Living with my WAW 3

[slowly]

Hi SD - Many happy returns And welcome to the better side of 40

Of course, the door is open for a new, self-aware W to come in to my life again.

This is such a positive expression - brava. There are two clear variables here - how long the door will stay open, and whether W will achieve the necessary degree of self awareness. Both are highly dependent on a single catalyst - what you do in the meantime. Hence the goals.

Find my path with heart: One which will result in a happy future for me and our children, whether that is with us in a marriage or divorced.

One of the hardest nuances in dbing is 'the beginner's mind'. Personally I find scenario based goals more than a distraction, too. Before we met our spouses/partners, most of us yearn for 'someone to share our life with' - and this means shared values, joy, sorrow, laughter and tears.

I'm not sure this difficulty should rob that from your life. It should be entirely possible to chart a happy future for you and your children 'with a life partner who is positively engaged". I feel this is an important distinction, because part of your day-to-day communications with W may have to include feedback on what you would deem acceptable in a life partner. To couch your vision along the 'married or divorced' may steer your thoughts, words and actions away from a better outcome.

On the other hand, I now see all of the compromises that I have made over the years and am starting to think how much better it would be to just be rid of her.

Just thinking out loud here - is it really a binary choice? Could there be room for you to make fewer compromises? This can be such a subjective area - I know on a good day, I feel the compromises are worth it, and on a bad day, the very same compromises can seem too costly. The only way to self-manage seems to be to list them, and often discover that what I thought was a compromise was in fact a no-brainer.

One of my dear friends has been an inspiration on how to influence an 'unconscious' spouse. Her husband is a managing director of a busy and successful business and at one point a couple of years ago, was not home to see their 4 kids, was working weekends, and generally not present as either husband or father. After about 6 months of no change, she decided to mount a campaign - I recall because we had been out for tea when she made the decision.

She waited to catch her husband doing something right, anything, no matter how small, and praised him to the children. She was deliberate about highlighting his intent, his action, and the impact on them (the result). I kid you not, the positive reinforcement took just about a month to kick in results - he now delegates more, and is more present in the family. Sounds obvious, but sometimes it is the smallest thing that creates the right ripples. Gotta say, it is hard work, and I often forget. But when NG and I have a widening gulf between us, this technique never fails to work - because it reminds me to be more appreciative, and WOA is a major love language with him

At this juncture, could this be worth trying (maybe again, if you had done so in the past) with W?

Slowly