How are you making it today? I hope you don't mind that I asked a couple of friends that have been a big influence on me to call on you with some advice. They have been through it and know a lot better than I as to guidance right now.
Now that I see your W's age, I would probably think MLC may be also playing a big part in her life. Is she dressing younger/sexier, wearing more make-up, acting younger, change hair color, etc.? Now, I was a lot older when it hit me, so there is no magic number for MLC. Plus, I don't think I was in it as long as most people. Hopefully, I finally came to the point I could accept who and what I am and go on with my life. But, at any age, when a woman feels that she has lost her looks, youth, love, etc., it does a number on her ego/self-esteem. She starts looking for another man to give her what she needs, if her own husband lacks in that area. Although, my H was good to try to compliment me, I wanted to hear it from someone else. Maybe that is part of the MLC....I really don't know. I knew he would think that about me simply b/c he loved me. I wanted unbiased viewpoints. So, I went seeking OM over the internet. I wasn't really looking for love, but the "feel-good" thrill that they fed me. It was like a drug and I never realized that until I got on here and imLin and AmyC (and some others)let me have it! But that is what I needed...someone to shake me until I listen to some sense. Every thing they told me was true, but I was so much in that "fog" until I couldn't see it at first. Plus, just b/c I came on this board did not mean that I still wasn't desiring to contact the OM. That was a real battle for me to win. I have to kind of deal with it like a drug addict. Especially in the beginning I took it an hour at a time. Then, I could say, Ok, I got through today....now I will work on tomorrow when it comes. But, I wanted the "feeling of falling in love". That "high" is like a drug and you don't want to come down. But, we couldn't live like that day in and day out. We weren't designed to hold up under that kind of emotional pressure.
You asked me what my H did to change my mind. Remember, I never left him....I just wanted to. The most important thing was the fact he back off....and he did it quickly. He knew I meant business when I told him to give me space! And he did....plenty of it...and yet without being rude, crude or obvious. In other words, he was acting pretty normal, whereas when he discovered the OM, he was acting....well, kind of like you were. It drove him crazy.
Did I love my H? Yes! Did I want to hurt him? No! But, my space and privacy was so valuable/important to me that I would have thrown ....are you listening?.....I would have thrown 41+ years down the drain to get away from him!!! I hated the way he acted, talked, etc. after he discovered the OM. I couldn't stand to be around him. He smothered me to death...asking questions, watching me....all of it. For one reason, that was not him! He had never done that before. After learning about the OM, he would snoop,ease drop,check out the computer's history, etc. So, it does a number on the spouse....the EA/PA. I understand that!
Before I saw her age, I really thought your W would be younger. She sounded younger. For some reason, she seems to want to make you jealous. IMHO, that is why she is telling you about the dates, etc. She wants you to know these things. Why? Just to hurt you? I don't really think so. There is another reason. Have you hurt her in the past? Have you ignored her that long? Have you made her feel unattractive or boring? There is some reason she finds it necessary to tell you about how exciting her life is without you.
I know it must be the hardest thing in this world to do....the things imLIN said to do. But, if she is worth it...you can do it. That's the key. Is she worth it? Do you want her that badly? I wondered when I read your reply. Don't misunderstand...we are on your side. However, it does take so much work on the LBS! As you've been told, you are the only one you can change. And by the way, until you realize that you DO need to change...it isn't going to work out. My H couldn't really see the areas he needed to change. So, there is still work to be done. My point is this....you've got to do it if you get her back.
I think she still loves you or she would not care one flip that you knew what she was doing or that OM were involved or she wouldn't take the time to answer the phone. She wouldn't still run back to you when she was let down by somebody else (if that's the case). But, she is very, very fragile right now. She will probably continue to be fragile for quite a while. So again, I ask you....is she worth it?
Read again about doing the 180. She has got to hear and see the changes in you. But the important factor is this...those changes are not to win her back, it is to make you a better person....even if she doesn't come home. And, don't expect her to come running home after doing the 180 for a couple of weeks, cause she is not going to trust it at first. You've got to prove it out over a period of time. These are for you...to last the rest of your life. When she is convenced...then she will be ready.
I hope that you will follow the advice from the books and the people on this board that have been in the same boat or the WAS. That is the only thing that will work.
Let me hear how you are doing.
Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
