True reconnection cannot begin until they are completely out of all of the stages. Otherwise they are just touch and gos. The post on reconnection in mlc resources explains that part quite well. I have also read on another forum that reconnection is the only way out of depression. So I think they have to at least be in the depression/ withdrawal stage.
I neither agree or disagree with this...because there are so many variables...it is true in some cases, and perhaps it is true in most cases...but is anything true in all cases?
What do we mean by Reconnection. Note that Reconnection and Reconciliaiton are different things. Reconnection preceded Reconciliaiton.
How do we define REAL or TRUE? If the MLCer is REALly intending to reconnect, is it real...thus is it intentions or motivations that determine REAL?
What constitutes REALly trying? I believe that Sweetheart was REALly trying to reconnect when he came home most (not all) of those times. But he has also admitted it wasn't real and he knew it. Why was it not real? Because he still wanted a relationship with the OW AND was unwilling to give that up. But at the same...he was REALly reconnecting. We were building things together...that foundation for a later return. So those reconnections were fruitful, they were necessary, they were part of the process and they helped him to progress.
What is the expectation of Reconnection? Is it that it leads directly to Reconciliation...Reconnection may take time, but they are consecutive steps in the MLC Process?
Well, we could have different names for Early Reconnections... but I think those would prove futile. LBSs with their Hopes and expectations integrating and flying high would label them Reconnection rather than Early or Pre...And who's to say which is which anyway...there are the cases where Early is the final Reconnection.
What it distills down to is that Reconnection, like all other things in MLC, is a staggered process. The line graph goes up an down many times...hopefully in a general upward pattern. Each new reconnection may (or may not) be a little more connecting than the last.
Some of the confusion may simply come down to how each term is defined...I need to check out the resources Reconnection post again.
What then are touch-and-goes? Small reconnections? Mini tunnel vacations/breaths of air? I think touch-and-goes indicate soemthing brief...whereas Reconnections are longer attempts...they give the LBS time to show the safety, add even more to the foundation...and perhaps if the LBS responds well what would have been a touch-and-go becomes longer...a Reconnection...but the tough part is it is not THE Reconnection...that one you are all looking for and labeing as REAL.
Maybe rather than putting Reconnection out there as something for near the end, realize that it is part of MLC and part of the cycle. In Replay, we expect cycling, we expect touch-and-goes, we expect spew, hatred, flirting, OWs, niceness, nastiness...
If you DB well, why not also add Reconnection as a possibility to the mix. While recognizing that if your are early in this crisis, it is not that ending Reconnection...the MLCer may move home and leave again--a few weeks or months later realizing and admitting (or not) that this is about him and the LBS is not to blame. He returned because the LBS changed...thus now things will work, and they didn't. But was that a touch-and-go? No...it lasted too long.
Reconnection may often begin when the OW is still involved...he needs direct comparisons becuase he's not happy with her. It may start as touch-and-goes and get bigger. But remmeber how OWs are...she sucks him back.
Is the final Reconncection a part of Reconciliation rather than a predecessor? You are in counseling and learning to love again...isn't that reconnecting?
But then, that is not what is being discussed here...that is something that is during/after a return. That is not something an LBS looks for because it is fully present and obvious.
I think it comes down to what you want it to be...defintiion wise, not interpeting your MLCer-wise. What are your motivations? Why is Reconnection important...why is it importnat that it be only possible when the OW is gone and he is through Depression...or why is it important that it be possible without those things?
