Frustrated and Saddened #2

[Elena]

Hang in there. You are doing great. Keep yourself busy. What are you doing to focus on YOU?

Encouraging that she declined an invitation because it was your anniversary weekend. I would say that is a positive. Hard to keep your head on straight sometimes with all the signals you're trying to read . . I know. But remember, what do you need to do for YOU?

[stewart10]

Thanks Elena. I am really trying my best to try and work on myself. Getting back to doing things that I always have liked to do. Baketball, fishing, reconnecting with old friends.

Encouraging that she declined an invitation because it was your anniversary weekend. I would say that is a positive. Hard to keep your head on straight sometimes with all the signals you're trying to read . . I know. But remember, what do you need to do for YOU?

I thought the same thing. However, lately she has been so good at manipulation and deceipt, I would not be surprised if she already has plans for that day and was just using the anniversary weekend as an excuse to not have to go, or to get out of letting me know why she can't go. Unfortunately she has made me into a pessimist. Based upon recent history, I always expect alterior motives for anything that she does or says. There are some things that are getting better, but nothing really big. Just kind of feel like I am in a rut.

[waw1978]

Stew

Thats good news about your W still attending the wedding and acknowledging your anniversary. Hang in there. Keep DB'ing and working on you

[Bakit Ngayon Pa]

Hi Stew,

Just reading up on your sitch. Just hang in there. There are "up" days and there are "down" days. The key is to still have a PMA while you are on one of those "down" days.

Good luck!

[stewart10]

Thats good news about your W still attending the wedding and acknowledging your anniversary. Hang in there. Keep DB'ing and working on you

I also think it is good news. Trying not to put too much stake into it though. It is just one day in a long procession of days I need to deal with in order to get me back to where I want to be. The anniversary may be a bit more tricky, but I am going to go in there not expecting much so it will be difficult for me to be disappointed.

Just reading up on your sitch. Just hang in there. There are "up" days and there are "down" days. The key is to still have a PMA while you are on one of those "down" days.

Good luck!

Thanks BNP. Keeping the PMA is one of the tougher things for me, I find. However, it is a necessary element to making this whole process work, so it is important that I keep on working on it. Hoping more "up" days are on their way for me and everyone on this board.

[stewart10]

Well, the wedding is this weekend. She has come home each night this week, however, she is not home yet tonight, although she tells me she will be home tonight. This weekend, I am just trying to take it easy. I have to go up there tomorrow since I am in the wedding. She has to work tomorrow night, so she is not ocming up until Saturday. Gonna try and have a good time tomorrow night.

How do most people deal with the lack of emotional connection/intimacy? I find it hard to go anywhere, as I am basically starved for emotional connection.

[Heimlich]

Stew,

Have fun at the wedding. I know what you mean by feeling the loss of the emotional connection. However, I find that it's by starting to focus on doing whatever makes ME happy -- going to dance classes right now, taking my girls to see Harry Potter tomorrow/dinner after (with or without W, don't know which now), reading, thinking about me and my goals -- are slowly getting me to a place where I'm truly OK. I miss my W and the intimacy that we had, but realize that unless she opens that door herself, it's gone, possibly forever. And really, you know what, that's truly her loss too.

So, have fun tonight and tomorrow.

Keep making efforts with your W, but stop focusing on her so much.

BD

[stewart10]

Well, I had a great time at the wedding. None of my friends knew we were having problems, and I don't think they know anything now. My W acted normal around them. However, she was constantly getting up to walk outside and talk on her cell. Bothered me, but I did not let on to her that it did. After the reception we were all in the hotel van on the way back when it was decided that we would stop off at a bar on the way. She said she did not want to go, and that would have meant in the past that I would also not go. But instead I said see you in a while back at the hotel. Went out and got back about an hour later.

Just stepping back a bit, I was in the wedding so I had to be up there on Friday night for the rehearsal. I had asked my W to take Friday off work so that she could come with me. She said she was not able to take time off of work right now. So, I said that is okay and I will go up without you and see you on Saturday. Anyway she wakes up this morning as I am getting ready for work and tells me that she is going to be taking off work tonight and going up to Albany to hang out with a girl she used to work with up there and go to a concert. So frustrating. But I say okay, sounds like fun. Enjoy.

We have not had a R talk since the beginning of July (when she said she needed to move out, but hasn't really done it). She basically stays out when she pleases, although most of the time, she stays at home. We appear to just be in limbo. Nothing of note really getting better. Nothing really getting worse, except for a couple days out in a row here and there. Our anniversary is next monday. Not expecting (or at least) trying not to have any expectations of that day. Hard to be disappointed if there are no expectations. I do have a bit of a dilemna about the anniversary which I will post about later.

Overall, not a great R weekend (nothing bad-no fights or anything like that), but I had fun nonetheless. It was good to be around some of my buddies and not think about my situation for at least a while.

[stewart10]

Heimlich:

I know what you mean by feeling the loss of the emotional connection. However, I find that it's by starting to focus on doing whatever makes ME happy -- going to dance classes right now, taking my girls to see Harry Potter tomorrow/dinner after (with or without W, don't know which now), reading, thinking about me and my goals -- are slowly getting me to a place where I'm truly OK. I miss my W and the intimacy that we had, but realize that unless she opens that door herself, it's gone, possibly forever. And really, you know what, that's truly her loss too.

This is really poignant. I think I will print it out and try and read it daily. I have been having the hardest time focusing on myself, instead of my W, the last few months. I guess I have not got to the point where I am okay if things don't work out. This is going to take some time for me. I still don't see a future without my W being a part of it. I have been GAL, but have not really begun to detach. You are right, if she does come back, it will be her decision, and nothing that I am doing is going to sway her that way. She has to want to on her own.

Keep making efforts with your W, but stop focusing on her so much.

Understood. Thanks for your advice/insight.

[Heimlich]

I keep having trouble with detaching as well. Mentally, I feel OK. Actions are just so-so. For almost 17 years, like you, I couldn't imagine a future without my W in it. It literally wasn't possible. I'm just starting, but I'm beginning to be able to think of the future and not see her there. Man, it stinks.

Letting her go without comment on taking time off to visit a friend is a big step for you, good job.

Glad you had a good time at the wedding. Bittersweet I'd imagine.

BD