I think this is a good thing to do, sounds like you are helping your friend out in a very caring and careful manner.
I hope I am helping him and not hurting his chances at reconciling. His kids are older then mine and the pain on their faces is much more evident compared to my younger children.
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I am sure your W has to see the changes in you, if your friend is seeing it. Right now, it is all just about the waiting game.
I really do not know what my W sees anymore. As for waiting...I really do not want to sit around holding onto some false sense of hope. Sure I prefer my W, but I know that I will be fine without her. My pain now a days is for my little girls. They do not deserve a broken home.
Super Dad,
I browsed your thread a little last night and your goal setting is awesome - keep at it.
As the DBing goes, Yes, I have backslide some. To be honest I have just been in survival mode around my W. I just want to keep things civil and light.
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Nobody said it would be easy or fun, but it is the only way out of this sitch with your integrity and self-respect in tact.
Thanks for the DB reminder.
mkultra,
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If anything, we can bust our friends' divorces!
That is my hope with my friend or anybody else that confides in me in the future about D.
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Remember how your kids will look back and think of you.
Exactly, not only do I want my girls to be able to look at me as a man with integrity, I want them to have a high standard set by me for who they M in the future.
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but you need to surround yourself with some real people who do not sleep around.
I have some really good friends that I respect that are men of integrity that I confide in. They are for me and my M to my W. There just is not a magic bullet out there to make my W want to recommit to our M.
Journaling: I did not get to see my girls this weekend, since my W spent the night at her parents house the last couple of nights and will again tonight. The puppy woke me up at 3:15am and would not go back to sleep which made it difficult for me to get an more sleep. I will be picking my girls up tonight and will have them for a few hours before I bring them back to my IL's house. I really wonder if this is how things are going to go until our D is final. But maybe not, I do have my girls at our house tuesday threw this coming weekend. I will make the most of our time.
I am also thinking of sending an email to my W, stating a lot of my feelings that I have been holding in. I know that it will not bring her back to our M, but, at least it will not start an argument where she and I get defensive.
I guess it is normal for me to feel lonely not having someone to talk to that knows everything about me. I miss holding my W's hand, talking with her about what is going on in our lives, holding her, watching TV with her, doing projects around the house with her. I guess I miss all the little things that come with a loving R. I miss having a true companion in my life.
I am also thinking of sending an email to my W, stating a lot of my feelings that I have been holding in. I know that it will not bring her back to our M, but, at least it will not start an argument where she and I get defensive.
I think that you should be cautious about doing this. You have to remember that your W cannot think rationally and be reasonable. I don't want you to rock the boat only for you to get hurt more in the end. One more thing to consider is that you mentioned your W was forwarding all your emails to her attorney. H and I emailed back and forth for awhile and it helped me say a lot of things that I needed to say to him. I also wrote him some letters. I needed to say some things to him and I would never have been given the chance in person. Do what you need to do for yourself, but be ready to deal with the repercussions.
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I guess it is normal for me to feel lonely not having someone to talk to that knows everything about me. I miss holding my W's hand, talking with her about what is going on in our lives, holding her, watching TV with her, doing projects around the house with her. I guess I miss all the little things that come with a loving R. I miss having a true companion in my life.
I am really starting to feel lonely too. I am actually starting to look forward to meeting someone new. Now when I look back, I don't think that H and I ever had that great of a relationship. He never was a great guy. I want to meet the great guy. The one who cares about me and only me. You and I are both going to move on to better things. We have to...a lot of people are looking for someone like us. Hell, if OM and OW want to be with our cheating spouses, the line should be a mile long for us. I just read a book this last weekend that was called "He's just not that into you". It hit home. The book described a bunch of unhealthy relationships. The jist of the book was that if you are in the right relationship...you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells, he/she will like your family and friends, you will want to talk to each other a couple of times a day, he/she will not commit the ultimate betrayal by cheating on you and disrespecting you and it goes on and on. It opened up my eyes. Yes, I would have stayed in my marriage because I stood behind my vows, but my H is pushing me out, so I will start over...I will find the man who will cherishes me and loves me for me. Scott, you will do the same...the future is brighter.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
You have to remember that your W cannot think rationally and be reasonable. I don't want you to rock the boat only for you to get hurt more in the end. One more thing to consider is that you mentioned your W was forwarding all your emails to her attorney.
I understand your concern and have the same concerns myself. Maybe I should just wait until the D is final and make it my goodbye. I wasn't planning on being accusatory or negative. I just want to let her know how I feel and have felt throughout this ordeal and our M. I wanted to tell her about my unmet hopes and dreams for our M and the fact she must have them as well. Like you, I have done everything that I could have possibly done to save my M and make our M work. I guess it was just not meant to be. The end of my M is disappointing, but, there will eventually be someone better for me.
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I am actually starting to look forward to meeting someone new.
So am I. However I do not plan on jumping back into a serious R. Then again I am a person that if I do not see a possible future I will not go down that road. So dating will be interesting. Besides the fact that I was married to baseball, I never really dated before my W because I never meet someone that I saw a future with. So entering the dating scene will again be an interesting experience for me.
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He never was a great guy. I want to meet the great guy.
A great guy is what you deserve. I am glad I no longer have to remind you of that.
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You and I are both going to move on to better things. We have to...a lot of people are looking for someone like us.
I know that this is true for you, who wouldn't want Hope in their life. I just hope whomever it is for me can love me and my girls the way we deserve. My little girls deserve having a healthy example of a loving M in their lives, even if it cannot be their mommy and daddy together.
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The book described a bunch of unhealthy relationships. The jist of the book was that if you are in the right relationship...you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells, he/she will like your family and friends, you will want to talk to each other a couple of times a day, he/she will not commit the ultimate betrayal by cheating on you and disrespecting you and it goes on and on.
Sounds like an interesting book. You, the book, are absolutely right you should not have to walk on eggshells in a healthy R. There will always be something that you won't agree with your significant other about, but, you respect those differences and work through them to at least come to an understanding about them.
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Yes, I would have stayed in my marriage because I stood behind my vows, but my H is pushing me out, so I will start over...I will find the man who will cherishes me and loves me for me. Scott, you will do the same...the future is brighter.
I too wanted to made a stand for the vows that I took. I did not take them lightly and will not in the future if I find someone else.
I believe you are right the future is brighter for the both of us.
Like you, I have done everything that I could have possibly done to save my M and make our M work. I guess it was just not meant to be. The end of my M is disappointing, but, there will eventually be someone better for me.
It is disappointing for me too. I still feel like a failure...hopefully, I will get over those feelings. We really did all that we could to save our marriages. At the end of the day, we have to hang our hat on that and trust God will help us with the rest.
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Besides the fact that I was married to baseball, I never really dated before my W because I never meet someone that I saw a future with. So entering the dating scene will again be an interesting experience for me.
For me too, I never dated anyone but my H. One of my fears is the fine line between being too picky or not picky enough...I think that I need to date for awhile to see what is out there.
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I just hope whomever it is for me can love me and my girls the way we deserve.
Honestly, you have given me a whole new perspective. One day, one of my friends and I were joking around and talking about making a list of the type of guy that I should date. She said the usuals...nice, intelligent, good-looking, etc. and then she said no kids. I told her that I would date someone with children, and you are actually the reason that I would. You are an amazing guy. I see that you have been through the same struggles as me and to top it off, you have had to be strong every day for your girls...I haven't had to worry about anyone but myself. You are a great guy and father and you will find someone that loves you and your girls...don't settle for less.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
It is disappointing for me too. I still feel like a failure...hopefully, I will get over those feelings.
I think the feeling of being a failure goes away with time. We did all that we could, gave all we had. We are not failures, our S's failed our M's not us.
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At the end of the day, we have to hang our hat on that and trust God will help us with the rest.
I was given card a long time ago that said "Do your best and let God do the rest". I always believed that and tried to live by that simple saying. He will not put anything infront of me that I cannot handle. I may not always understand "why" but he is going to use this sitch and others for his good one day. We might not be able to see him working, but like you I trust that he is.
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One of my fears is the fine line between being too picky or not picky enough...I think that I need to date for awhile to see what is out there.
Same here. I worry more about being too picky and having someone get attached to me and then breaking her heart. I know how rejection feels and would hate to make anybody feel the way my W has made me.
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I told her that I would date someone with children, and you are actually the reason that I would.
Wow, thanks for the complement. I am glad that I opened up some possibilities for you. We guys with children can be pretty fun. Heck, we have to be where Dad's. I honestly think that when I find the right person she will quickly fall in love with my girls and wouldn't even think twice about being with me without them.
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I see that you have been through the same struggles as me and to top it off, you have had to be strong every day for your girls...
Yeah, we have had our struggles. I sometimes think that my mythical super dad image that my girls have of me is gone from them. But when I see their smiling faces and when they run to me wanting a huge hug I know they think no less of me now then before this mess. I hope my girls in the future pay me the biggest complement a dad can recieve and tell me they had a hard time finding a H who treats them the way I do and love as much as I do.
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you will find someone that loves you and your girls...don't settle for less.
Tonight has been a nice low key night with my girls. They were with a babysitter when I got home, so no interaction with my W for me tonight. I did recieve a couple of phone calls from her today while at work. Once was to ask me about the puppies leash and another time to see how far along my refi is on our house. It seems like she asks me about the refi on a daily basis. I try to be upbeat and friendly with her when I do talk to her. I just don't think it will save my M at this point, but it helps my sanity.
My parents are getting my girls tomorrow and then most of the day Thursday. Since D5 is starting kindergarten next week this is the last time that they can have them together during the week for a while. I cannot believe D5 is starting kindergarten time sure does fly. I can remember her being born like it happened yesterday or when she just curled up on my chest and slept. Now it is kindergaten and attitude.
I recieved an unexpected compliment tonight. While at my neighbors house tonight another neighbor said his W's friend wanted to meet the hot guy jogging in our subdivision the otherday. He did not know who she was talking about until I came running around the corner. To bad I cannot turn my W's head anymore......
It seems like she asks me about the refi on a daily basis.
It seems like just an excuse to talk to you. H and I can go weeks without talking. It seems a little odd that she wants to talk to you on a daily basis when she doesn't want to be with you?
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I recieved an unexpected compliment tonight. While at my neighbors house tonight another neighbor said his W's friend wanted to meet the hot guy jogging in our subdivision the otherday. He did not know who she was talking about until I came running around the corner. To bad I cannot turn my W's head anymore......
Even though it's not from your W, it is nice to get compliments. It definately helps boost our low self-esteem. I can turn heads almost every place I go. I know I can still turn H's head...he's just a little better at hiding it. I bet your wife's the same. For now, keep jogging and looking hot...who knows who you might run into. I bet a lot of us LBS's are in the best shape we have ever been in...between the infidelity diet and the exercising to help us feel better..we're definately looking better than the WAS's.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
It seems a little odd that she wants to talk to you on a daily basis when she doesn't want to be with you?
You are right it does seem strange that she has to call me daily like this. Our conversation are typically about our girls, the D, or somethinf silly like the leash conversation.
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Even though it's not from your W, it is nice to get compliments. It definately helps boost our low self-esteem.
Yeah, it was nice to hear. Especially since it was from someone that I do not know.
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I bet a lot of us LBS's are in the best shape we have ever been in...between the infidelity diet and the exercising to help us feel better..we're definately looking better than the WAS's.
It does seem like losing weight is a common theme on these boards. I actually think I lost to much weight. I bought some new jeans recently that were a size smaller then I used to wear and they hang on me.
It does seem like losing weight is a common theme on these boards. I actually think I lost to much weight. I bought some new jeans recently that were a size smaller then I used to wear and they hang on me.
I have dropped a couple of sizes. I wear a size 0 or 2 now. I probably have lost too much weight also, but I do feel that I look better than I have in years...maybe ever. H actually told me about 3 months ago that I look better than I ever have and he looks worse than he ever has.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
I probably have lost too much weight also, but I do feel that I look better than I have in years...maybe ever.
You know what they say with age comes beauty...and I guess with our S's infidelity comes weight loss....
Journaling: Last night I was crying in my sleep. Literally crying in my sleep. I was woken by the guys I work with from across the pond and I was filled with tears. All I remember from my dream is that I was saying that "I just want my family" over and over.
So my day started off with me being woken up with a problem at work and crying. Not exactly the way I would have pictured it. Now today my head has been in a fog, which I think is from crying, but I was sleeping.....strange...
My W has called again a couple of times today. Again just now to talk to me about what we talked about earlier in the day and she then mentioned that she heard that I saw my friend the other day. That actually lead into her telling me about part of her day on Saturday with our girls.
My W is into spending money on our girls clothes right now. Which makes things tighter for me and stinks because she is planning on taking the clothes with her when she leaves our house. I will have to go buy more clothes for them to have at my house, so I feel I am paying double to cloth my girls. At this time there is nothing that I can do about it because I am paying everything for my girls until the D is final. I don't think my W is really abusing this provision but defiantly taking advantage of the fact that I legally have to pay for everything for them. They are my girls and will provide for them, I just do not like making life after our D easier for my W.
I get my girls the next couple of nights and this coming weekend. Which should be fun. Tonight I am bringing them over to my parents and will spend the night with them there.
Today is also my little brothers b-day. DD5 is excited to give him his present. This means my 30th is coming up in a few weeks, will my D be final by then? I guess I have to wait and see.
