maybe it was the truth and maybe it wasn't, but that's not the point here. It turned me on...b/c my H was not like that. I never saw that kind of power or strength in him. It excited me that a man in OM position could find me sexy and desirable...and he was even younger than me. You see, he wasn't even that physically attractive, but he didn't have to be. It was the strength that I first saw. He had hinted around about having a good paying job, and then just come out and told me as much...but I still wasn't impressed. Nope...it was when he told me that other stuff.
The way I try to think about it now....b/c I'm still working on my M (I'm not fixed yet), is that if my H was in the postion of the OM, he would be powerful also. Maybe I'm not stating that very well....I mean it in a positive way...not comparing my H to OM (even if it sounds as though I am). If my H had a lot of money, I would probably be excited about that also. In other words, I fell in love with my H, but it was those "other things" that excited me about the OM...not love. I don't think I'm saying this well at all and I know that probably turns the stomachs of you men, but, it's the truth and I'm being honest as I know how. I think some of it goes back to how we women were raised as little girls. In my case, the men were suppose to take care of us helpless females....(that was a long time ago). So, it does affect my thinking toward men.
The OM in my life....well he wasn't the right moral type of guy either or he would not have chosen to have an affair with a married woman. But, as frank-D said, that isn't your real problem. Try to get your eyes off of OM...as hard as that is. Look at the real problem.
I believe you will be able to show her your strength and determination to get back on your feet again, in time. But I'm afraid, right now, she sees her opportunity to use you and the situation you have (in her eyes) caused....and she is going to take advantage of it. So you must have an awful lot of patience. Can you do that? Do you still want her bad enough to work that hard for her? Can you hold out long enough?
I hope you can....if that is what you want. If it is, then don't let anyone talk you out of it. Stay on course and you will get your family back.
Let me hear from you.
Sandi2
Last edited by sandi2; 08/13/0711:43 PM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
