My wife wants out !!

[sandi2]

Hey CVA.....we women just want the perfect H...that's all. (lol)
What you say about the money is probably true, I just never got to experience it both ways. I have been able to tell that "security" is not what I was looking for in a man when I was 18, but at 60 I can tell you it makes a difference for me...just MHO. At 18, I was interested in good looks,personality...you know, stuff like that. Now....just glad to be able to see! But, when you are younger, I think you just always feel like things will change for the better some day, and then you wake up one morning and realize that your days are about to run out and hubby isn't getting any younger either! (Lordy, did I just say that?)

In all seriousness...and I mean this...I can see why the men would feel that they were being "used" by women where the money is concerned. Guess one would feel "d... if you do and d... if you don't" Gee, hope the guys don't stop loving all the gals or earth is in big trouble.

Take care.

[Not Much Left]

Sandi
We're all pigs / dogs. Doesnt matter if this cycle goes on forever, you take 1/2, whatever, we work, breath do whatever just to get with a woman and then keep them. We are so easy to understand!

[Heimlich]

That's right, we are dogs -- feed us, rub our belly, show us a little love and attention and we'll be loyal for life.

BD

[Not Much Left]

RIGHT ON!

[dadtotwo]

Sandi2,

Thanks for the insight on what a W sees in the OM. The EA started after we had money problems. I think this has started up within the last 2 months.

I have taken responsibility for our money problems. I am also working nights and weekends while interviewing for a full time position. My issue is that my W only sees herself as the "victim" and has decided that her life is better without me. We have 2 young children D5,S4 that I am very close with. I feel she is running for the exit because she has someone to go to. I am doing my best to not be judgmental but why does she get to walk away and take my 2 children. I will admit that we have been distant for quite a while as I was always told to just "fix it" which hasn't been easy. We did not communicate nor take time for one another which resulted in her growing resentment. My counselor says that she is currently living a fantasy that is all based on lies and deception. I also must question the character of a man that is taking full advantage of someone who is very vulnerable and is still another man's wife.

She had asked me to move out about 5 weeks ago and that night I caught her on the phone with this OM when I came home late from work. She says that the calls started after she told me she wanted out. She also acknowledged that she would want to date him but didn't want to tell me so she wouldn't hurt me. This whole mess is very confusing and difficult to get a handle on. I want to work on our marriage since we need to work towards getting back our financial footing and reconnecting as a couple.

She has given me the ILYBNILWY speech which was very hurtful. She refuses to accept any responsibility for our marriage problems. Everything falls on my shoulders and now her answer is to leave and get divorced so she can somehow "survive". I just wonder if she would be as quick to quit our marriage if there was not a Plan B(OM) in her mind?

The bottom-line is that I made mistakes with our finances and did not cherish her as a wife should be cherished. She is the most wonderful woman I have ever met and it pains me to be losing her. I have taken steps to get us on track financially and I am going to counseling. I want to make our marriage work and be stronger than it ever was. She sees no point in bothering as her mind is made up and is ready to move to her parents house within the next week. She wanted me to move but I refused because it is not feasible for me financially and she is the one that wants to end our marriage.

My best course of action is to work on improving myself so I can be a better husband and father. I love my D&S very much and I still love my W. I am not a substance abuser nor been abusive to her or my children and have never been unfaithful. Her wedding ring is off and so is her heart to someone else. I still have to believe there is hope but her heart is so hardened towards me.

I appreciate the responses so far from all here.

[DadNotQuitting]

markyb,

Wow, you and I have so many things in common on this that I don't even know where to start. Well, except you didn't get arrested for violating a bogus restraining order this week, but that's another topic......

I'm in the real estate industry, and after making some very serious $$, the last year or two has been a challenge. You know how it is. The financial issues are huge for women, not so much so they can shop constantly, but simply for the sake of being secure. Upset that apple cart and the wheels can and will come off.

My wife also did the EA with OM while this was going on, we are now separated, and she is seeing OM, which I'm sure is PA now. Long story. Way to f'n long to tell you the truth.

If you want, send me an email at [e-mail]. I have a couple things to say "off board".

DNQ

[DadNotQuitting]

PS,

This is very important: DO NOT MOVE OUT! DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! DON'T DO IT! STAY PUT! MAKE HER MOVE!

Was that too subtle, or did you get the message?

[DadNotQuitting]

M,

Check your email.....

D

[frank_D]

Do not move out. No no no!

Tell her that you will not leave your home and you will not give up on her, the kids or the home.

Tell her that you'd prefer that she stay and work with you to rebuild your life, which might mean selling your house or whatever BUT that regardless of what SHE does you are moving forward.

Tell her that if she plans on violating your wedding vows then she needs to consider finding a place to live because you will not tolerate an adulteress living with you.

And yes, you are correct that any 'man' who would chase a married woman whose marriage is in trouble is garbage. He is not the problem though, SHE is in a panic about her life and running away. Forget about him because he is a symptom.

This is the REAL problem: She has not seen you be a man in a long time. And a man is 'in charge'. She doesn't feel 'unsafe' because of the financials, she feels 'unsafe' because she doesn't believe you have the solution, probably because YOU have not been expressing confidence that you DO have a solution.

The 'solution' may be 'sell the house'. And that's OK. It's the confidence and the authority that is missing.

Go read 'The Way of the Superior Man' by Deida.

Go to the 'makingherhappy.com' website and join the free e-mail list and look at the free mail archives and get an idea what 'confident men' look like. You were that man, she married that man. Now you are living in fear and you need to turn that around.

[sandi2]

Hi, how are you making it today? I read frank-D's post and I have to agree with him about several things he said. One, don't agree to be the one to leave your home. Don't make it easy for her to move out and take your kids. Don't offer to give her any support with her bills if she moves out. Until the courts ordered, I wouldn't even give her money for the kids...I would ask what they needed and then go buy what it is they need. She will soon see that using the kids for her excuse for money...won't work. If she moves out anyway, I would set up a schedule to see you kids on a routine basis. Let her know you WILL continue to be a dad to your kids.

This is the tricky thing....you have to be firm...but yet not to the point that she feels you are actually "controlling" her....b/c then she will fight you tooth & nail. I don't think I would call her names....like an adulteress....even though you want to, or even if she may be one...it will just backfire on ya. What you say and how you say it will largely determine the outcome. Reminding her that she is breaking her wedding vows, etc., I can understand that is what you WANT to scream at her, but trust me, it is going to make it worse....so be careful. She knows she is breaking all the vows and it really does make it worse for you to bring it up. However, I do agree that you should not have to endure her behavior while living under the roof with you. So, you have some serious decisions to make.

You know what would have probably made my heart about break instead of making me furious? And...this would be most difficult to do....but if you can talk to her firmly...but sweetly....it will reach her ears and touch her heart. So, don't try it when you are mad! The only way will be for you to maintain your temper and talk softly and sweetly to her. She will know that you are serious...you won't have to yell, call her names or threaten her. But the velvet and steel action on your part just may very well get the results you are wanting.

IMHO, when a W wants out of the M....she can "fantasize" or emotionally divorce herself (even while she is still in the house) from her H....whatever it takes to feel free. It's the "freedom" she craves. That is why it is easier for the WAS to "cut it off" on everything....emotions, love, responsibility....everything. The space, freedom, privacy...all of that becomes more important than anything...in some cases, even the children. That is why she can "act" like she is single again....b/c that is how she wants to "feel". I know it is awful, but it is almost like a sickness. I don't mean to make excuses for her, I'm just trying to help you understand her. She has to accept her part of the downfall in the M....it wasn't all your fault.

I do want to say that "self-confidence" is very sexy. The first thing the OM, in my life, said that really "drew" me to him was that he knew how to get things done! All he had to do was make some calls, pull a couple of strings, and it was done. Man! That was "power" to me! Now, maybe it was the truth and maybe it wasn't, but that's not the point here. It turned me on...b/c my H was not like that. I never saw that kind of power or strength in him. It excited me that a man in OM position could find me sexy and desirable...and he was even younger than me. You see, he wasn't even that physically attractive, but he didn't have to be. It was the strength that I first saw. He had hinted around about having a good paying job, and then just come out and told me as much...but I still wasn't impressed. Nope...it was when he told me that other stuff.

The way I try to think about it now....b/c I'm still working on my M (I'm not fixed yet), is that if my H was in the postion of the OM, he would be powerful also. Maybe I'm not stating that very well....I mean it in a positive way...not comparing my H to OM (even if it sounds as though I am). If my H had a lot of money, I would probably be excited about that also. In other words, I fell in love with my H, but it was those "other things" that excited me about the OM...not love. I don't think I'm saying this well at all and I know that probably turns the stomachs of you men, but, it's the truth and I'm being honest as I know how. I think some of it goes back to how we women were raised as little girls. In my case, the men were suppose to take care of us helpless females....(that was a long time ago). So, it does affect my thinking toward men.

The OM in my life....well he wasn't the right moral type of guy either or he would not have chosen to have an affair with a married woman. But, as frank-D said, that isn't your real problem. Try to get your eyes off of OM...as hard as that is. Look at the real problem.

I believe you will be able to show her your strength and determination to get back on your feet again, in time. But I'm afraid, right now, she sees her opportunity to use you and the situation you have (in her eyes) caused....and she is going to take advantage of it. So you must have an awful lot of patience. Can you do that? Do you still want her bad enough to work that hard for her? Can you hold out long enough?

I hope you can....if that is what you want. If it is, then don't let anyone talk you out of it. Stay on course and you will get your family back.

Let me hear from you.

Sandi2