I think what also is going on is that when women talk about getting in the mood, getting the right mindset, what they are really doing is trying to arouse themselves and then HOPE that desire shows up. Testosterone causes desire without having to be arroused. Testosterone cause desire WITHOUT having to have a REASON for it. And one of the keys to marriage is being able to desire your spouse when they DON'T earn it.
Cemar, I believe women may have to be more creative to keep their desire on track because of the testosterone disadvantage. I have a list of things that have worked for me in the past, so I know what to do when I am feeling LD...I have cleared the path. I have confidence I can turn things around and get there. People who are in a low desire state have decided to keep the road blocks up, for whatever reason ( and often the reasons are obscure and multifaceted). I have never taken testosterone, but I can assure you that when I am feeling HD it's as strong as you do. I am getting to a place where I like the idea that I can modulate my desire; I know with work I can get to a HD place, and I also know that sometimes it's inappropriate to be HD. Which brings me to the next question: Why do you say that you should desire your spouse even when he/she doesn't merit it?
Lillieperl Thanks,(sincerely) for the obvious, direct response. IMO I was not punishing him as he was not attempting anything, he rolled over and went to sleep. I was depriving myself and I think NJ nailed it with "...psychologically, I wasn't ready to be that close with H at that moment" No, I am not considering my marriage sex "starved" but we do go through some droughts that I am taking responsibility for, for the most part, and reading the BB has helped me to figure out a few reasons and things to change.
Martelo- "It's interesting to note that you were still sexually interested after a confrontation. Something that some of the men may find counter intuitive or just plain surprising if they have always tried to placate and keep things calm in the hope of a possible sexual " payoff ". I can't speak for anyone other than myself, of course, but I would say for me, my Drive and need for touch are very high after combat. 99.9% of the time we have make-up sex. Now, that I have typed that I am thinking H gave me the cold shoulder and was punishing me
Haphazard- I guess I picked the wrong F
Cemar - You really confuse me!!!!You ALWAYS talk of wanting to have desire from your wife? Do you really mean you just want her to be horny or do you really want her to desire YOU? Again, IMO, these are different, just like sex & ML. I could have had sex last night (well, maybe) but I am pretty sure it would not have started as making love
NJ - Thanks, for your thoughts, again. I find myself in a similar mindset but you are way further ahead of the game. I'm still quite a work in progress but these boards really help. NJ_"I am getting to a place where I like the idea that I can modulate my desire; I think this is what I am looking to do, because I just FINALLY realized this "I know with work I can get to a HD place, and I also know that sometimes it's inappropriate to be HD."
Cemar, I would also be interested in the answer to NJ's question "Why do you say that you should desire your spouse even when he/she doesn't merit it?"
I am fairly new to posting so I hope I have done the quote stuff correctly, please bear with me on technical stuff and THANKS to everyone for the response.
Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle. (Amy Bloom)
LIH, With all the twists and turns and ups and downs of life, I will always be a work in progress,lol. This board has helped me immeasurably to work through the marital issues and have more clarity. Just wish it didn't have to take so long!
Which brings me to the next question: Why do you say that you should desire your spouse even when he/she doesn't merit it? Simple, because if one spouse gets to set condtions, then so does the other and you now have an endless blame game. For example: Women lose desire for hubby because he does not give her QT. He on the other hand does not give her QT because she no longer desire him. Why would we assume that HE should meet her needs first (unconditionally), while she gets to wait and see if he "merits" desire (conditional).
If he does not "merit" desire, then she certainly does not "merit" QT.
Cemar- I think maybe part of our difference in opinion lies in the fact of the time period we are talking about. In your marriage you say it's been years, in mine it is a couple of nights. Yes I agree that vicious circle can happen easily. But someone needs to be the adult in the R and go first. I am confused a little with the words merit & earn desire. I don't think I make my H "earn" desire. I think desire is a natural occurence in a relationship but it does have it's ups and downs for us based on all kinds of things. but I came to this BB to get a little advice and input on how to help myself out of the lows. I am here to keep my drive going to fulfill his (and mine) needs so in return I get my QT I may have been a little vague in my description, as I said I think I felt horny after our disagreement but not loving, I would have liked what I think has been referred to here as "the wolf" to show up in my bed, almost a way to work out my anger, some go jogging or punch a boxing bag... me I wanted to well you know. But my mind said if I did that then H would think I was OK with what happened and it was a truce and I was not ready to call a truce,(or as NJ stated I wasn't pyschologically ready) I didn't not attack as punishment to him cuz I am pretty sure he could of cared less or he would have initiated, it was a fear that my actions would be misinterpreted. Does that make any sense?
Maybe when he gets home I should just jump him and see how that works, a late 180?
Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle. (Amy Bloom)
I think desire is a natural occurence in a relationship but it does have it's ups and downs for us based on all kinds of things. Desire is "based on all kinds of things", in other words, you just made desire CONDITIONAL. THis means you just made meeting your husbands needs CONDITIONAL upon what he does to MERIT the meeting of his needs. I assume then that he ALSO gets to meet your needs CONDITIONALLY, and then you will end up stuck, because he can not meet your needs since you can not meet his. Unless of course you expect that he must meet your needs UNCONDITIONALLY, while you get to meet his conditionally.
Based on all kinds of things The things I was thinking of were things we (both H and I) do not always have control of. Cemar!!! I am here , honestly TRYING very hard to keep my desire equal or higher than my H's. And while I find you challenging I also am starting to think your wife will NEVER meet your expectations because with all your reading you have set the bar way to high for her & if I were married to you I would give up because I would feel no matter what I will not meet your expectations. What is it you want???? Is she to desire you every minute of every day? Are you looking to be on a pedestal, some god she worships and never gets enough of? I don't think that is realistic.
Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle. (Amy Bloom)
