Big f'up this weekend (and all my fault). Was too needy and wanted to be intimate with WAW. Basically kept hassling her all night for sex and eventually she admitted that she did not find me attractive and was only having sex with me as I wouldn't take no for an answer. Long talk during the night and she is adamant that she needs to leave me. I now know that attemting and initiating intimacy is still pursuing her and is helping to drive her further away.
My timing was probably also lousy, but I stated that the only thing I wanted at the moment was to be her best friend.
Talk continued on the beach this afternoon (I know I should have walked away), with W certain that we are wrong for each other and the things I did have scarred her (to my mind they were not major issues - nudism in the back garden). She also now considers that marriage is just a piece of paper and not vital. It's almost impossible to lie next to the women you adore, who is in a bikini and not feel a deep sense of loss. So feeling majorly down at the moment.
Suppose on the bright side, no talk of when, just talk about kicking me out (which she then apologised for). All I have asked from her at the moment is to be her best friend, have lunch with her every 2 weeks and go out on dates once a month. not sure if this is proper DBing practise, but just that friendly, no pressure contact may have an effect. We also discussed her job and what she wanted to do . She was upset at this point and I did hold her, stating 'that this is what friends do'.
I feel that I am in a very dark tunnel at the moment, with no end in sight. I think that we will seperate and I am trying to mentally prepare for this, but it is so painful - even after 4 months. I know that lots of you here have put up with this for a lot longer than that and I take my hats off to you.
For me, the loneliness is the worst. I can hug and kiss the children, but this is nothing like to love of an adult. I just want my wife to hold me and love me and that is not there at the moment. As far as she is concerned, that was lost years ago.
Not sure what to do exactly at the moment. We are still sharing a bed and she did offer for me to stay at the caravan tonight (I declined as I knew I would have wanted to hold her tight), so going to bed alone. This week we are going out each evening - cinema Wednesday and a meal on Thursday. We then set off for a week to see her father and celebrate his 80th.
Again, brave face put on and act as if the world is fine. Not sure how long I can do this for. All my waking hours are spent thinking about her - should I let her go and hope she comes back. Do I move on with my life and find love elsewhere.
All these questions and no answers.
So sorry if this thread is negative, but I am at the bottom of the rollercoaster (but I'm sure that it can go lower) at the moment.
