I remember how excited I was the first time I got published. I still remember the feeling, and it is one I cannot describe. The very first person I wanted to tell was my xH.
I ran over to his office, and I could barely contain my excitement. His response was..."congratulations... I think that's great... I have to get back to work."
Talk about going from immense high to immense low in 2.3 seconds. He sh!t all over me... and you know what? It wasn't his fault... it was mine. I was seeking validation from him. I wanted him to be excited for me, and since I wanted that... and his response didn't come close to what I expected... I let it hurt me.
An argument could be made that his response was lacking... but it was my accomplishment, my excitement, and had I been more self-validating at the time, the mere fact that I had gotten published would have been my reward... and my xH's lack of enthusiastic response would not have mattered to me. Instead, I sought his approval, and put his response 'value' above my own. I gave him power he neither wanted nor asked for... I set him up (unconsciously, but I still did it), and because he didn't respond as I thought he should, he failed.
This is what I am talking about, and HDs do this to their partners all the time. It is not a criticism, it is an observation... and it is what "No More Mr. Nice Guy" focuses on, in a very big way.
I think female HDs do this to their partners in a slightly different way than the guys... but... I think they still do it.
It is extremely unattractive, and it kills energy flow between partners.
