Corri Sounds like a very 'fused' woman to me. The woman could be fused or she guts an extra buzz when her mate gets a buzz.
Ever go to a great dinner at someone's house and no one complimented the host/hostess and the host/hostess said "Oh well, no one ate the caviar but I know it was good."
I like to have sex for 15 to 30 minuets for regular sessions I can hold back 90% of the time but I would not consider not Oing if I did have the mindset Oing was not necessary for myself or for BB. I consider Oing as a part of sex, for both parties.
When BB decided she didn't want hers anymore, sex wasn't as good, but I sort of got used to the situation because I had to. I think it would be about the same way for women.
I suppose if a person is built so Os don't happen for the guy, I guess that takes a slightly different woman to be OK with that.
So quick poll. Are there any woman on the forum that would be OK with having sex with a man you loved but he only O'ed half the time? I am guessing there are some women who will say yes.
Are there any women that would feel something was off and how would you adjust.
I don't want to pick on BF, but am asking this question partly because some men have a W that can't or won't take the time to be orgasmic.
I can be in a R like that, but would rather have a partner that can have fun/some excitement once in a while, it’s just more exciting that way.
I personally see men and women as more alike than different and want to know how people think in situations like this.
It's more validating if a man conveys "Seeing you in that dress really turns me on." but it's more sexy if a man comprehends "Wearing that dress must really turn you on.". Of course, the communication must go both ways.
Yes! because it displays more empathy on the part of the man, he is putting himself in your shoes - or dress! And feeling how sexy it must make you feel.
If I dress up in lingerie it makes me feel horny, I don't do it to make H feel horny, although I guess he thinks I do it for him. Back when we'd only been married 2 or 3 years I used to do that kind of thing. Walk around in sexy lingerie with only a robe over it, let the robe slip open every now and then. He absolutely hated it. Too much pressure as far as he was concerned. So maybe I was doing it wrong. The thing about my H is he does seem to think EVERYTHING is about him. So in his mind I could only possibly be wearing the lingerie for him and not for myself. That's when he would feel the pressure and it would lower his drive.
Maybe I should start doing it again, but when he complains just say "what makes you think I'm doing this for you?"
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
It's more validating if a man conveys "Seeing you in that dress really turns me on." but it's more sexy if a man comprehends "Wearing that dress must really turn you on.". Of course, the communication must go both ways.
Yes! because it displays more empathy on the part of the man, he is putting himself in your shoes - or dress! And feeling how sexy it must make you feel.
If I dress up in lingerie it makes me feel horny, I don't do it to make H feel horny, although I guess he thinks I do it for him. Back when we'd only been married 2 or 3 years I used to do that kind of thing. Walk around in sexy lingerie with only a robe over it. He absolutely hated it. Too much pressure as far as he was concerned. So maybe I was doing it wrong. The thing about my H is he does seem to think EVERYTHING is about him. So in his mind I could only possibly be wearing the lingerie for him and not for myself. That's when he would feel the pressure and it would lower his drive.
Maybe I should start doing that again, but when he complains just say "what makes you think I'm doing this for you?"
Like Blackfoot said if I feel like a lubricious bar tart (love that word!) be honest about the way I'm feeling, so honest it oozes out of me. What I feel like I want to do is walk around steaming hot and horny to such an extent that H thinks "If I don't jump her someone else will".
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Fran Maybe I should start doing that again, but when he complains just say "what makes you think I'm doing this for you?" I think you should say that.
I think some guys need to see a woman’s sexuality from a perspective of the individual rather than as a couple.
If he could think in a frame of mind of your needs/desires/wishes as a separate individual, rather than as a couple, maybe he would feel less pressure personally and could think less couple oriented and more in a way that there are two people in a sexual relationship, from a 3rd. party perspective.
I know I have my wishes and I consider my W’s wishes as if I was a 3rd party sometimes. It makes it easier do or not do some things and removes some of the frustrations. It also leads to some disconnectedness because of our differences and lowers my expetations.
From my perspective Lou, him not O'ing is not a regular thing at all. The only reason I brought it up was because it clued me in to the idea that maybe we had been doing it more often than he needs lately. If it were a regular thing then maybe I would be concerned about it.
Recently we were ML and I felt kind of disconnected from what was going on for him so I said 'sometimes I feel like I'm just using you to get myself off, that nothing much is happening for you'. He said 'That's OK you can use me to get yourself off, I do that to you sometimes'. So that was good, it made me feel like it was a mutual thing. And I guess maybe it has to work that way in our R if neither of us MB. So maybe sex doesn't always have to be this big emotionally connected thing, maybe sometimes it's just about one or other of you getting your rocks off and the other one being obliging about it.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
So Lou is seeking opinions here about whether the guy not O'ing would be a disappointment to the woman.
My answer: yes it would, but not necessarily that much. One of the good things about being a woman whose guy ain't getting there is that you get to get there multiple times. It's only after about the 7th that you start feeling a bit guilty. LOL
I am seeking opionions on behalf of myself, Kettricken, LFL, Honeypott, Mojo (althoug I think she knows) and many more too numerous to mention on what gets a guy into Pirate/wolf mode. Is it just passage of time and build up of testosterone? Or are there other factors. Of course there will be guys out there who think of themselves as always in wolf mode. But of the ones who don't, what makes you go for it in a way that makes the woman not have much choice. I am not talking rape fantasies here I am talking "we are going to the circus" rather than "would you like to go to the circus?".
Why does this make a woman hot? 1. She can abdicate all responsibility and relax 2. She likes to be with a man that knows what he wants and knows how to get it 3. She likes to feel like the guy is stronger than her 4. Risk/vulnerability. Submitting to him doing whatever he wants with her is very vulnerable and for this reason VERY sexy. It's all about really trusting the guy.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
It USED to bother me if the guy didn't get off, because I thought that was the whole reason why he wanted to have sex to begin with.
Now, it doesn't bother me in the least, because for the first time in my life, I can/have been, absolutely selfish about sex. It really gigs my bf. He's really okay when I 'use' him, but I still feel emotionally/spiritually 'safe' because it is him. I seriously doubt I could do this with someone I don't know all that well.
I am also very direct with him. I don't hedge, I don't say... "well, if you don't want to, that's okay..." I just tell him what I want, and I leave it up to him to decide if he wants to or not. If he does... . If he doesn't and I'm really horny, I go get my toys, take care of myself, and then cuddle with him after. I think that second scenario happened... once.
For him, it removes all pressure to perform... and conversely, it does the same thing for me when I get him off in some way, but am not getting off myself. If I want to get off as well, I make sure he knows it.
I suppose I don't measure successful sex by number of O's anymore... I measure it with how open and honest I am and he is... before, during and after sex. THAT makes for unbelievable sex...
Fran My answer: yes it would, but not necessarily that much. One of the good things about being a woman whose guy ain't getting there is that you get to get there multiple times. Sorry Fran, I forgot about taking longer is a benefit for some women.
I had in mind a guy trying to get off, but not getting there. The gal getting tingly feelings but not necessarily having an O.
It's only after about the 7th that you start feeling a bit guilty. LOL Fran, Fran, 7 O’s. Sorry to say I never have been in a situation like that, but I wish I was. BB has had 1 O at a time, and those took a lot of work.
what gets a guy into Pirate/wolf mode Fifty plus years of hearing women want a gentle man and don’t want to be taken, and now you tell me women want to be taken by a pirate. Boy, did I come to the party too late.
Why does this make a woman hot? 1. She can abdicate all responsibility and relax 2. She likes to be with a man that knows what he wants and knows how to get it 3. She likes to feel like the guy is stronger than her 4. Risk/vulnerability. Submitting to him doing whatever he wants with her is very vulnerable and for this reason VERY sexy. It's all about really trusting the guy. Fran, your list makes sense.
Number 2 is a matter of preference for some women. When you say “He knows how to get it” I see if he gets it in a manner not to her liking, the guy is going to pi$$ her off or make her angry if her mood changes. What works this week, might be upsetting to her a couple of months later.
Numbers 1 and 3, I totally see. Number 4 works when the R is going well, but I have reservations about trusting the concept, especially with a LDW and when there are issues in the R.
I still like the list and see that not doing these things, the R can slip away to almost nothing.
Corri It USED to bother me if the guy didn't get off, because I thought that was the whole reason why he wanted to have sex to begin with…… Now, it doesn't bother me in the least,
I am also very direct with him. I don't hedge, I don't say... "well, if you don't want to, that's okay..." I just tell him what I want, and I leave it up to him to decide if he wants to or not. If he does... . If he doesn't and I'm really horny, I go get my toys, take care of myself, and then cuddle with him after. That sounds wonderful. I do envy both of you.
For him, it removes all pressure to perform... That Is a bit different. I never felt pressured. That is one reason I asked how women feel when I guy doesn’t O.
conversely, it does the same thing for me when I get him off in some way, but am not getting off myself. I have too much experience in similar situations. BB said she doesn’t want to get off. Sometimes I want to believe her. Sometime I think it was part of some manipulation game that got out of hand.
I measure it with how open and honest I am and he is... before, during and after sex. THAT makes for unbelievable sex... That sounds really good Corri.
I don’t know if me being honest with BB would end our sex life so I find things to tell myself it is as good as she can do and that keep me from being honest.
To tie this information into my original thoughts, I thought guys got off 99.9% of the time. Because some guys don’t get off at that high a rate I was wondering what women thought and felt.
Thank you for the answers and your thoughts. I wanted to understand the sex/dating/M part from a female perspective.
I have heard so much from the nice girls or even bad girls don't like............. people, missionary a couple times a year was beginning to sound wild.
Hey Fran- Just wanted to let you know that I've been catching the desperation/frustration in your posts, on this and other threads. We all seem to ride the roller coaster of pursuit/distancing in our SSMs. It's not a fun ride at all.
No advice. Just an empathetic cyber-hug for you. (((Fran))).
It really gigs my bf. He's really okay when I 'use' him, but I still feel emotionally/spiritually 'safe' because it is him. I seriously doubt I could do this with someone I don't know all that well.