CVA - Angels vs. Devils

[Nomopo]

CVA - a few things are weighing on my mind. At the risk of making you mad (or maybe hurting your feelings), I am going to tell you how I see it.

First, you are carrying around a lot of anger. Your post yesterday morning at 10:28 pm shows it. And I am glad you vented here too, but it comes through. Your C commented on it, and you have had it come to the top before (Saturday night and maybe before). Now, that's nothing to be ashamed of. We have all felt or feel angry at times. We have legitimate things to be angry about. But I think you need to spend some serious time focusing on this issue for you. Right now, you need to spend less of your time worrying about W and saving your M and taking a good, hard, long look at yourself (1) really getting to know this part of you and coming to grips with how angry you may be and (2) deciding if that is the person you want to be. You had a big "ah ha" moment the other day when you found the self help book from your previous separation that talked about controlling your temper. I think you need to go beyond it to find out why you are so angry, and resolve the underlying issues. I think those issues also contribute to your intensity. You have a wonderful C who can help you with this, but it is not a quick fix or easy process. Commit yourself to taking the required time to really address it. And use the W's need for time and space to really focus on yourself. Is it possible that this underlying anger is why W is thinking about walking away? Is it possible this is why you are not connected to her family. They may have their issues too. They may have contributed to the distance between you. But this isn't about blame and this isn't about them because you can't control them. This is about taking a good honest look at CVA.

Second, I don't see your W going to church with them as lying. When she travels up there, she is their guest. She may feel compelled to follow their program. And/or she may not feel comfortable telling them no. She doesn't have to follow your program, and she can tell you know. If here going to church with them, but not with you, bothers you, try to see it from her perspective, not just yours. It may also have to do with her feeling controlled by you. She doesn't have to do anything with you. Period. Accept it.

Third, I won't to disagree a little on the finances. The idea that you are supporting two houses on your own is flawed IMO. I hear that a lot around here, but the simple truth is that you live in a community property state, and everything you earn is half hers. And at some point you two made a decision or reached a point where you had a job and she took care of the house and kids. So I think it is downright flawed and dangerous to look at it as if you are the sole breadwinner. It is a division of labor all around; a joint effort. Similarly, to suggest that since she doesn't pay the bills she has no right to see them is just wrong. (Sorry, WAW1978.) Again, she is an equal partner is this household financial venture. She as entitled as you are to know the full financial picture.

I hope it helps. That's the only reason I wrote it.
Nomo