Nomopo's Sitch - Patience, Patience, Patience

[stillme]

Girls, just to officially state for the record: Nomo is a great catch! There were strange [no, not strange-weird, but strange-unknown] women eyeing him & sighing all wkend. (But I still saw him first.) j.

[slowly]

Hi there Nomo - I'm touched, you talked about my musings with your C Glad it helps. You know I come here for my affirmation fix, don't you

This came up in IC this morning. We think one day, when she is re-engaged/re-invested in the M, she will be able to admit this, but not right now. IC said W is in huge denial about some things, including this. So, this goes on the backburner for a while.

NG to this day has not sat down and walked me through what happened. The closest I got came about 4 months after he wrote the 'final email' to ow. Her H had called our home and ranted. By then I was well into dbing, and did not bat an eyelid. Just let him deal with it. After filing a police report ( the call had been quite abusive)he just looked up and offered - how could I have done this to you, with tears in his eyes. That was it. But in his actions, he has been doing all the right things. His belief, as he put it to me, is that words are cheap, and it is only through actions that he can pursue a more authentic relationship. A die-hard Martian, my H So, I guess this is a heads-up, depending on how W processes these poor choices she has been making, she may just want to move on, and not dwell on amplifying the pain.

on a subconscious level mostly, if not entirely (I didn't realize it until some time in the last few weeks/months and somewhat today), because my reaction to abandonment is to become more independent, to say this is not a problem and to deny that I have needs that are not being met. I act as if I don't need intimacy, affection, affirmation, or to hear "I love you" every day

Ummm, what are you doing about this?


Slowly

[Nomopo]

Girls, just to officially state for the record: Nomo is a great catch! There were strange [no, not strange-weird, but strange-unknown] women eyeing him & sighing all wkend. (But I still saw him first.) j.

Thanks Still. Not exactly as I wrote it, but still sounded pretty good. When are you going to give me some deep analysis on my sitch?

Nomo

[Nomopo]

Hi slowly.

So, I guess this is a heads-up, depending on how W processes these poor choices she has been making, she may just want to move on, and not dwell on amplifying the pain.

I knew that, despite what I wrote and I can live with it.

on a subconscious level mostly, if not entirely (I didn't realize it until some time in the last few weeks/months and somewhat today), because my reaction to abandonment is to become more independent, to say this is not a problem and to deny that I have needs that are not being met. I act as if I don't need intimacy, affection, affirmation, or to hear "I love you" every day

Ummm, what are you doing about this?

I am not sure what you are getting at exactly, so let me try to answer from a few different perspectives. First, I simply am not getting these needs met at this point. I mean intimacy and affection are on hold until W comes home and starts to provide it, until she divorces me or until I move on. I do get affirmation and love (though not the kind you would expect/get form a spouse or committed life partner) from friends and family.

Second, as far as the self awareness part, and understanding more about my needs and defenses, and my independence, etc., which at this point in my journey is most important, I continue to explore that for myself and for my next R (with W or someone else, and with my kids, friends and other family) with my C in IC. I am learning what my needs are, and what my reactions were to not having my needs met, and how that affected me and my Rs with others. It is an AFGE (Another F*cking Growth Experience), and it is awesome.

Third, I am doing some initial, preliminary thinking about what W and I will have to try to work on to make sur emy needs are met in the event of a reconciliation. I fully understand that if we try to work on our M, we both have needs that were unmet before that need to be met this time.

Let me know if you had something else in mind when you asked the question.

Thanks slowly, and big hugs,
Nomo

[slowly]

Hi Nomo - Hey, after I posted to you, and headed out for the evening, I kept thinking that it had been an incomplete post. Don't you wish we could 'save as draft'

Second, as far as the self awareness part, and understanding more about my needs and defenses, and my independence, etc., which at this point in my journey is most important, I continue to explore that for myself and for my next R (with W or someone else, and with my kids, friends and other family) with my C in IC. I am learning what my needs are, and what my reactions were to not having my needs met, and how that affected me and my Rs with others. It is an AFGE (Another F*cking Growth Experience), and it is awesome.

Mostly this is what I meant. Often the steepest climb is between knowledge and action. Knowing you have these needs, that your natural instinct is to sweep them under the rug, what behaviour changes are you instituting for yourself that would mean you pause and acknowledge the need ? And then the harder bit, how are you, possibly through positive reinforcement of those around you, making it easier for them to meet these needs? You know, stuff we do well here on the board, the way we support each other etc - honestly, I think if most of us communicate half as well in the real world, life would be a huge success I like AFGE btw. I've been on that same prescription course too...

Third, I am doing some initial, preliminary thinking about what W and I will have to try to work on to make sure my needs are met in the event of a reconciliation. I fully understand that if we try to work on our M, we both have needs that were unmet before that need to be met this time.

I think this is along the lines of something I posted to SD yesterday. Lately I've noticed that my perspective is very different when I think of what I need from a life partner, versus when I frame my needs specifically with respect to NG. The latter is a valid short term, almost stop-gap measure. When I think of my ideal partner, then there are some facets that NG is going to need to develop, and he gets that only when I can do a bit of positive reinforcement. It works, just takes a lot of effort and yeah, patience

A terrific post by Michele Woodward this weekend at
Risky Business

Remember, risk is about enlarging your comfort zone so you can grow and become fuller and more happy. Risk is not about hurting yourself or others. Taking a little risk every day is a discipline that pays off when you look at your life and realize, hey, there's nothing holding me back.

Therein lies the rub - we have to risk a little, and yes, apply discipline (this is a reminder to myself as well )

And before I forget again, yes, Slowly was a deliberate choice because impatience was my biggest hurdle. It took a long time to settle into a new pace, and I have to say, it has been worth the effort.

Slowly

[Nomopo]

Often the steepest climb is between knowledge and action. Knowing you have these needs, that your natural instinct is to sweep them under the rug, what behaviour changes are you instituting for yourself that would mean you pause and acknowledge the need ? And then the harder bit, how are you, possibly through positive reinforcement of those around you, making it easier for them to meet these needs?

This is good stuff. This is the process I am working through presently. Thanks.

Third, I am doing some initial, preliminary thinking about what W and I will have to try to work on to make sure my needs are met in the event of a reconciliation. I fully understand that if we try to work on our M, we both have needs that were unmet before that need to be met this time.

I think this is along the lines of something I posted to SD yesterday. Lately I've noticed that my perspective is very different when I think of what I need from a life partner, versus when I frame my needs specifically with respect to NG. The latter is a valid short term, almost stop-gap measure. When I think of my ideal partner, then there are some facets that NG is going to need to develop, and he gets that only when I can do a bit of positive reinforcement. It works, just takes a lot of effort and yeah, patience [/quote]

Yeah. It's sobering. I don't think my W is as nurturing as I ince thought or assumed. And I guess someone can become more nurturing, but that seems like a large mountain to climb.

Therein lies the rub - we have to risk a little, and yes, apply discipline (this is a reminder to myself as well

Good stuff.

It took a long time to settle into a new pace, and I have to say, it has been worth the effort.

That is inspiring because some days I think I should throw in the towel and move on.

Nomo

[L21959]

Hey NBB (nomobabybabe!)

i'm finding this exchange between you and slowly really great... I think it's so important to think about this concept of building a new, better relationship with WAS, given the opportunity.

I don't think my W is as nurturing as I ince thought or assumed. And I guess someone can become more nurturing, but that seems like a large mountain to climb.

And, in reality, W may never climb all the way to the top of that mountain, like you would ideally desire. But if she's aware, and working on climbing it to join you...then that would be a real change, huh?

Originally Posted By: slowly
It took a long time to settle into a new pace, and I have to say, it has been worth the effort.


That is inspiring because some days I think I should throw in the towel and move on.

As you well know, this is a marathon, not a sprint... and of course, for you and me and many of us, children change and magnify the stakes in this endeavor. Sitting around last night with H and Ss, looking at S17s slideshow from his month in China, brought that into clear focus for me last night.

L

[SuperDad]

Slowly and Nomo,
I also appreciate this dialog. Nomo and I have many common issues with our W's and our behavior patterns, so this is helping me to think about how I need to change.
Thanks,
SD

[SunnySeason]

Evening Nomo,

While I sit "on pins & needles" awaiting GD's post "talk" post, I saw this from Sandi2 on another thread.

Since we touched on this same subject today in our session
I thought I'd pass it on over here;

I do want to say that "self-confidence" is very sexy. The first thing the OM, in my life, said that really "drew" me to him was that he knew how to get things done! All he had to do was make some calls, pull a couple of strings, and it was done. Man! That was "power" to me! Now, maybe it was the truth and maybe it wasn't, but that's not the point here. It turned me on...b/c my H was not like that. I never saw that kind of power or strength in him. It excited me that a man in OM position could find me sexy and desirable...and he was even younger than me. You see, he wasn't even that physically attractive, but he didn't have to be. It was the strength that I first saw. He had hinted around about having a good paying job, and then just come out and told me as much...but I still wasn't impressed. Nope...it was when he told me that other stuff.

The way I try to think about it now....b/c I'm still working on my M (I'm not fixed yet), is that if my H was in the postion of the OM, he would be powerful also. Maybe I'm not stating that very well....I mean it in a positive way...not comparing my H to OM (even if it sounds as though I am). If my H had a lot of money, I would probably be excited about that also. In other words, I fell in love with my H, but it was those "other things" that excited me about the OM...not love. I don't think I'm saying this well at all and I know that probably turns the stomachs of you men, but, it's the truth and I'm being honest as I know how. I think some of it goes back to how we women were raised as little girls. In my case, the men were suppose to take care of us helpless females....(that was a long time ago). So, it does affect my thinking toward men.

The OM in my life....well he wasn't the right moral type of guy either or he would not have chosen to have an affair with a married woman. But, as frank-D said, that isn't your real problem. Try to get your eyes off of OM...as hard as that is. Look at the real problem.

Strength & confidence is a "turn on" for most people. Allowing them the space & freedom they want is another. The all time best, is really letting them go & risking that they might not want to return to you.

Not really a risk though, since they're essentially already gone & not doing so will keep them that way, no?

Sunny

Better get over to Still's thread b/f she thinks I don't care as much for her, which I do o/c, just giving her a break

[bar]

Well Nomopo, you are a Hercules among men and Volume 1 of your journal is riveting. Don't stop. Where do you get your strength from? and your patience? I am sure good things are going to happen to you whatever the outcome of your situation. Keep posting!

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