Walking in a minefield

[Nomopo]

Hi - remember me? I have resisted so many urges to post to you, and likely will regret it, but what the hey. And, I feel compelled again to say that I offer this in attempt to help you. (Though I am starting to feel like maybe I am pushing the wrong button over and over.)

The big bomb came when I had just had enough of her avoidance strategies, cornered her in the kitchen, and said "Look, just grow an (expletive deleted) spine and tell me what it is you need to tell me!" She responded by saying that she wanted to seperate from me.

Before you judge me, please remember that I was living in a state of abject misery. I had gained a lot of weight, was sleeping on averae about 3 hours a night, never saw her, and when I did she was, shall we say, less than nice to me.

So do you feel like that justifies you cornering her, using expletives and probably coming across in a rather threatneing way, or have you acknowledged to yourself that this was bad by you?

Later, she blamed me for the seperation for "forcing" her to say it.

Let me guess - you think what you did had zero to do with her leaving and zero to do with when she made the decision.

The waiting is killing me, I'm really getting tired of what my son is being put through, and I'm not having a great time myself (no matter what it may look like), but I feel like I just have to let her do something or it won't mean anything to her.

This is a very serious question and one that I think you need to honestly answer (though I suspect you will disagree): What does all of what has happened (the bomb, her leaving, this whole "event" in your life mean to you? You know you can't control her (at least you ought to know that, but it's not always clear), so what does it mean "for you"? What have you gotten out of this whole sitch?

From an absolutely brutal, no holds barred view, I think this has already gone beyond the point of recovery: She is very sick, confused, whatever, and I just have to ignore virtually everything that I know to be true in order to function on a day to day basis. So what do I do now? (<-Rhetorical)

What is your role in this mess? Have you owned up to your role?

Today, during the new 12pm call (MIL claims that the 10am call was too much trouble for her, great lady that), MIL told me that this Sunday, virtually everyone (W, MIL & SFIL, 2 sets of SILs and BILs) will be goint to services at this church, and invited me along. At one point, she said we could go as "the big, happy family that we will eventually be, no matter what".

Pissed me off pretty bad[/quote]

Why????

Showed a lot of gratitude, even put a (admittedly, only partially feigned) quaver of emotion in my voice. I know it is a sign that everyone is trying their best to bring us back together, and that W has softened her position, but I'm just a nturally straight-forward kind of guy. All these games are really starting to wear on me.

Here's the thing WC. I believe you have a very real, intense disdain for your W, and your MIL, and I'm sure others around you. Not sure why that is exactly, but it comes through clearly here and I would be willing to bet it comes through clearly to those people around you, even if you think you are acting just peachy keen, super nice. And if you will think about that for a bit, and if it is true admit it to yourself, you might find out why W thought about walking away in the first place, and why it may be so hard for her to come back. And, you might have an opportunity for your own growth experience. That's the whole point of focusing on you? Have you already had the growth experience and I have missed it?

Good luck, seriously,
Nomo