I wanted to share one of my solutions that might help you...Might make you feel worse too, so trust your gut.
Instead of writing traditional journal entries, I write letters to my W. In the beginning, I wrote every day and I wrote a lot. 50 pages in two weeks. I've nearly stopped now...Nothing left to write. But here's the key: DON'T DELIVER THEM! They are for you. There are lots of ways this can be good. For me, it gave me a chance to say everything I wanted to say to my W. I always had it in the back of my mind that I could deliver them. And I did deliver the first few, but then I stopped. Even though I stopped delivering them, I kept writing. It became a wonderful way to "purge" my feelings. Not only that, but if you are very descriptive when you write, you can look back at the good days and find the thing that you were doing to make them good. It's a good way to learn your triggers. If I think of anything new, I still write my W. She doesn't see them, but when I'm done writing, I feel like I've gotten things off my chest.
Another idea is to go through past "letters" every few weeks when you're in a good mood. Highlight anything that you really feel that you could say to your W without hurting your DB efforts. You will find that there are very few, and that's okay. Use those to write a new letter. ONLY include things that cannot backfire. Then, if you come to a point where you absolutely MUST share something with her, share the one that you know is 100% safe. If it's not 100% safe, do NOT deliver it.
Details about exciting things you've done (i.e. attended an exciting sporting event = Good.
Pretty much anything about the R (i.e. miss you, love you, miserable without you) = Bad.
If you do this, do it for you. Write as much as you want and "say" as much as you want to your W. Just don't let her "hear" you.
It has helped me to feel better on those days when I just need to talk to her. And I've used it as a tool to look for small successes. And ultimately, it wears out my brain. If I devote some time to writing my feelings, then I get them out of my head and make room for something else.
If you try it once and you feel worse, don't do it again! It should make you feel better. If not, don't force it. I suggest it for you because you share so many thoughts here, I think you feel better when you expel your thoughts from your mind/mouth/fingertips.
