Need advice on WAW with OM

[sandi2]

Well, you sure are being taken on a bumpy ride. I understand how you must feel seeing her crying and not wanting her to hurt...that is the love you have for her. I only meant that she knew you well enough to know she could depend on that tenderness you have for her to get her through a rough night. I don't remember you saying what your ages are and sometimes the maturity..or lack of it...makes a difference in these matters of the heart. I have two thoughts about her "up and down" actions. First, as a WAW she is in a "fog" and it is bad. It affects all logical thinking on her part. She is finding that making a decision is very difficult. I went through that when I was just trying to make up my mind "which" man to choose or if I was going to stay or leave. I thought I would go nuts. I would start out the day by thinking, "Ok, I'm going to stay with my husband!" and by night, I would be so ready to walk away from him it is scary. So, I feel like she is going through that. The second thing, I feel like some of these actions are based on whatever is going on between your W and the OM. It OM has made her feel insecure then she turns to the one that is secure....you. Or, if OM has hurt her feelings, she turns to the one she knows still wants her...you.

(/quote:This is so frustrating and heartbreaking that I just can't see an end to it. Is this extreme back and forth behavior normal among WAW's with OM and does it ever get better?)

Yes,to answer both questions, I think it is. I was probably the last person in my town that people would have ever dreamed of getting involved emotionally or any other way with OM. I can only guess how it must have affected my children! I saw a side of my H that I never knew could be there...but he had every right! So, it takes its turn of both sides and everyone it touches. The good news is that it can get better and hopefully it will get better (at least, it is possible). How long it will take depends on the people and their circumstances. The lack of finances is the one main thing that stopped me from completely walking out of the door. I knew I couldn't make it on my own and my H sure wasn't going to support my lifestyle he was fighting against! That is where I think using "tough love" comes in. I also knew that he would not be the one to leave our home. If I wanted out that badly, I would have to be the one to move....on my own...and make it on my own without any help from him.

The erratic behavior is "normal" for WAS due to the guilt, the insecurity, and just not knowing what the heck you really want! The LBS is the one that gets hit in the heart with all the unfairness. I have not been at this near as long as some others. I will try to contact some that were so helpful to me to lend some encouragement to you.

Don't give up. My husband could have thrown me away, but thank God, he didn't. Just reaching that point that I could finally decide what I was going to do....was when the fog made its first little lift, but then I have to work every day on making sure the fog keeps lifting and I don't get lost again.

Talk to any of us as often as you need to. I can promise that it helps so very much!