wow, locked another already! what can I say, I'm chatty. here's a link to the previous thread: there and back
just got the call, grandma is in recovery and my folks have been able to see her. she made it thru the surgery, all looks good so far, just sad she's got such a tough recovery ahead of her.
its a beautiful day here in MA...stunning. the kids and I had a great afternoon, and I have decided to learn something new...scrapbooking. yeah, I know, what's a sahm of 3 little kids doing not ever having scrapbooked before? hey, I've been busy, what can I say. I'm getting together with some girlfriends tomorrow night (GAL!) and we are going to wade in. I'm the only newbie, so hopefully they will help a lot. I just know I spent a bucket of money at ac moore today.
tonight I'm going to work on my goals. mkultra and agent99 have inspired me to reassess. I'm also going to start my fall list...things I love to do in the fall. I did it for summer and it was great, really helped me not let the season slip by because I'm busy sulking/waiting for H to get his head out of his...fog.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
wow, locked another already! what can I say, I'm chatty. here's a link to the previous thread: there and back
just got the call, grandma is in recovery and my folks have been able to see her. she made it thru the surgery, all looks good so far, just sad she's got such a tough recovery ahead of her.
Glad she made it thru surgery okay.
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its a beautiful day here in MA...stunning. the kids and I had a great afternoon, and I have decided to learn something new...scrapbooking. yeah, I know, what's a sahm of 3 little kids doing not ever having scrapbooked before?
That was my first thought.
Quote:
hey, I've been busy, what can I say. I'm getting together with some girlfriends tomorrow night (GAL!) and we are going to wade in. I'm the only newbie, so hopefully they will help a lot. I just know I spent a bucket of money at ac moore today.
You will have a blast. Do not get discouraged if you initially have scrapbookers' block. I made a scrapbook for my mom's 60th last year and the first few pages were SOOO hard. But once I got going, it came pretty easy.
Quote:
tonight I'm going to work on my goals. mkultra and agent99 have inspired me to reassess. I'm also going to start my fall list...things I love to do in the fall. I did it for summer and it was great, really helped me not let the season slip by because I'm busy sulking/waiting for H to get his head out of his...fog.
We will all have to hold each other accountable for this. Maybe post them? (Not on your thread-- don't want it hijacked.) Maybe others would want to join in? (Just thinking out loud..)
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
I buy a scrapbook on each trip to Disney. They tell the best stories! My kids show their books off every Christmas.
I am happy to hear that Grandma had a successful surgery.
MA sounds lovely. We are having great weather here in CA. Let's always be grateful for living in a country where we have freedom to appreciate the simple, glorious miracles of each day. Wow, I sound like a Hallmark Card!
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
well, here's a new thing to be bummed about. last night we had a bit of a cold snap here in MA. all day yesterday in fact, but I was busy with back-to-school stuff, so no time to dwell. went out to my friend's house last night, again, busy and had fun so no time to dwell.
the hard part was once I got home. the house was actually cold...well, cool, at least. I crawled into bed, alone. thankfully I was tired, so didn't think much, but I woke up by 6, freezing. and alone. not about sex (although, that, or the lack thereof, sucks too, of course), but oh, how I miss having him here to snuggle into. fall's coming, not today, but soon, will be here before I know it, and winter will soon follow. I just feel like I was hit with a brick. I love to snuggle under covers with H...love his warmth. love his heat. and its gone. and I lay there for a while this morning just sad...because he's with her. I know he is. I know it. she's snuggled into him, she has his warmth, she has his love, his body, you name it. its hers now. and I'm alone. what was that old song? "sleeping single in a double bed." I can't seem to get it out of my head right now.
Well, damn.
thinking I'm going to have to put the down comforter on early this year.
going to have a good cry/wallow before the kids wake up. their grandmother watched them last night and let them stay up late so hoping I have a little time on my own, so I can ride the wave of patheticness and feel okay again.
honestly, I've been doing okay the last couple of days. H isn't around until next wedn, so although he calls to talk to the kids each day, I don't have to deal with him face to face. that helps. I've been busy/gal and all that, so that has been good. I made a good start on re-assessing my goals, and did my fall list, so feel like I'm chugging along here. just stupid things like this that hit me and remind me of my situation, I guess.
okay, enough wallowing, back to being me again. back to embracing my new life. I suppose I could look on the bright side and remember that there may not be anyone to snuggle with, but there is no one to steal the covers, either, right?
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Haha! Our imaginations are worse than reality! If they are sleeping in someone elses' bed it probably is awkward and on its last leg. Who cares. We could have done the same thing with a coworker or new guy, but we have class and we are Moms and wive=s first. They will always know that and so will our kids when they are grown.
Sometimes I think wallowing is good. It keeps us creative. Ya know, before this tragic sitch I never thought about sex or finishing a script or calling my ex boyfriend or dying my hair. Maybe that is my MLC but damn it I feel more alive now than when I was in a dead marriage with a man who did not show me respect and maybe I did not respect.
Don't get me wrong, I want an intact family, a loving marriage for life, and my soul mate to return healthy, but I also feel like a stronger, better person now. I appreciate things I took for granted before. I know he sees the changes too.
Fall is my favorite time of year. It will be both of our birthdays in Fall. We'll be getting older as his girlfriend stays young and in her stupid early 20's. Yesterday I showed him these expensive papers that swipe the shine from your nose. They look just like toilet seat covers! We both have oily skin. I joked how I need them because my wrinkle cream makes my face look so shiny now. He joked that he had a deep wrinkle and a much shinier face than me. We both had really bad acne as teens but we saw past that as we were so in love. See! We are the same age! Catch a clue. We were supposed to grow old together and joke about our aging bodies together!
I also have a hard time believing my H is with someone old enough to be our love child but Hey, I see soooo many famous celebrities doing that. I used to make fun of Tom Cruise and Eddy Vedder for leaving accomplished peers in their 40's for ditzy women in their 20's. I guess we could do the cliche thing too and marry rich older sugar daddies. That would be so stupid.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
see, I don't think its awkward for them in bed at all...I think its wonderful and cozy and fun. for them, at least. I keep trying to remind myself that no relationship is sunshine and roses 24/7, but I just can't seem to really believe it...I figure eventually they will have issues, but right now, I don't think they do. oh well, out of my hands.
I'm in a weird mood today. just mulling stuff over...not sad, not happy, just deep in thought. we were up in nh at my parent's house all day and usually I can jump on the razor scooter they have there and feel great...I swear doing kid stuff is great therapy sometimes. my son and I trade it off and I usually end up feeling exhilerated, but not today. don't get me wrong, we had fun, but I just can't seem to shake this. so guessing I need to stop trying to snap out of it, do some journaling and work out whatever is on my mind.
mk, you sound sooo strong and together. you really do. and upbeat. I feel like I've been where you are, but am not there right now. I'm back at the stage where I pick myself apart. your point about how you both were supposed to grow old and joke about your bodies aging gave me pause. because its true...it is. at 40, no matter what I weigh or what kind of shape I am in, I will never have the body I had at 20. especially after 3 babies. maybe I am too critical, or maybe its a girl thing, who knows, but I always figured hey, H loves me, loves my body, doesn't matter if it gets old and wrinkly and such. we're supposed to laugh at the changes, but still love each other.
I'm a warts and all kind of lover...truly, it didn't matter when H put on weight with each of my pregnancies (yes, he did, which is funny, guess he wanted to keep me company as I waddled around, lol). I loved it when he lost the weight, but honestly it didn't matter that he hadn't. it didn't matter that some personality traits bugged me, it was the whole package that I loved.
I guess I just thought I had the same in return from him. I guess I saw us as this infallible team, one that loved each other for and in spite of many things. and one that could never be broken. and now, for some reason, all I see is the things I don't like about myself. they scream at me. some I've changed, I wanted to, but other's I can't change. no-one is perfect, I know I won't be...its not possible. but it seems like I feel like every minute flaw has a beacon of light shining down on it, amplified for all to see.
can't wait for this phase to pass. seriously. I want to feel emboldened again. hey, I've never dyed my hair, either! not sure what color I would choose...I'm blonde, always wanted jet black hair, but know it would look horrific with my coloring. so maybe dying my hair isn't the thing to do, but maybe I need to figure out something else.
okay, in spite of this rather dull and depressing post, I did enjoy the toilet paper cover nose thing...I can't even picture it, but it made me smile. I guess I was blessed...had dry-ish, skin, even in high school (yep, the only kid who used moisturizer, not acne stuff). am paying for it now, am getting lines around my eyes that are really bothering me. people still tell me I look a lot younger than my age, but again, beacon of light toward that flaw, it just feels huge.
well, enough rambling. I should be in bed, hoping to get out the door with the kids by 5am or so. ouch. funny, a month ago that wouldn't have made me even blink an eye, but I've started sleeping again.
oooh, before I go, had another thought. you say your H sees the changes in you. I don't think mine does. and I think I figured that out. maybe. someone described H's like mine as walking around in a fog. I love that description, because it really does seem to fit. he's so self-absorbed, self-centered, that he can't see that far in front of him. and when he blows up at me like he did the other day, when I had done nothing, the fog thing even makes more sense. I just envision him in his fog, not liking what he's hearing (for instance, that s5 might benefit from seeing a play therapist), and instead of facing the reason that he doesn't like it...the fact that he is causing it...he strikes out at me, the person who brought it up. its like he's just missed the mark. does that make sense? it does to me. don't know if its right or wrong, but it seems to fit for me.
well, enough rambling. g'night all. will try to stay strong, and figure out what I want out of life.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Oh morgan, I feel your pain!!! I have been so down on myself after finding out H cheated. OW is teeny tiny, perfect body, cute hair, etc. I am in the process of losing weight that I had started for myself (and finding out about the A has done wonders for the weight loss, but not the right way to do it) but I will never be that tiny and tight. I feel so....thrown away...tossed aside. I am struggling with self confidence issues (always have, but like you, I always thought I *had* H, no matter what). SIGH Last night, I was thinking "I am cotton granny panties and she is a silk thong". Its funny, but not really, you know?
Last night H confessed that he is terrified that if he leaves I will start something legal and try to take our money, the house, and the girls from him. I told him I would NEVER mess with the girls happiness, or for that matter that money WE have made TOgether. He said "But I never thought I was the kind of person that would cheat, and look at me". UGH
And PS I miss H's physical body being around me. Not even in a sexual way, just sitting with him, brushing up against him, that kind of thing. I am very empty...and very lonely.
lol, you crack me up about the grannie panties. now that, I would suggest maybe changing, although there are definitely other alternatives than silk thongs. but I understand your mindset. I will admit to practically living in my husbands old t-shirts for a while, only around the house, though. I got a little sloppy. in fact, one of the things on his list (mc had us do a list back in march...each of us wrote what the other needed in order to give the marriage a sincere effort) was for me to go shopping. trust me, I went. I definitely take more pride/effort in my appearance. I mean, when I went out, I wasn't a slob or anything, but at the same time, had probably spent more on the kids clothes than on mine lately. lets just say, that has changed. and I feel better for it.
the bit about your h being terrified about you taking the house/money/kids/etc was just like my h. it was bizarre to me...he was the one who had/is having the affair, but then he kept railing at me not to do x or y or z. they never even occured to me! maybe I'm just too naive, I don't know. after a few weeks of him freaking out that I was going to tell his boss/keep the kids from him/take the money/call or stalk OW, etc, etc, I finally lost it on him. literally, I became a raving lunatic. I did NOTHING to deserve his treatment of me, and I swear his mind went to all this stuff because that's how he thinks....he's a snake, I'm not. simple as that. he just doesn't get it at all. at least your H sounds like he understands that he did something he didn't expect to do.
blech.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
what a great day today! I got up at 5 and was able to get ready/get the kids up and dressed be on the road by 5:30, which put us in saratoga by 8:30. awesome drive...the kids were great, and that early there was no traffic, and thankfully I missed every one of the staties that were along 87 in ny...wow, were they out today. we had breakfast with the horses, just like we used to when we lived there...its been 2 years, so the twins don't remember, or I don't think they do, but my eldest did and he's been begging to go. I didn't tell them what we were doing until we were underway...you would have thought I was a superhero. lol.
I did so good with the kids all on my own! H called to say good morning right when we were pulling in to the track. he was shocked...and possible a little jealous that he wasn't with us. or maybe I'm reading into things. but hey, this was definitely the old me...I love road trips (hell, any kind of trip), impromptu or thought out, doesn't matter. its something that has slipped away since having kids, for the most part. in fact, when the bomb first hit and I thought WE were working to salvage the marriage, the first thing I did (guys, you'll all love me for this) was plan my h's birthday present. (background first, when we first started dating, I didn't know what to get for his b-day in may. he didn't strike me as a "stuff" kind of guy, at least not at that time, so I planned a trip to camden yards...he had always wanted to go, never had. we had the BEST time...2 whole days, and we did more in those 2 days than most people would do in a week. he loved it). when the bomb hit, I decided one of the things I had lost was stuff like this. so I immediately planned a new trip for him. I had always wanted to take him to the old ballparks around the country, so I ended up picking wrigley...even got tix all set for the cubs/white sox game, how cool would that have been? air fare all set. even got his best friend, who lives 7 hours away from us, and his wife, to join us for the weekend. how pathetic is that? that my response to my husband's infidelity was to do something special for him? sick, wasn't it? long story short, it didn't end up happening. save those details for another time.
don't get me wrong, we do travel a little. we do lots of local day trips, we do yearly pilgrimages down to VA/MD to see my sisters, and H and I have done a couple of other trips here and there, and we did wdw last fall, but overall, not a ton. although now that the kids are older, its sooo much better than it was. and so I proved it to be today. and I did it with 3 kids ON MY OWN. woo-hooo!
we did the breakfast with the horses, then went by our old neighborhood, went to our favorite park and had a blast...rode the carousel, watched ducks, climbed trees, ran around, just had a great time. I even took them out to lunch at a real restaurant (had planned to do a picnic, but changed my mind). they were awesome. after a lovely day, we drove home. next time, will plan to stay a few days, but just wanted a quickie trip today.
so it was a great day in many ways...I had a blast, my kids did too, I didn't let H not being with me stop me/hold me back. all that is good. had plenty of mulling time in the car, which I will admit to doing a lot of...but also did plenty of singing/playing car games with the kids.
now I am home and exhausted, but happy and trying to block thoughts of H out of my mind. he didn't call the kids to say goodnight, and I am proud to say I didn't call him. if the kids had asked, I would have, but they didn't, so I didn't. they didn't even seem to think about it.
looking foward to catching up with everyone in the morning!
Last edited by morgan; 08/12/0711:00 PM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Your kids had fun because you were relaxed and enjoying yourself! How wonderful!! I noticed before the bombs dropped, when H was stressed out, family outings were tense. It was a vicious circle, I caught the crankiness from him, the kids caught it from me, and no one had fun. We still do things as family, but as the 'adults', we realized we need to help the girls enjoy things. But the best thing is, I started getting out more with the girls by myself, its very empowering and freeing, isn't it? We can do this if we have to, we just don't want to. SIGH
Glad your day went so well. H didn't call you because he is jealous of your fun day with the kids. I can almost guarantee it.
PS: I have removed what few granny panties I owned, and replaced them with nicer non granny versions. H still does everyone's laundry (we share this chore) so I *know* he has seen them. hee hee
