I've never chimed in here before, and I'm so sorry to see that you are going through this, it's not easy, but I do have something to say about sex addiction. I'm married to a sex addict. We've been in personal counseling and marriage counseling for seven years. My husband goes to SAA (Sex Addicts Annoymous), has a sponsor, works the 12 Steps and sees his therapist on a regular basis. I attend SA-ANON, just like ALANON, and see my therapist on a regular basis also. Not as frequently as I used to, but at least once or twice every few months. I have a sponsor I talk to daily, work the 12 Steps and live a really good life now. I am responsible for me. He is responsible for him. Recovery can happen, it's hard and full of strife, but to me the journey has been better than the craziness of my H acting out and my reacting to it. Vicious cycle. One you're smack dab in the middle of.
The crazy life you have described with your H is all too familiar to me and makes much more sense now. Sex Addiction, or SA if you will, is a complicated addiction to understand. It's different from alcohol or drugs in that we as humans are sexual beings. It's part of our make-up. Think of it more along the lines of a food addiction.
It also explains why you've been DBing your heart out with no results or what you think are results to only have them blow up in your face again. You're H is in an acting out cycle. Some of the suggestions that you can find in the DB series is counter prouductive to living in recovery with an SA. Honesty and knowing where and who your partner has been with becomes more of a life saving importance. Unprotected sex can kill. But that's neither here or there just yet, y'all are miles from recovery.
One of the first things you can do for yourself is breathe. In our 12 Step program we have the three Cs. You didn't CAUSE it, you can't CONTROL it and you can't CURE it. You have to cut yourself a break immediately. He's not going outside of the marriage because of anything you did. He's helpless to his addiction, right now. He won't always be helpless to it with the right kind of help, but right now he is. He's also in a really scary place. Admitting that we have an addiction is so scary.
Reading might be a good thing for you. Online there are a few really great places to start. SA-ANON: http://www.sa.org/ SexHelp.com is the site for Dr. Patrick Carnes, he's a leader in the Sex Addiction field: http://www.sexhelp.com/ a listing of his publications: http://www.sexhelp.com/publications.cfm , "Out of the Shadows" is an excellent book to start with, it has sections for both the sex addict and their partner/family.
Lisa, this time is scary, but you can get through this. If you can go through the ugly craziness of undiagnosed SA acting out, you can get through discovery and work toward recovery. It's hard as hell and takes a really long time, but you've got friends on here who understand.
I'm not really comfortable giving advice, but I will on this one, do yourself an IMMEDIATE favor - do not tell friends and families about your husband being a sex addict right away. Talk with a therapist who specializes in SA and ask him/her about how and when other people should be told. This is for YOUR peace of mind and your childrens, not about sheltering the addict. Because not all people will understand and you will find yourself and your family under heavy scrutiny. It happens to all of us. Talk to the people here. Email me and vent, ask questions, scream if you need to.
My name is Steph and my email is conjured_1@yahoo.com. You can contact me anytime, and I will keep an eye on your thread and be available for any questions.
