please help with advice, new here, H in mlc

[HBT]

Mom,
Well, I did the big no no by getting into the 'r talk' right away and h almost left. Thats when he said maybe this was a bad idea. I knew it was the wrong thing to do but it was as if I couldn't stop myself. I just want this craziness to end and I even though I know I can't make it happen, my heart is screaming just that. When does the shock/detachment/calming behaviours start? I'm waiting? I'm ready! Please!

Anyway, I just looked at him, in his eyes for a long moment. h asked 'what are you looking at is my hair messed up or what' and I said "I was just trying to see if (you) were still in there somewhere! The h I know and love". You know, we used to look into each others eyes like no tomorrow. My love, my best friend, where did he go? That is truly how I feel. Its such a empty void.

I'm am so happy he didn't leave right away maybe 1.5 hrs he was here total. We did relax and do some of our old routine and were 'friends'. He said he was glad he came at the end. I so hope he meant it. I'm just not confident in his words anymore.