He has said so many conflicting things. He said initially that he has been unhappy for a very long time and just never fully realized that he was so unhappy. He said that he remembered waking up for the 1st 2 years we were married each morning thinking how great everything was and that he doesn't feel that way anymore. We were engaged/dating about 3 years prior to that which was pretty much ALL great times - so I tried to point that out to him that our first 5 years together were incredibly happy and he said - I don't count the years before we were married (hmmm - that is a new one to me). That is where the initial statement of "I've been unhappy for 5yrs came from" (7yrs married minus the 2 waking up every morning happy). Which later somehow turned to 6 years and which now he is pretty much saying the entire marriage?
He says that he has tried to bring up these issues before and that he is tired of trying. I told him that I agreed with him and that now looking back & reflecting I do see times where he tried to communicate these things to me but I just didn't get it. He is not one to just come out and say something (famous quote - "I don't not like it"). Not that I am trying to excuse it - but there is nothing I can do about the past - all I can say is I get it now - loud & clear!
He just keeps saying "I don't think I can work on anything". I respond "I can understand how you would feel that way right now & I am sorry for that. But I am going to do everything I can fight for us & our marriage".
I think I have done as best I can with 180's, GAL's, etc which he must have noticed b/c he didn't say anything to me but he did comment to one of his friends that he can't believe I am doing all of this stuff now and that he thinks it's all for show.
He had also been saying that he A)Doesn't believe that I can truly change these things or B) If I do successfully change these things that I won't truly be happy. We had gone round&about with this one a couple of times & my response consistently has been that knowing what I know now & how we got to where we are - how could I not change x,y,&z. Feeling the way I am feeling right now is enough motivation to never do those things again. Regardless of what happens this has been an eye opening, life changing experience for me. After weeks he finally conceded that it is not that he doesn't believe that I can change, it's that he is not sure if he can accept it (get over the way he feels).
When I confronted him about the EA - about 1 mo ago - I told him that I was just going to go ahead with the divorce. He got so angry & was crying (so emotional like I have never seen him before):
Me: Why are so upset, this is what you wanted, I am giving you what you wanted. H: This is not what I wanted Me: That is what you told me, you told me that you wanted a divorce H: I never said that, I said I wanted to end this marriage Me: Sorry, I didn't know that there was a difference H: And I only said that b/c you forced me to Me: I did not force you to say anything - yes I asked you - but you could have said anything - you could have said you weren't sure, you could have said you needed more time, you could have said no.
I apologized for this the next day & told him that I still would like to try and work through things.
We have not had any R talks in a little over a week. Last weekend we talked a little bit. Something he said then that really hurt/bothered me was that he felt like our relationship has been a financial one and that we weren't friends anymore. That is something that I wholeheartedly disagree with - but I just bit my tongue. If anything, I would say that we were always great friends - we always cracked each up and had such fun together. He said he feels that way b/c he feels that he was unable to talk to me about these things. Well, he has great friends & family and he never talked to them about the way he was feeling either.
He has also told me that there are times throughout this process where he would think hopefully - but then they would get wiped away. He said his feelings change day by day and sometimes hour by hour - hence the rollercoaster that I am hanging on to.
