Shocked H in NJ looking for DB help

[Willing NJ H]

Thanks everyone,

Rather than replying to each of you, i'm going to explain some possibly major changes that happened yesterday.

I have an aunt who is in town with her family from California, so my dad decided to have a family picnic. I told W the other day that she was invited, but didn't have to come. She decided to go, and we spent the entire day at the picnic with my family. We talked to everyone, ate, went swimming, and played volleyball. When we left, she looked strange, so I asked her if she was ok. She replied that she "felt weird". I asked why, and she explained that she didn't feel right being around my family with "the way she feels", but wouldn't have felt right not going either. She then explained that everything is strange, and she feels that we are just prolonging "what she knows is going to happen", and doesn't gethow talking to a counselor or reading books will help us at all. She stated "they don't know us, so how can they tell us if we are meant to be together or not." I asked her if she wanted my explaination on the topic, and she said she did. (I've been thinking about telling her this for weeks, and didn't want to due to DBing. She was now asking me for the reason, so I took the chance and told her.) I said that she's explained to me that she "wants us to be good friends after we divorce." I told her that I know I can't give that to her, and will probably harbor hard feelings, if we were to go from acintg like everything is fine to a divorce without trying to fix anyhing. I told her that the purpose of therapy, and/or the books, wasbn't to fix our marriage. I said "these people have over twenty years of dealing with couples in our situation and much worse. They give you tools to see how you could change/ work on things. They validate your feelings, explain many reasons as to why you may feel as you do, and they offer real life insight into things that we may take for granted or have the wrong perceptions of. I said that if we both look at the books / therapy with a truly open mind, it will make us test the waters and see what we are really made of. It may show us that we have the possibility to make our love/R stronger than it's ever been and tell us how to communicate so we know what the other person wants and needs, or it may show us that we have exhausted all resources, and make it ok to be truly comfortable as friends. (then, against all rules) I said that I would like both of us to go into the books/therapy with the mindset that anything is possible and ok, and that we can come out either way (because it will give us both what we want.)

She actually paused for a bit, I shut up, and after a few minutes she asked me to explain more!!!! I hid any sign of excitement, because I thought this was a fluke, and explained to her that I believed every bit of Michelle's methods. I told her that if it has worked for so many people, and she can directly quote our exact issues and statements never having known us, that maybe the books really could show us how to have a stronger marriage and have every single thing that we each want. I also threw in that even if it wasn't for everyone, if we bought into it and it worked, who cares if it saves our family and gives us everything we've ever wanted. (I always kept a statement that it may also lead to just friends, and i'd be fine with that). She asked me to explain what kinds of things Michelle says about our sitch in the books, and I started thinking "holy sh*t... she's actually serious!" I explained to her about the WAW Syndrome, the parts of the book about "I don't love him anymore, I never loved him, I never should have married him, Mature Marriage and how in a good realtionship love rises and falls depedning on what you put into it, etc." I told her that there were specific areas of the books that I could show her if she wanted a better explaination. She said "can we do that tonight?" WHAT? OF COURSE... WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE??? (of course that was in my head lol). We got home, put D in bed, and talked on the back proch for a bit. She explained the things she didn't like, how me over-talking her made her afraid to approach me, etc. She also told me that she now knows that she did love me (thank you god), and that she just never got to the point that she was "in love with me as strongly as she thought she should be." I told her that I understood, and that I never acted as myself with her in the beginning because she was the only woman I was ever intimidated by. We continued for a while and it went well. We ended up going into our family room, and I sat on the couch and grabbed DB (as I remember by heart where some key sentences are, and have them highlighted for my own reference later). She layed on the couch next to me, but kept some distance (with her feet near my leg.) I read her several passages about how we got to where we are, how we neglected each others needs, how we didn't communicate, and how we both tried doing things to fix the M in our own minds, but never got through to one another. She was extremely interactive, and asked a lot of questions. As we talked, she made satements about things "we have to do" to fix this, and sounded as if she thought it were possible for us to fix our M. (ALRIGHT!!!) She interacted with every one of Michelle's methods that I read (how to find out what the good things are to build on them, how to start communicating, why she feels the way she does right now, etc.), and made more and more "we" comments. She seemed very posistive toward the idea that we may actually be able to have a stronger M/R if we do this right, and inched closer to me (putting her feet into my lap)(another awesome first). We did well for a while, and she said that she's willing to give it and honest, open minded try. We talked a bit more, and she told me about some of the things I did that bothered her. One of the major things, is that she felt she moved out of her mothers house when her mom needed her most (grandparents were ill and passed away a few months after she moved in with me), and she didn't think she would have done it had I not pushed her (They didn't live far, she wouldn't be working to finish college, and her stepdad wanted to start charging her rent). I acknowledged that I was wrong, and that I have thought of several situations in the past where I let my emotions and the way I was raised dictate my reactions / decisions. She said that she knew that I did everything with good intentions, that I am the best man she knows and have many qualities she likes, but that she resented a lot of the decisions she made because of me being pushy. She acknowledged that she didn't have to do those things, so she was part to blame, but that I was very manipulating without intending to be (stating that she knows I got that from my mother, and am mostly like that when i'm stressed.) She got very upset about the person "she allowed herself to become", and cried about not being there for her mom / grandparents when her grandparents passd away. I told her I was sorry, have regretted it for a long time, and that I knew there was nothing I could do to change it now. I told her that I would never allow such things to happen again, and if there was anything I could do I would. She accepted what I said, and told me "This started good, I don't want to ruin it. I don't like you very much right now, but i'm sure I'll feel better in the morning." She sat silent for a bit, and said that she was going to bed. I said "ok, thank you for being so understanding and open tonight.", and she left the room. I thought that was it, but when she finished getting ready for bed, she came out of the bedroom, made eye contact with me, and said goodnight in a very nice way. (which is also another first.)

I am seeing this as a bunch of positives, and I think she may really be willing to work on us now. I will take baby steps, and treat this with kid gloves. I will not be pushy, I'll let her initiate convo's and interactions; and i'll continue to give her space. I know I have a long way to go, and that she could fall back into "I don't love you and we aren't meant to be.", but his is a great start if we have any chance at all. I know I have to contribute this to DBing, and all of your help. Hopefully she comes home from work tonight with the same mindset, but I will take it one step / one day at a time.
Thanks a lot, and I look forward to comments and advice on this.