HBT I know how that is, the day the bomb was dropped on me I had come home in time so we could all go to Sun night mass. The kids and I still go Sunday nights to mass, they just keep it in their plans. The kids will be strong for you while you try and work this out. They are always positive for me as well.
Some times I wonder how a woman that was so close to her daughters can just walk out. She left Thur am and has not called either one and will be away from "home" until a week from Monday. Maybe this time alone will give her the chance to think things through. I am still not sure if she is in MLC or just a WAW.
Be careful this afternoon, it will be hard and you need to stand tall, "act as if" you will be ok.
"Worry is the price you pay for most of the things in life that never happen"
HBT, How did this afternoon go with H's visit? Amazing that he left yesterday and already wants to stop by today. Tread lightly...he may be experiencing uncertainty too...remember to have absolutely no expectations and act as if. You do sound stronger...I remember the first night my H was not home...I cried and cried but as time went on things got easier. thinking of you
mom, I wish I could say it went great. I didn't know how to act and it seemed as if he was just checking on me to see if I was 'ok' and that put me on the defensive. I don't need a pity party I need my husband. He said maybe this was a bad idea. Well, it got better after awhile, we realxed saying we 'just didn't know how to do this' but it was just very strange. Also he didn't stay long which hurt my feelings. I guess I'm still feeling the sting but he gives me such mixed signals. I catch a glimpse of the old h now and then and I get hope but the current h came out saying I need to go! I don't know what I expected...
Me: 44 H: 47 M: 15 yrs SS: 20 SD: 18 S: 15 D: 11 BOMB: H left 8/4/07
It doesn't sound all that bad...you sound like you handled yourself well. Isn't it amazing that he is a stranger to you now? I remember not wanting H to even see my in my PJ's when he came to pick the kids up. If you have no expectations you will not be disappointed...you are correct, he is sending you mixed signals. If he didn't care why would he check up on you? Give him his space and you take some well deserved space of your own.
Mom, Well, I did the big no no by getting into the 'r talk' right away and h almost left. Thats when he said maybe this was a bad idea. I knew it was the wrong thing to do but it was as if I couldn't stop myself. I just want this craziness to end and I even though I know I can't make it happen, my heart is screaming just that. When does the shock/detachment/calming behaviours start? I'm waiting? I'm ready! Please!
Anyway, I just looked at him, in his eyes for a long moment. h asked 'what are you looking at is my hair messed up or what' and I said "I was just trying to see if (you) were still in there somewhere! The h I know and love". You know, we used to look into each others eyes like no tomorrow. My love, my best friend, where did he go? That is truly how I feel. Its such a empty void.
I'm am so happy he didn't leave right away maybe 1.5 hrs he was here total. We did relax and do some of our old routine and were 'friends'. He said he was glad he came at the end. I so hope he meant it. I'm just not confident in his words anymore.
Me: 44 H: 47 M: 15 yrs SS: 20 SD: 18 S: 15 D: 11 BOMB: H left 8/4/07
In the beginning, it is very hard to stay calm and detach. What got me through was the people on the these boards who told me what to do in order not to make the same mistakes they did. I stopped R talk almost immediately....well about a month after H left. I acted as if around him and always looked nice when he came over and never ever mentioned anything I did with my friends. You have to force it right now, eventually acting as if and detaching will come...you don't feel like that is the best right now. As soon as you internalize it better you will begin to want to do things on your own and look forward to it. Trust me!! Just when I finally became ok with my D...almost 6 months after H left he decided he wanted to come home, He said my changes made him worry that I could go on without him....I no longer need him...I chose to want him. You will get there...I think the more you act mysterious around H the more you will see the distancer/pursuer action happening. Right now you are not giving him anything to miss... Sorry this is rambling...I just understand all too well where you are right now. I am here for support...this coaster takes so much patience, no assumptions and no expectations.
Mom, So where do you stand now, are you both home together. Its so hard to think I'm beginning this nightmare and try to stay positive, to just 'let him' walk all over me and my feelings so to speak. It hurts! SO BAD! I do see results when I act 'as if' so I am learning. What I am VERY worried right now is about his present sitch, it is temporary and it is going to force him to make a more concrete decision to get his own place with a lease or come home. That is my next dreaded reality.
More pressing is our family's annual beach vaca. We leave Sunday! I know, do not (expect) anything, right. Maybe it'd be best if I just let him off the hook ahead of time??? This is crushing me!
Me: 44 H: 47 M: 15 yrs SS: 20 SD: 18 S: 15 D: 11 BOMB: H left 8/4/07
yes, H and I are home together doing very well, we go to marriage counseling once a week. I never could have imagined things would have turned out this way. My H left and literally did not turn back. I thought I was getting a D for sure. As far as the beach Vacation...don't say a word to him about it. If he is not going to go let him tell you...do not put any ideas in his head at all!! Don't worry about his temp living arrangement right now. It is something that you can't control and currently it should not be an issue. Let that go, your mind has enough to worry about, As far as the feeling that you are letting him walk all over you...I remember that well!! I always wanted to yell at him and say "how dare you..." but I bit my tongue over and over again, I vented here and to my friends and family. My H was very rotten to me during our separation and I let him think it didn't phase me at all. Since we have been back together he said it drove him crazy that I seemed so unaffected by him. That is DB at its best!! Keep up the As IF...yes it is hard but if he interacts with you differently then it must work! Hang in there.
Its so hard to remain in the 'as if' mode around him. He says he is confused and acts it too! Was somewhat affectionate today. But, he is definitely getting used to the new sitch we are living and that seems entirely strange and hurtful to me. I know it is to him as well because he keeps apologizing! He again 'stopped by' today to see (us) but only to exit in another abrupt manner. I feel like I'm losing my mind. He had no reason to go; just wanted to...or not to feel the guilt any longer for not wanting to be here??? I feel awful...
Me: 44 H: 47 M: 15 yrs SS: 20 SD: 18 S: 15 D: 11 BOMB: H left 8/4/07
