You got it...my H always used to say "There is no reasoning with an unreasonable person."....Boy was he ever right...for every reason I had that we should work on things...he had another 3 reasons we shouldn't...and all of them were unreasonable reasons!!!
Hi Lin! How did you cope those 2 years of separation? Don't think I could bear it.
Been told today by my counsellor that I am allowing this to happen; it is my choice. I think she means I should ask him to leave because he is 'comfortable' with the situation as it is. H told me he was scared to leave in case it didn't work out and he didn't want to burn his bridges. I was convinced he would move out very soon but it's not happening yet.
Instead, he seems to be accelerating his 'visits' which include a long weekend now. I feel like saying 'go' but he should have the guts to leave, Lin. What do you think?
I know some say you can really Db while So is still at home,but I could not stand my H's coming & going & out for the weekends AND still having eating his caek at home. So, I insited he leave b/c my H also would not leave but he was too proud to admit the reasson yours stated. My h jsut said he did not want it to be permanent & he was not in for the long haul w/ her..well its been 4 months papers r signed & still H says he will not file...goes back & forth on coming back...i told him one tiem not too b/c i thought he wasn't ready
Glad that I haven't confessed to finding his notes about him "cheating" on me because I'm obviously not ready. He hasn't confessed to cheating and is obviously not ready either.
We spent the whole weekend together, as agreed, but it felt forced and obligatory, by both of us. In his off time, I think he was sulking for having to be there. In my off time, I kept thinking, do I really want this? to stay with such a dishonorable, self-absorbed, lying, cheating H? How do I stop doing this?
Also feeling sex-crazed lately, always the one to initiate. Then I feel bad about it after, feeling sexually competitive with OW and feeling that I do it only to feel some moment of love/affection from H. What's wrong with me? Have I become needy?
Have been very anxious about this coming weekend, it's our 5th wedding anniversary. I brought it up, again. He keeps forgetting, asked if we were getting each other gifts, what ideas did I have for plans. Me: I don't know, that's why I keep asking you, suggested maybe an overnight at a hotel downtown. So H is going to check it out.
I should be glad that's H is willing to work on M but suspect that he's just going through the motions. I need to get back to serious DBing with patience and PMA but am having trouble doing it.
Mustn't be impatient. Before my H dropped the bomb we had several chats in which he put hypothetical questions to me, like, Do you think it's possible for a man to love 2 women? He reckoned it was to do with his work. His behaviour changed as well - similar to what you describe about your H. I should have twigged then - but I didn't. When I asked him why he told me about the A he said he couldn't stand the lying and cheating and couldn't sleep at night. What I'm saying is you may well get a confession any time soon.
Your other option is to confront him. Think carefully about this and the outcome: will he rush into your arms? will he rush to OW's arms? will he have his cake and eat it (like my H)?
Another way into this, depending again on what kind of outcome you would ideally like, is to use the 5 years together as an opportunity to take stock of you R : where you are, where you're heading, what you want from the R individually and as a couple. In opening up to him, you may spur him on to be more honest with you. It's obvious from what you write that you are both unhappy.
My H went through the motions for 6 months before the bomb.We didn't talk about it. I knew he was unhappy but believed it was work related stress. He's besotted with his work.
Now I see a pathetic, needy, weak, shell of a man and I wonder why I'm clinging on so hard but after 30 years it's all I know.
Re becoming a sex-maniac: no you are not needy, like all of us you want love and affection. The same week the bomb dropped I bought a ton of sexy lingerie and had to stop myself buying accessories if you know what I mean!
I wanted to feel desirable and sexy. I wanted to feel like a woman and yes I was competing with OW I suppose. But the most important thing was me feeling, smelling, looking good.For too long I've neglected that part of myself, swathed in flannelette nightie. (what an attractive prospect for H! Part of the R problem.)
You have to work on your PMA and read all the books/advice you can. Be your own woman- you can do it - and find an opportunity to talk to him in a non-threatening way first.
Let me know how you get on. Amazing how easy it is to dish out advice but when it's your own situation you're paralised.
Thanks for that. I'm rapidly reaching the conclusion that I can't stand the coming/going day in day out. It feels crap and maybe would be better if he left. However I'm just not brave enough at the moment and reckon he should have the guts to do the decent thing.
Anyway, how do you feel about your M? Do you want him back? How do you cope with the back and forth behaviour? When will he be ready?
I posted my update on my thread,are we piecing yet, this am. I think we are real close to moving forward. He doesn't have much contact with OW, but can't seem to make the final disconnect.
I'm trying to get him to move back in with a friend so he can taste some reality. He doesn't want to move our of our home, but understands why he needs to. We have become very close since he moved back 12 weeks ago. We are getting along very well and enjoying each others company. I'm afraid if he doesn't move out, then he will continue to cake eat. He told me last night that he is so much more emotionally attached to me then when he moved out the first time and that it will be hard for him. I'm thinking that is good.
Faith
H 48 W 57 M 15 yrs T 18 yrs No children EA 1/12/06 Moved out 3/10/07 & 8/16/07 Back on 5/18/07 2nd Thread
Sounds good to me. Really good. You seem to be a sensible and calm woman which no doubt has drawn him back to you in part. Wonder when he'll ditch OW completely? Strange that he can't see he needs to do this if you two are to rebuild trust and reconcile. Good Luck and keep posting on your progress.
