back to square -1 or -10000

[cat03]

hijack away ACJ, i always get a kick of knowing others benefit from posters on my thread

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No matter how perfect I thought I was, H was incapable of loving me as long as he felt a failure as a husband/father... I responded by doing and changing more. I lost myself..He saw a woman who believed she had to earn his love..
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OK sheila, that was just scary, you described my sitch to the dot, I tried soooo had to "earn" what should only be given freely and truly from the heart. He's always felt at odds with the kids, doesnt' help that they prefer me openly and strongly.

Lin, I have put my peace on the table, he knows its there, he knows I love him and that would be there for him, I was the one who found the ADHD councelor and made the C session for tomorrow, so that's my part, the rest I leave it to the Lord, and i swear to you, the moment I told God "here, take this burden from me, guide my H and give me peace" my uneasiness was gone, I don't feel sick nor aprehensive anymore, God is great, who else would give me such peace SO quick?

Thanks for your support Delia, you are a sweety (and on my prayers as right now
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My DB'ing efforts were always undermined by my irritation (OK, fury) at being continually tricked and cheated on.
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I don't blame you hon. One thing I want to share that i learned is that my H told me how I reminded him and kept OW's memory fresh with my digging into the past /found something that *I* thought was ow related, that that didnt' help at ALL.

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When I didn't want him, he wanted me. And I was at my most insulting. When I wanted him, he didn't want me--
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THere have been many changes to my H's demeanor since the sh*t hit the fan. After talking to a good friend, who reinforced what i read here, i sent him a txt msg saying that I recogniced I was always trying to fix him, us, and that i should'nt have done that, that I was to stop forcing my decisions on him, and you know what? he actually told me that he was tired of being alone (all 2 days of sleeping elsewhere away from kids and me) that he screwed up, and today he asked if I could meet him to talk (we ended up talking on the phone). He did agree that coming back for that reason alone--sort of like when he first came back, wasn't a good reason, that we'd talk during C.

So we went from him not even being sure we could imagen getting back, to talking as if we were already on the way there.
I am being very, but VERY cautious --painfully I envisioned my life as a single mother, and eventually I made my peace with it and decided that no matter what, God would lead me and keep me safe. And it set me free, again... I am not jumping for joy now, no, not until i see him well on his way to finding himself will I totally believe we have a chance.

I m still debating about the living arraignments, if we could afford it he'd be elsewhere now (he brought it up). After what I've learned I do not want him in my bed anytime soon, i dont' want him to touch me until true affection comes from a healed soul. No more waiting for crumbs to fall off the table.
To be totally honest, i didnt' like myself that much, since he wasn't so attracted to me and our sex life was poor, I kept comparing myself to others, wishing I had more here less there.
Heck, no more of that either, I am what I am, I'm no supermodel but I'm no quasimodo either, I look good and heck, I will feel good, this is my body and is whole and healthy and i'm thankful for it.

I told him he could decide whatever he wanted about the trips, that i wasn't going to fight it. He went from defending the reasons, that his overtime would pay for it (had a hard time having understand that overtime doesn't mean it is mad money) to actually telling he'll cancel the 4day trip to NJ (the one with his friends which I believed was a job trip) I'm pleasantly surprised, though i will believe it when I see it, he does that sometimes, change his mind. He didn't understand why was it so bad to go to the beach and NY right after this mess.

He is coming around on his own, I'm not going to beat sense into him, he will find it on his own, and last I heard from him he admited he's messed up, that's step 1.