Burn Notice

[Kettricken]

Fishing for compliments is a long term habit of mine. I'm trying to reprogram in this brave new Schnarchian world of differentiation.

There are so many nuances to this, though. There's the needy, fused, "How do I look?", which can mean anything from "I think I look good but my opinion means nothing unless confirmed by yours" to "I think I look lousy but maybe if you tell me I look good I'll feel better" to "I'm so damn fused I don't even know anymore".

On the other hand, "How do I look?" could also mean "I think I look smokin' hot but would welcome a man's perspective" or "Are these the best possible earrings for this outfit?" Which is not particularly fused. In which case, though, it's probably better to phrase it those more specific ways ....

I think the affirmative self-compliment can be just as fishy-fused as straight out asking ... *IF* you expect your partner to verbally concur. If you can get to the point where you can *honestly* say "Look out, world, I look FANTASTIC!!!" and have that mean something to you with or without your partner's response .... super. In which case it's probably better to do it in the mirror, by yourself.... speaking for myself anyhow, it's tough for me not to question my motives if I do it the hearing of S.

I don't know how well fishing works as "asking for what you want", either, Lillie ... I do see your logic, but like Corri, if I have to ask for it, will I ever quite believe it? Perhaps he was just unobservant and does think I look great, cooked the perfect meal, whatever ... but on the other hand, if I ask or fish, maybe I'm just putting words in his mouth, or worse, pressuring him to say something positive he doesn't really mean. Either way, it can feel kind of empty .....

Read some more of what everyone said, and you make a good point, Lillie. If it's something abstruse in your area of specialization, it can't hurt to explain WHY it's such a big deal to you. Seems like that would come naturally anyhow. But like Corri said, at that point whether or not their enthusiasm is forthcoming shouldn't (does too often, but shouldn't) lessen your joy.

Can you tell I'm just at the beginning of all this differentiating stuff and overthinking it just a tad? grin ....

However, I think asking or fishing for *sex* can be totally different. It depends on the relationship. Unless one partner hates sex and never ever wants is, *both* partners are potentially going to get something out of it. In which case saying "Do you want to get horizontal?" is much more like saying "Do you want to go get ice cream?" than "Do I look good in this?" Even if the person doesn't always want ice cream when you do, they do *sometimes*, so it's not one-sided/needy/validation-seeking of you to ask.

Asking for "mercy sex" however, is a completely different kettle of ... fish.