CVA - Angels vs. Devils

[Not Much Left]

what part of Texas are you in?

['chele]

CVA, I'm sorry I missed your post (rant) earlier but was, um, busy this wkend w/, um, guests from, uh, out of state & we went, er, dancin'. You should have joined us.

ALL WOMAN READING THIS, PLEASE HELP? I think that if I had some thought that my personal life might be OK after a D, I could detach more.

Are you friggin' crazy?! Of COURSE you will be ok. You will be so much MORE than ok, - and not b/c of whatever it is that you consider your HAVE or HAVE TO OFFER a woman, but b/c you have had all this damm time DBing yourself into a Happier (well, in general, yes?), Healthier & Abso-f'ing-lutely Better Person!! If I didn't have my own [WA]H at the moment . . .

Chin up yourself. Get some sleep.

[Iamworththetime]

what part of Texas are you in?

Victoria

[Heimlich]

CVA,

No harm in ranting. Actually, sounds like you really hit the nail on the head for something that's been bothering your -- lying. So, a success on two counts. Got it off your chest and identified an issue your W is going to have to address when she realizes how big of a mistake she's made.

BD

[Not Much Left]

H - thanks, if you rant long enough, something comes to light!
I - how close is Victoria to Houston?
Chele - that was a nice thing to say, my mistake for not going.

[Handful of Rain]

CVA, I felt/feel your pain every day, Sorry you are/were in such a dark place, You did the right thing, ranting here, instead of confronting your W, I know that you know this.

It is so hard for us, they just don't realize what they are putting us through, I am in your shoes, to this day, I have never gotten an I'm sorry, for anything. and God knows if I ever will. But even if they did say it, could we really believe it? Words are useless, without actions. And the only thing that can bring back trust, once it is broken, is actions, that is how a person should be measured. And when it comes to a WAS, since their head is totally messed up, you can only believe half of their actions. So till they can get it totally together, you only get half the real story.

I did notice, that you said that your W, went to church, no matter if she didn't go with you, this is a good thing, God can lay His hands on her heart, and convict her, there, as well as He could there with you. All she has to do, is be open to Him, and listen. Believe me, as I go down this journey, I have realized that a M, without God is doomed to fail, God created M, and blesses everyone, but when one person believes and the other doesn't then God does understand. I don't know your W, faith, or if she has any, but speaking for mine, she grew up in the church, but on numerous times, told me that she never really understood God, so I tried to convince her to find Him, and then when all else failed I prayed for her, I am still praying for her to find Him. He is the only one who can fix what is broken. It sounds like to me, yours and my W, ought to get together, and go to church, together, let them feel the shame for what they have done, but let God be the one, to convict, not us.

Bet you didn't see that one, coming from me, LOL! In recent hard times I have managed to find my faith, it gets me through this, and it is the reason, things have turned around for me and the sitch. No matter what, I know that I will be OK, I have God, W has to make the journey on her own, right now, she thinks she has the OM (well that's a hoot, I'll take God over that any day) but who knows what God has in store for her. The only advice I can really offer you is pray for her to listen to God, and do the same yourself, Now you don't have to be a religious nut, or a bible thumper, you just have to believe, that is all, God asks nothing more of us. I will pray for you and your W, Take care

[waw1978]

Okay CVA...Hopefully your head will fit out the door when I am finished.

You have a lot going for you! Attracting a woman will not be hard. 40 is the new 30. You are working out, getting in good shape, new clothes...you are only as old as you feel. From the sounds of it, you are a DILF...I am sure there are many, kittens, cougars and MILF's out there that will be looking your way if you were to become available! You will be surprised the amount of adults that are single and looking for companions. Its very common.

Don't worry about being single. You will meet women...lots of them. As long as you are upfront about what you are looking for things will fall into place. If you just want a casual dating relationship, then the rest of the garbage probably won’t come in to play. Her kids, your kids, ex’s…none of it will matter if you are just meeting for dates and getting to know one another. Don’t jump into anything, make your intentions clear and have fun. I think you have to go into this dating thing with a casual attitude. Not looking for another wife, just an adult companion to have some fun with. You will know if you think things are getting more serious and if you are ready for that you will assess the baggage (kids, no kids, ex's, age difference) and decide if you want to take that on. If not be upfront and move on. Don't be intimidated by the what if's...Chances are you will be happily married to your W but in the event that you do D. Life is not over.

Just to give you a little more hope...my 53 year old Dad...fresh off D no2 from wife of 20 years...is a hot commodity in the 35-50 community. He has to fight them off with a stick. He sort of did what we recommend here...GAL, new clothes...shaved his head bald (there wasn't much left otherwise)...got that Bruce Willis thing going now. He has no trouble finding a date. Nor will you!

Anyway, enough of this post D talk...I have great faith that Mrs. CVA will come around and you will not need to worry

[waw1978]

Glad you vented this all out here and not to W. You are justified in feeling the way you do. I cannot imagine what its like to be “taken care of” by another person. That’s just not me. I don’t think WAW’s who H’s work their tails off to provide for her and the family know just how good they have it. She should not be lying about spending. Period. Married or separated its wrong. I can see how tough it can be for you being called to carpet for your faults but because you are DB’ing and trying to mend fences you have a hard time confronting her about her spending without serious backslide.

You have your own apt that you are footing the bill for correct? I would have all your mail sent to your new place…Since W doesn’t pay the bills why should she be looking at them? You are supporting two households on your own. If you two D, she will need to become sufficient managing her own affairs. I know it sounds punitive but in all reality these WAW’s that I hear about on this site need a real kick in the a$$ when it comes to finances. There isn’t a money tree in the backyard that CVA magically does and harvests from every week…

You can’t always be the one giving in and changing, it will make you resentful. You will need to tactfully have a conversation about her spending if it’s a problem. If you are getting behind and she is still spending like it’s a shopping spree…nip it in the bud before you are so resentful that you just boil over.

[Nomopo]

CVA - a few things are weighing on my mind. At the risk of making you mad (or maybe hurting your feelings), I am going to tell you how I see it.

First, you are carrying around a lot of anger. Your post yesterday morning at 10:28 pm shows it. And I am glad you vented here too, but it comes through. Your C commented on it, and you have had it come to the top before (Saturday night and maybe before). Now, that's nothing to be ashamed of. We have all felt or feel angry at times. We have legitimate things to be angry about. But I think you need to spend some serious time focusing on this issue for you. Right now, you need to spend less of your time worrying about W and saving your M and taking a good, hard, long look at yourself (1) really getting to know this part of you and coming to grips with how angry you may be and (2) deciding if that is the person you want to be. You had a big "ah ha" moment the other day when you found the self help book from your previous separation that talked about controlling your temper. I think you need to go beyond it to find out why you are so angry, and resolve the underlying issues. I think those issues also contribute to your intensity. You have a wonderful C who can help you with this, but it is not a quick fix or easy process. Commit yourself to taking the required time to really address it. And use the W's need for time and space to really focus on yourself. Is it possible that this underlying anger is why W is thinking about walking away? Is it possible this is why you are not connected to her family. They may have their issues too. They may have contributed to the distance between you. But this isn't about blame and this isn't about them because you can't control them. This is about taking a good honest look at CVA.

Second, I don't see your W going to church with them as lying. When she travels up there, she is their guest. She may feel compelled to follow their program. And/or she may not feel comfortable telling them no. She doesn't have to follow your program, and she can tell you know. If here going to church with them, but not with you, bothers you, try to see it from her perspective, not just yours. It may also have to do with her feeling controlled by you. She doesn't have to do anything with you. Period. Accept it.

Third, I won't to disagree a little on the finances. The idea that you are supporting two houses on your own is flawed IMO. I hear that a lot around here, but the simple truth is that you live in a community property state, and everything you earn is half hers. And at some point you two made a decision or reached a point where you had a job and she took care of the house and kids. So I think it is downright flawed and dangerous to look at it as if you are the sole breadwinner. It is a division of labor all around; a joint effort. Similarly, to suggest that since she doesn't pay the bills she has no right to see them is just wrong. (Sorry, WAW1978.) Again, she is an equal partner is this household financial venture. She as entitled as you are to know the full financial picture.

I hope it helps. That's the only reason I wrote it.
Nomo

[Not Much Left]

Nomo

You are right. I have issues and need to deal with them or I will never be in a place that is healthy for me, our M if it survives, my kids or any future R.

Time to get to work. Thought I was getting there, but yesterday was a wake up call to me as I ranted about everything under the sun. My mistake has been, "oh, if I just get this out here or in counseling, I am dealing with it" when really all I am doing is bitching and complaining about old issues that still bother me. Unresolved issues will kill my R with everyone.

Thanks again.
C