Plank/WAW, thread 2

[Heimlich]

Delia,

Thanks. I shudder at the combined ire of the Orlando crew, though you did a pretty good job on me, which I am grateful for.

Oh...Heimlich...you are a chatty one...

Going to tatto 'shut up' on my knuckles.

I think that she's saying she dislikes you to shut you up.

Never thought of that. You might could be right.

a will to dominate through your words.

There's an element of truth here. Less today than a few months ago, but still there. I know that I can't talk my way into a good relationship, but was trying to talk my way into being able to act my way into a good R; if that makes any sense. Not too smart on my part.

a kind of attack on her supposedly feebler intellect.

In no way do I consider her inferior to me. I may have given that impression, but it's simply not true. However, she has felt intellectually inferior to me from the beginning of our R. She finally managed to point out a pattern of interaction to me that made her feel that way. I was truly dumbfounded that I had made her feel that way. She's a sharp chick. That was part of the initial attraction. In many, many ways, she's a hell of a lot smarter than I am. My dumbing down comment is that I used to be pretty intellectually curious and I liked to make reference to things I know in jokes and whatnot. Never was a conscious effort to "look smart", just how I spoke. Over the years, a lot of those comments would go over her head, so I stopped making them and also stopped reading widely. I also generally think fairly quickly. I'll make a connection and spout something off. She's more methodical. Neither is better or worse, but she's never felt that she could keep up verbally with me. Which is simply not true.

I would not underestimate her, either in the quality of her intelligence, or in her emotional depth. And I would not kid yourself that she is not worth fighting for because she is "unintellectual."

She's always underestimated herself. It's so damn frustrating, she's finally come into her own (partly with support from me over the years, I haven't always been a bad H and even when I was a 'bad' H, there was a lot of good in there too) and now doesn't want anything to do with me. All I ever wanted was for her to be as independent, resourceful and confident as she is now (she was very insecure when we first met) and now that she is, she's done it all on her own and I'm not worth being with.

She has tremendous depths of emotion, but stopped sharing that with me. And I her. I found some early letters from the beginning of our R and many of these current problems are echoed there. She just clams up when something is bothering her. For years, I would patiently pry it out of her. After we had kids, I just got tired of doing it. She clammed. I did too. Here I am. Had I been chattier earlier, all might be good.

Only--the fighting you need to be doing right now is in conquering your own impatience and (perhaps?) sense of desperation and futility.

Yes to all three. I understand it in my head and even feel it emotionally. Still . . . I keep shooting myself in the foot.

But she seems to have surprised you before, and may do so again.

I hope so, but I need to shut the hell up and start REALLY DBing.

If you have been a supportive father, as you seem to be, then single motherhood may surprise her very much. I just wouldn't converse on the subject!

I can honestly say that I did the bulk of the childcare when our girls were young -- feeding, baths, diapers, playing. I did the "Mother" stuff. In councelling, she dismissed this by saying, 'Yeah, you played with the kids." She's a good mom, but I was more comfortable with them when they were younger. Now that they're older and more mobile, she's much more involved with them. She's been saying for months now that "They get along better when they're with one or the other of us." Not really true, but an indication of where her head is regarding the impact of a D on our children, which I think is total horse pucky. I have only mentioned trying for our kids once, saying that we owed it to them to try everything we could (Which I do believe) and immediately said that I do not believe that we should stay together for them.

Can you do me a favor and post "SHUT UP" every day here? Only half kidding.

Thanks for calling my on my BS.

BD