Need advice on WAW with OM

[Disillussioned]

Svejk,
I'm not sure if I can give you any type of good advice, but I did want to just reach out and let you know that somebody was reading your posts. Sounds like she's been questioning her current position, and the last time you spoke, she came to you right? I haven't been doing this too long yet and I couldn't imagine 5 days without talking. If you still haven't called her, I would hold off on tonight. Too late in the night for any good to come from that conversation. If it were me, I would probably call tomorrow just to say hi. Something along the lines of "We haven't spoken for a few days. Just wanted to let you know that I'm here for you to talk as a friend if you need it." Short and sweet. Let her know that you have lots of plans for the weekend and leave it at that.

I'm not sure if this is contrary to the DBing recommendations, but I think its important to at least let them know you are still out there. Kind of keeping you at least in the back of her mind.

I'm sure others can chime in if I'm dead wrong.

[NDDT]

"For the last few months she has been going out almost every weekend and drinking heavily. This is very uncharacteristic of her as she has never behaved this way before."


You cannot control her dude. Simply That.

Only can control you. Oh I know, I am right in the middle of a poop storm very similiar to yours. I have my bad days too. But the days I feel better are the days I can just let go of the situation and start thinking on what I can do to make my day better.

Hang in there bub, in time, at times it does get a bit easier!

G

[svejk]

Another amazing and interesting development happened tonight.

Even though we decided not to see each other for a month my wife asked if she could come over tonight. She brought me dinner and we had a nice dinner together. She told me about some problems she had been having at work and I just listened.

She then started talking about our relationship. After just 5 days apart she told me she missed me very much and was starting to fall back in love with me. I kept a PMA and I acted completely different then I had on previous occasions and she said she could see that I was strong now.

She went on to tell me everything she missed about me, and even talked about moving back in eventually.

I kept my emotions in check as much as possible since I've been through this roller coaster ride for a few months now, and I've heard the same things before. Only difference is that this time I know how to handle it, and I won't push her to follow through on things she said or constantly question her like I did before.

I'll just wait for her to make the next move, and keep on practicing LRT since it worked so well after just 5 days.

I know you guys will all tell me not to believe anything I hear and only half of what I see. I understand this and I'm not getting my hopes up like I did before.

Before tonight though I had absolutely no hope that LRT would have any effect on my wife at this point, but know I see it really does work.

And thanks again to all the people that responded to my posts. You've kept me from making several mistakes in the last few days that would have probably ended my relationship or at least prolonged the agony even more.

Svejk

[Heimlich]

Well, that's pretty awesome. While, yes, you should keep your expectations in check, that sounds like a pretty good positive development. Enjoy and keep doing what you're doing.

And don't send that letter.

BD

[sandi2]

Hi, I haven't introduced myself, but I have been reading some of your stitch....but had to stop right here...maybe I should go farther to see if you did send that letter, but I hope you didn't. I am "Almost a Walked Away Wife" and please don't send the letter. Your expressions of the OM will make her furious and she will go for the D if nothing more than to spite you out of her anger. You probably don't see it, but through her "fog" she will read your letter to say that she does not make good choices and that if the OM was a professional like the two or you....it would be fine. She will see it as though you are downing her "taste" in men and that she could pick a much better type, etc., etc.

Do you understand what I'm trying to point out? You MEAN to say that she is so valuable with high standards, education, and class...that is surprised you that she choose a bartender. But, it will not be read by her like that at all. And, like I said, she will also be mad b/c you sound as though you are giving her permission to have an affair, or to D you.....as long as the guy is in the right category.

I talk a little blunt sometimes and don't mean for it to come out the way you may read it, but I just froze when I read your post and was thinking....no, no....don't do that...it will ruin everything.

Have you figured out why she was at your house the night you came home and found her upset? I thought I knew as soon as I read about it.....but I have to admit that I have read so many threads that I may get the stitch mixed up with someone else's. My immediate thought was that she had OM and at that point I did not remember reading that she did. However, my thought was that she was hurt by something to do with the OM and ran to you to pet her bruised ego. She knew that good ole H would be more than glad to "hold" her through the night. (There I go being blunt again.) But, doesn't it make sense to you that the very next morning when she was grumpy....it was b/c she was mad at herself and was thinking..."What was I thinking by coming here.....now he (you) will think that this is a sign that I (wife) am ready to come back to him (you)!" That is why she had to act rude the next morning. She had to stop you from getting your hopes up b/c that would mean pressure on her.

This may be a shot in the dark here, but I can't help but think that she is a "romance" addict. Men understand what "sex addiction" is, but women have "romance addiction". That is why an EA is so easy to fall into for them. IMHO, that is why she says that it won't work for the two of you, and that she just wants OP and another R....that is "new" where there is no history.

The thing that caught my attention was that when the R with OM doesn't work out and the "new" has worn off with him, then the W has to find a new OM to get her "fix". And that it is just as addicting as a drug and that each new R will need more than the last to fullfill her emotional needs and for her to feel the "thrill" again.

I realize now that it was not "sex" addiction for me, but it is "romance" addiction. I had EA with OM on line. He fed my starved ego, etc. and it was quickly leading up to a PA. If I had not found this web site and spent endless hours reading books (and not the romantic ones), I hate to think where my life would be right now. I feel like I have had a "crash study" and I'm still studying. I'm not through the course yet.

I will talk to you more, but for now....just don't sent that letter.

Sandi2

[svejk]

Hi Sandi2,

Thanks for your input. I think you may be right about the romance addiction. My wife has even mentioned a couple of times that she wants someone just like me except "new". I don't know if this is part of it but she also craves the attention she gets from guys chasing her.

Unfortunately I think most of this is my fault because I wasn't exactly the most romantic husband. She complained sometimes about the lack of romance and attention, and maybe I got a little too comfortable and didn't think I had to romance her as much as she wanted. I used to even say stupid things like "you have unrealistic expectations of a relationship" and "you want to live in a fantasy world."

She always mentions to me that she wants to be treated like a princess and a flower. I know this sounds kind of conceited on her part, but she doesn't mean it that way. She just wants to be treated like a lady and this is her way of communicating it.

I'm not sure what to do about it now, because when I try being romantic/attentive now it is perceived by her as smothering and too pushy.

The only plan I have now is too keep up the LRT and hope that she realizes that once the newness of a relationship wears off there is nothing left with the OM.

I've tried explaining to her that I understand that my shortcomings in the romance department and my lack of complimenting her are a problem, and that I have changed and will always treat her like I should have before. And I really mean it, because I would do anything to never lose her again. But of course talk is cheap at this point.

I completely understand your point about not always being there for her whenever she needs a shoulder to cry on, but it's impossible to say no to her when she is crying. I would rather cut off my arm then tell her I can't be there for her when she's hurting.

By the way, I never sent the letter, and never will, thanks to everyone's advice here.

I don't know if there's anything else I can do at this point to make her see that I can give her the romance and attention that she craves. If you have any ideas about this, please let me know.

Thanks,
Svejk

[svejk]

Well, the roller coaster ride continues. My wife came over on Friday night and told my how much she missed everything about me and was falling back in love with me, and even said she wanted to eventually move back home.

The next night I gave her a call to see how she was doing and she wouldn't even talk to me. I asked her what was wrong and she ended up hanging up on me and turning off her cell phone.

I couldn't help driving by her place at 4am since I couldn't sleep, and of course her car wasn't there. I'm sure she was with the OM again.

I don't understand the back and forth extremes. Everytime I think we are getting somewhere she totally changes her attitude.

This is so frustrating and heartbreaking that I just can't see an end to it. Is this extreme back and forth behavior normal among WAW's with OM and does it ever get better?

Svejk

[sandi2]

Well, you sure are being taken on a bumpy ride. I understand how you must feel seeing her crying and not wanting her to hurt...that is the love you have for her. I only meant that she knew you well enough to know she could depend on that tenderness you have for her to get her through a rough night. I don't remember you saying what your ages are and sometimes the maturity..or lack of it...makes a difference in these matters of the heart. I have two thoughts about her "up and down" actions. First, as a WAW she is in a "fog" and it is bad. It affects all logical thinking on her part. She is finding that making a decision is very difficult. I went through that when I was just trying to make up my mind "which" man to choose or if I was going to stay or leave. I thought I would go nuts. I would start out the day by thinking, "Ok, I'm going to stay with my husband!" and by night, I would be so ready to walk away from him it is scary. So, I feel like she is going through that. The second thing, I feel like some of these actions are based on whatever is going on between your W and the OM. It OM has made her feel insecure then she turns to the one that is secure....you. Or, if OM has hurt her feelings, she turns to the one she knows still wants her...you.

(/quote:This is so frustrating and heartbreaking that I just can't see an end to it. Is this extreme back and forth behavior normal among WAW's with OM and does it ever get better?)

Yes,to answer both questions, I think it is. I was probably the last person in my town that people would have ever dreamed of getting involved emotionally or any other way with OM. I can only guess how it must have affected my children! I saw a side of my H that I never knew could be there...but he had every right! So, it takes its turn of both sides and everyone it touches. The good news is that it can get better and hopefully it will get better (at least, it is possible). How long it will take depends on the people and their circumstances. The lack of finances is the one main thing that stopped me from completely walking out of the door. I knew I couldn't make it on my own and my H sure wasn't going to support my lifestyle he was fighting against! That is where I think using "tough love" comes in. I also knew that he would not be the one to leave our home. If I wanted out that badly, I would have to be the one to move....on my own...and make it on my own without any help from him.

The erratic behavior is "normal" for WAS due to the guilt, the insecurity, and just not knowing what the heck you really want! The LBS is the one that gets hit in the heart with all the unfairness. I have not been at this near as long as some others. I will try to contact some that were so helpful to me to lend some encouragement to you.

Don't give up. My husband could have thrown me away, but thank God, he didn't. Just reaching that point that I could finally decide what I was going to do....was when the fog made its first little lift, but then I have to work every day on making sure the fog keeps lifting and I don't get lost again.

Talk to any of us as often as you need to. I can promise that it helps so very much!

[svejk]

Hi Sandi2,

I really appreciate your response. It doesn't make the situation any easier but at least I have an idea of why my wife is acting the way she is.

Is there anything in particular that your husband did besides not financially supporting your lifestyle that helped you to change your mind and come back to your husband? Or anything else you can think of that he did in general that helped you make up your mind? Did he practice the LRT?

Any details would help me very much because it sounds like your situation is very similar to my wife's. I'm confused about what to do. I know that not contacting her works, because then she comes back and talks to me every few days but then it always goes back to no contact (and if I contact her she gets very upset about it and usually hangs up on me even if I don't say anything beyond 'Hello, how are you doing'.)

I need to somehow break this pattern, because it has been like this for months w/out any changes. I must be doing something wrong or there must be something else I can try. Anything you can think of is greatly appreciated.

Thanks very much,
Svejk

[sandi2]

Hi back,

I was looking over some forums and I think it may be helpful for you to look in the Advice From Wise DB'ers. There are some posts from WAW.

I just wanted to throw this in also...be very careful about the LRT! That is why it is called that. It is the last thing for you to do. It is just my guess that you are not ready for that yet. Only when your heart can't take another minute of what she dishes out or you feel like you have nothing more to loose or you are ready for it to end...which ever way that may be...is when to use the LRT (if I understand it). In other words, you have reached that place where you are ready to live without her in your life from now on...if she doesn't re-act positively to the LRT.

Look at these different stories under this formum I mentioned and then let me know your thoughts. I was reading one that was posted a long time ago and I read the pain in this WAW and she was really fed up with other people's attitude toward the WAS. Anyway, read some of that and I'll also look around the board. As I've said, I sure no expert on the subject....just been in the boat. Plus, I care and so do a lot of other people here.

Keep hanging on. There were times I didn't think I would make it through the night, but I kept reading and got more material under my belt until I started getting stronger. Let me know what you think about that forum.